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View Full Version : A Tale of a Bird, Lesbians, Pussy and my Back Window - Pics included!



manker
08-08-2006, 10:06 AM
So, there I was, watching Teletubbies with my Son on my lap at 5:30am this morning, when a noise that I can only describe as akin to a snowball hitting a window alerted me to the fact that we weren't the only two mortal beings awake at such an ungodly hour.

Cheered by this, I looked left to see feathers settling on my windowsill, both inside and outside of the window. We stealthily crept over to investigate and it became apparant that a bird had flown into the window, bounced off and hit the patio - already there was a HUGE cat, looking to pounce upon the wounded prey.

With the missus upstairs in bed, we did the only thing we could - rushed downstairs into the kitchen and out of the back door to confront the feral feline and save the askew avian adventurer.

After a brief skirmish the cat ran away. It was then I realised that I didn't really know what to do with the injured bird, like feck was I taking care of it, so I did what any other reponsible person would do. I shouted for the lesbians that live next door to come and help me. They did too, catching the thrush in a damp (:smilie4:) towel and hieing it away to the safety of their debauched dwelling.

http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/8085/08082006005lb8.th.jpg (http://img204.imageshack.us/my.php?image=08082006005lb8.jpg) http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/7924/08082006004mi2.th.jpg (http://img204.imageshack.us/my.php?image=08082006004mi2.jpg)


I treated the lad to chocolate buttons for breakfast instead of Cherios because, goddamnit, he deserved it.

Barbarossa
08-08-2006, 10:18 AM
Sounds hawt. :01:

However, when Doris gets here he's going to tell you that you should have let the cat eat the bird, because that would have taught your boy the important life lesson that it's better to be an opportunist predator in life, than some kind of sick emo blind spotty bird :no:


EDIT: Even if you do get looked after by lesbians :mellow:

manker
08-08-2006, 10:30 AM
I think I impressed the lesbians with my vigilance :smilie4:

Barbarossa
08-08-2006, 10:36 AM
I suspect a follow-up visit next door will be necessary, to make sure the bird recovered OK, like :naughty:

Gemby!
08-08-2006, 10:37 AM
If the bird is gonna be dumb enough to fly into a window then i think it deserves to be eaten ....

manker
08-08-2006, 10:49 AM
If the bird is gonna be dumb enough to fly into a window then i think it deserves to be eaten ....
I can see how you came to that conclusion but in the bird's defence, my windows are perfectly clear - I don't live in smeggy London.

Gemby!
08-08-2006, 10:52 AM
oi ! how else do i stop the chavs in my area from breaking in after seeing what i have to offer











:naughty:

F. Canard
08-08-2006, 10:58 AM
With the missus upstairs in bed, we did the only thing we could - rushed downstairs into the kitchen and out of the back door to confront the feral feline and save the askew skewer the avian adventurer.

Shish kebab, ftw.
Corrected.

manker
08-08-2006, 10:58 AM
:naughty::lol:


I've noticed that you're extremely evocative of emotion with emoticons.

manker
08-08-2006, 10:59 AM
With the missus upstairs in bed, we did the only thing we could - rushed downstairs into the kitchen and out of the back door to confront the feral feline and save the askew skewer the avian adventurer.

Shish kebab, ftw.
Corrected.Brute.

F. Canard
08-08-2006, 11:01 AM
Yeah, that manker's a git. I would have killed the bird a bit more humainly than shoving a pencil up it's arse.

Gemby!
08-08-2006, 11:05 AM
:naughty::lol:


I've noticed that you're extremely evocative of emotion with emoticons.

It's a natural talent :happy:

manker
08-08-2006, 11:06 AM
Yeah, that manker's a git. I would have killed the bird a bit more humainly than shoving a pencil up it's arse.
Look how sharp its beak is.

You'd have shit your pants and called for the lesbians before I did :smilie4:

Barbarossa
08-08-2006, 11:07 AM
Yeah, that manker's a git. I would have killed the bird a bit more humainly than shoving a pencil up it's arse.

He's given him to the lesbians, you can't get much more humaine than that. :smilie4:

F. Canard
08-08-2006, 11:07 AM
I spelt humane with an 'I' :wub:

manker
08-08-2006, 11:12 AM
lolz, you both did.

I spelled 'apparent' incorrectly in the first post, glag.

Barbarossa
08-08-2006, 11:14 AM
I done it on porpoise, cos I thought you did too :happy:

Jon L. Obscene
08-08-2006, 12:12 PM
Awww I think it's great the way you tell stories, anyone else would have just posted "A fecking bird hit my window and woz gonna get ate by this fat cat and so I called the ruggies from next door to 'elp"
But you put it so beautifully.

btw. The Lesbians caught thrush while at your house? :unsure:

Jonno :cool:

manker
08-08-2006, 12:48 PM
Well, I wanted to live up to the superb thread title. I had to put in a bit of flowery language.

I wonder if lesbians get thrush more or less than women in a relationship with a bloke. I'm thinking a daily dose of man-fat (no offence, Jonno, it's just a euphemism for spunk) might increase the likelihood of fungal infection :smilie4:

Jon L. Obscene
08-08-2006, 01:34 PM
Firstly. Yes I agree that you had to live up to the flamboyance of the stylistic title.

Secondly. I wonder if since it's called man fat that you actually lose wieght through discharge......effects not noticed so far, must do more research.

Thirdly (teehee, sounds almost like turdly). I don't know, maybe we should ask a lesbian.......any takers?

Jonno :cool:

manker
08-08-2006, 01:44 PM
I reckon Nikki would know - not that she's a lesbian, it just seems like something she would know about.




Edit: I don't mean that she comes across as a woman who would get a lot of thrush infections either, I'm sure she is fastidiously clean in that area :ermm:

Jon L. Obscene
08-08-2006, 01:57 PM
Well as much as I'd like to go into detail I think the thought of forced colonic irrigation for discussing said details is far less appealing than just agreeing with you in silence......... I think :blink:

And no she's not lesbonic, I tested that by showing her my mangina :mellow:

Jonno :cool:

lynx
08-08-2006, 02:17 PM
Everyone seems to have overlooked the most important aspect of this thread.

Which episode of Teletubbies were you watching?

manker
08-08-2006, 02:28 PM
Everyone seems to have overlooked the most important aspect of this thread.

Which episode of Teletubbies were you watching?
Actually, at the point the bird hit the window, we were watching an episode of Firefly - Jaynestown. Needed a way to introduce the lad to the plot because he was integral to the tale later on.

I'd been up since four watching crap like Teletubbies/Balamory/Bob the cunting Builder and needed a break :dabs:

Gemby!
08-08-2006, 03:23 PM
balamory aint crap - there is a man who lives in a pink castle...what more do you need in a show ?

F. Canard
08-08-2006, 03:41 PM
Gratuitous sex scenes, with plenty of norks, but no willies.

Seedler
08-08-2006, 03:41 PM
The thread title caught my eye, couldn't help tit.

Chip Monk
08-08-2006, 04:37 PM
Gratuitous sex scenes, with plenty of norks, but no willies.

There is no such thing as a gratuitous sex scene, that's just mad talk.

manker
08-08-2006, 05:24 PM
Gratuitous sex scenes, with plenty of norks, but no willies.

There is no such thing as a gratuitous sex scene, that's just mad talk.
I just typed out a possible scenario for a sex scene that would, indeed, be gratuitous - and then realised that I'd be quite wrong if I posted it as it wasn't gratuitous.

Further, despite much penseage, I can't think of a single instance in which I'd describe a sex scene as gratuitous.

Shortly put - I agree with you.

Mr JP Fugley
08-08-2006, 06:48 PM
Shortly put - I agree with you.

oh for cawks sake, what am i going to do now.

manker
08-08-2006, 07:00 PM
Shortly put - I agree with you.

oh for cawks sake, what am i going to do now.
Might as well shut the forum down, flowe :dabs:

Mr JP Fugley
08-08-2006, 07:57 PM
indeed, if the right thinking element like ourselves start to go about agreeing with one and other what's the point like.

i feel a little tier in me eye

NikkiD
08-08-2006, 08:16 PM
I reckon Nikki would know - not that she's a lesbian, it just seems like something she would know about.




Edit: I don't mean that she comes across as a woman who would get a lot of thrush infections either, I'm sure she is fastidiously clean in that area :ermm:

LMAO - I don't honestly think it makes a difference lesbian or straight. The things that cause them would still be the same. They're typically caused by dampness like sweating, staying in a wet bathing suit, staying too long in the tub. Strangely enough, using feminine sprays and washes makes them worse, because they kill any of the body's natural bacteria that fight infection. I guess a straight woman is slightly more likely to get one, given the increased amount of fluid from sexual intercourse, but that's saying that she doesn't clean up afterwards.

I just know Skweeky is gonna say something about me and yeast infections again. :ph34r:

manker
08-08-2006, 08:25 PM
Hmm, interesting. So is a quick once over with a wet-wipe considered cleaning up cos I've never noticed any woman do more than that.

Then again, what do I know. There's often a dash to the bathroom and I don't really know what my main woman gets up to in there -- plus I'm normally asleep by the time she gets back.

Mr JP Fugley
08-08-2006, 08:27 PM
Hmm, interesting. So is a quick once over with a wet-wipe considered cleaning up cos I've never noticed any woman do more than that.


Whilst for guys a quick wipe on the curtains is more than enough cleanage.

j2k4
08-08-2006, 08:29 PM
I reckon Nikki would know - not that she's a lesbian, it just seems like something she would know about.




Edit: I don't mean that she comes across as a woman who would get a lot of thrush infections either, I'm sure she is fastidiously clean in that area :ermm:

LMAO - I don't honestly think it makes a difference lesbian or straight. The things that cause them would still be the same. They're typically caused by dampness like sweating, staying in a wet bathing suit, staying too long in the tub. Strangely enough, using feminine sprays and washes makes them worse, because they kill any of the body's natural bacteria that fight infection. I guess a straight woman is slightly more likely to get one, given the increased amount of fluid from sexual intercourse, but that's saying that she doesn't clean up afterwards.

I just know Skweeky is gonna say something about me and yeast infections again. :ph34r:


A promising thread gone cawk-eyed.

Oh, gall...bitter, bitter wormwood. :(

manker
08-08-2006, 08:34 PM
Hmm, interesting. So is a quick once over with a wet-wipe considered cleaning up cos I've never noticed any woman do more than that.


Whilst for guys a quick wipe on the curtains is more than enough cleanage.
You posh Scotch :no2:

If you do that, more often than not you won't get the comedy double stream when going for a pish in the morning.

Mr JP Fugley
08-08-2006, 08:38 PM
I furst heard that as "twinjet" and thought the comedyist meant a small twinge. I couldn't understand why your am pish being a wee bit sore was funny.

It then occured that he (Frank Skinner if memory serves) meant a twin-jet. I laughed, more at me being dense, than the observation itself.

True story

MagicNakor
08-08-2006, 09:35 PM
...There's often a dash to the bathroom and I don't really know what my main woman gets up to in there -- plus I'm normally asleep by the time she gets back.

She's probably doing the laundry to get the blood off the green towels.

:shuriken:

sArA
08-08-2006, 11:16 PM
Hmm, interesting. So is a quick once over with a wet-wipe considered cleaning up cos I've never noticed any woman do more than that.

Then again, what do I know. There's often a dash to the bathroom and I don't really know what my main woman gets up to in there -- plus I'm normally asleep by the time she gets back.


Wanking :naughty:

Chewie
08-09-2006, 12:41 AM
You mean doing the job properly?

That's harsh. :noes:

manker
08-09-2006, 09:32 AM
Hmm, interesting. So is a quick once over with a wet-wipe considered cleaning up cos I've never noticed any woman do more than that.

Then again, what do I know. There's often a dash to the bathroom and I don't really know what my main woman gets up to in there -- plus I'm normally asleep by the time she gets back.


Wanking :naughty::lol: :lol:

That raised a chuckle and then a smile. If I was the type of bloke who said 'Hoi, burd. Come and see what this person said on the interweb' then I'd probably do it there and raise an eyebrow in her general direction once she'd read it.

However, you lot are my dirty secret. I mean, she knows that I post on a forum but not that I've posted just shy of 30k times on the forum in two years :ermm:

CrabGirl
08-09-2006, 08:27 PM
Has anyone posted the obvious "manker caught thrush" joke yet...

Chip Monk
08-09-2006, 08:34 PM
Has anyone posted the obvious "manker caught thrush" joke yet...

I can't remember, maybe you should do it, just in case.

Jon L. Obscene
08-10-2006, 08:01 PM
Manker caught thrush?.......does this mean he's now an irritating cunt? :unsure:

Jonno :cool:

j2k4
08-10-2006, 08:08 PM
Manker caught thrush?.......does this mean he's now an irritating cunt? :unsure:

Jonno :cool:

Irritated, I think you'll find...:huh:

Jon L. Obscene
08-10-2006, 08:20 PM
No no, Irritated just doesn't work with the joke.

Jonno :cool:

j2k4
08-10-2006, 08:43 PM
No no, Irritated just doesn't work with the joke.

Jonno :cool:

You are picking nits, Jonno.

Hmmm.

It just occurred to me-a cunt afflicted by nits can be pretty irritating, too. :huh:

manker-check!!! :unsure:

Jon L. Obscene
08-10-2006, 08:55 PM
Ah, you see the way in which you utilized the word "Irritating" just then?
Thats how the joke comes across :)

And the best way to get rid of nits is to shave the hair off :shifty:

Jonno :cool:

j2k4
08-10-2006, 09:12 PM
Ah, you see the way in which you utilized the word "Irritating" just then?
Thats how the joke comes across :)

And the best way to get rid of nits is to shave the hair off :shifty:

Jonno :cool:

I grant your point.

I am occasionally over-concerned with the semantic aspect. :)

manker
08-10-2006, 09:45 PM
Manker caught thrush?.......does this mean he's now an irritating cunt? :unsure:

Jonno :cool:

Irritated, I think you'll find...:huh:
When my main woman has thrush, I find her lady-garden to be extremely irritating due to the no sex 'til the fungus subsides thing.



Jonno, un point.

Jon L. Obscene
08-10-2006, 11:24 PM
mercy bucket.

Although I find it worrying you say that like she gets it a lot :unsure:

Jonno :cool:

manker
08-10-2006, 11:29 PM
Although I find it worrying you say that like she gets it a lot :unsure: If I did say that, it would be slightly worrying since she doesn't get thrush a lot.

However, we can rest easy as I said nothing of the sort :blink:

Jon L. Obscene
08-10-2006, 11:35 PM
When my main woman has thrush,

I kind of made the assumption/acusation from that. But as we all know, assumption is the mother or brother of all fowl ups.
My apologies for my brothers behaviour :huh:

Anyway, back to the cunts who are irritating/ed :01:

Jonno :cool:

j2k4
08-10-2006, 11:39 PM
Although I find it worrying you say that like she gets it a lot :unsure: If I did say that, it would be slightly worrying since she doesn't get thrush a lot.

However, we can rest easy as I said nothing of the sort :blink:

Yes, yes, but what about the green towels? :huh:

Jon L. Obscene
08-10-2006, 11:54 PM
:unsure: better than red I guess

Jonno :cool: