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mrtilley
05-28-2003, 08:46 PM
This is something I found while surfing the net: Im not sure that you are alowed to use links to outside web pages so I will paste it directly in:

mrtilley
05-28-2003, 08:47 PM
TITANIC 2 - THE SEA-QUELL
Courtesy of Messibeast Newsgroup

The movie opens with the Titanic II, getting ready to sail. As the ship's horn blasts a mighty departure toot, up runs spunky young Jack Dawson, played by Leonardo DiCaprio. There is seaweed on him.

JACK: Whew! I just made it!

ROSE: Jack! I thought you had drowned! To death!

JACK: No! Fortunately, the bitter North Atlantic cold was unable to penetrate my protective layer of hair gel! Who are you?

ROSE: I'm Rose! Remember? You gave your life for me in Titanic I.

JACK: But Rose was played by Kate Winslet!

ROSE: She didn't want to be in another movie with you, because your cheekbones are so much higher! So the part went to me, Demi Moore!

JACK: Whatever.

(The scene shifts to the ship's bridge.)

CAPTAIN: Ahoy First Mate! Commence starboard computer animation! Full speed ahead!

FIRST MATE: Sir! We're getting reports of gigantic icebergs directly ahead! Shouldn't we go slow?

CAPTAIN: Don't be silly! What are the chances that we're going to hit another . . .

(There is a loud crunching sound. Big pieces of ice come through the window, along with several penguins.)

CAPTAIN: Dang!

FIRST MATE: Sir! The computerized sinking animation has commenced!

(The scene shifts to the Poop Deck, where the water is rising fast. Jack and Rose are helping women and children into a lifeboat, when an evil villain appears with a gun.)

VILLAIN: Out of the way! I'm taking this lifeboat all for myself!

JACK: It's Kenneth Turan, film critic for The Los Angeles Times!

TURAN: That's right, and I shall stop at nothing to get off this ship, because the dialogue is terrible!

JACK: Is not!

TURAN: Is too!

(They commence fighting.)

THE LATE BURGESS MEREDITH: You can do it, Rock! Watch out for the jab!

JACK: Hey! You're in the wrong sequel!

MEREDITH: Sorry!

(This distraction enables Turan, by cheating, to gain the upper hand.)

TURAN: I have gained the upper hand! Whatever that expression means! And now, pretty boy, I'm going to . . . OHMIGOD! NOOO!

(Turan is torn into raisin-sized pieces by an irate horde of young female Leonardo DiCaprio fans.)

JACK: Whew! That was close! Uh-oh! The ship is almost done sinking!

ROSE: This is it! I hope I don't end up as an old bag in this movie!

(As the two lovers start to slip beneath the icy cold computerized waves, they embrace. There is a cracking sound.)

JACK: You broke my ribs!

ROSE: Sorry! I have tremendous upper-body strength since starring in G.I. Jane!

JACK: Don't worry! As long as my cheekbones are OK!

(The water slowly closes over them. In the distance, we hear two crew members on a lifeboat, looking for survivors.)

FIRST CREW MEMBER: What's that sound coming from over there?

SECOND CREW MEMBER: It sounds like . . . Oh my God! It's Celine Dion!

FIRST CREW MEMBER: Let's get out of here!

(Fade to end credits and Celine Dion singing sequel to My Heart Will Go On)

(THE END)



TITANIC UNCUT - THE MISSING SCENE
Courtesy of Messibeast Newsgroup

As with all films. Some scenes never make it it into the final release.

ROSE'S FATHER: Good lord, Smythe, whatís all the commotion?

SMYTHE: Oh, hello, old chap. Not like you to be up at this hour. Smoke?

ROSE'S FATHER: Thank you, donít mind if I do. So whatís the kerfuffle? I saw the captain as I came by and he looked in a dreadful stew.

SMYTHE: It appears weíre sinking, old boy.

ROSE'S FATHER: I say, never!

SMYTHE: Do you recall that iceberg we saw at dinner?

ROSE'S FATHER: The one that was as big as a twenty-storey building? Haw-haw. One of the Yanks wanted some for his Whiskey - awfully common, I said.

SMYTHE: Thatís the one. Well, it seems we struck the deuced thing.

ROSE'S FATHER: I say, what dashed rotten luck. Not just the Whiskey that's on the rocks.

SMYTHE: Rather.

ROSE'S FATHER: I suppose that explains why my cabin door was underneath the bed when I woke up. I thought it a bit odd. I say, is this a Monte Cristo?í

SMYTHE: H. Upmann, actually. I have a man in Gerrard Street who gets them specially.

ROSE'S FATHER: Awfully nice.

SMYTHE: Yes. . . Pity, really.

ROSE'S FATHER: Whatís that?

SMYTHE: Well, I just ordered a dozen boxes at two guineas each. Still, I suppose young the junior partner will be glad to get his hands on them.

ROSE'S FATHER: So you donít think weíre going to make it?

SMYTHE: Doesnít look good. The lady-wife asked Johnson, the quarterdeck steward, when he brought her nightcap and he said we had less than two hours. Howís your own good woman, by the way? Is her stomach better?í

ROSE'S FATHER: Hard to say really, old chum. Sheís drowned, you see.

SMYTHE: Oh. Dashed rotten luck, what-ho? Still, should put an end to the dicky stomach.

ROSE'S FATHER: Rather. Went out the old starboard porthole when we started to list. In fact it was her shout that woke me. Shame sheís missed all the excitement. She always enjoyed a good sinking.

SMYTHE: The good lady-wife is just the same.

ROSE'S FATHER: She didnít go over as well, did she?

SMYTHE: Oh, no. Sheís gone to see the purser. Wanted to cable Fortnumís and cancel the order for the charity ball. Not much point now, you see.

ROSE'S FATHER: Quite. Still, all in all itís not been a bad voyage, wouldnít you say?

SMYTHE: Couldnít agree more. The foodís been top-notch.

ROSE'S FATHER: Young Rose was particularly taken with the place-settings. She thought the dinner tables a picture and the grapes thrilling. She stayed from soup to nuts. You havenít seen her, by any chance?í

SMYTHE: No, sorry old chap. Why do you ask?í

ROSE'S FATHER: Itís just that she rushed off in a rather odd way. Said there was something she had to do with young Dawson before we went under Something to do with flags, I gather

SMYTHE: Flags? How odd.

ROSE'S FATHER: Well, she made some reference to needing a jolly roger, if I heard her right. I canít pretend I understand half the things she goes on about. And in any case I was somewhat distracted. My wife had just spilled her nightcap down her peignoir - in consequence of the impact, you see - and was in a terrible temper because Johnson wouldnít bring her another. He told her to get it herself.

SMYTHE: What extraordinary insolence.

ROSE'S FATHER: I suppose he was a bit out of sorts because he wonít be getting his tips now, will he? Canít say I blame him really.

SMYTHE: Still, that's no excuse for insolence to one's betters. Even when under stress, a man should remember his station.

ROSE'S FATHER: I reported him, of course. One has to remember oneís station even in a crisis or we should be in a terrible mess, donít you agree? The quartermaster assured me he wonít get another posting on this ship.

SMYTHE: I should think not. Mustn't let standards slip.

ROSE'S FATHER: Bit of a technicality, I suppose, but at least itís been noted in the book.

SMYTHE: Itís been a funny old night, when you think about it. I mean to say, wife drowns, ship sinks, and there was no Montrachet Ď07 at dinner. I had to settle for a very middling Ď05.

ROSE'S FATHER: You think thatís disappointing? Have a look at these.

SMYTHE: Sorry, old boy, I canít see in this light. What are they?

ROSE'S FATHER: Return tickets.

SMYTHE: Oh, that is bad luck.

ROSE'S FATHER: Outside port cabin on the Promenade Deck.

SMYTHE: Very bad luck. . . I say, whatís that noise?

SMYTHE: That will be the steerage passengers drowning, I expect.

ROSE'S FATHER: No, it sounded like a band.

SMYTHE: I believe youíre right. Yes, you are quite right. A bit mournful, donít you think? I shouldnít want to try to dance to that.

ROSE'S FATHER: "Nearer My God to Thee", isnít it? They might have chosen something a bit more festive for our last night at sea.

SMYTHE: Still, I think Iíll wander down and see if theyíve put out supper yet. Coming?

ROSE'S FATHER: No, I think Iíll turn in with a brandy. Itís going to be a short night as it is. How long have we got, do you suppose?

SMYTHE: About 40 minutes, Iíd say.

ROSE'S FATHER: Oh dear. Perhaps Iíll skip the brandy then. I donít suppose Iíll be seeing you again?

SMYTHE: Not in this life, old sport.

ROSE'S FATHER: Oh, I say, thatís very good. I must remember that. Well, goodnight, then.

SMYTHE: Goodnight. By the by, just a thought. The captain didnít say anything about getting into lifeboats, did he?

ROSE'S FATHER: Not that I recall. Shall I wake you if he makes an announcement?

SMYTHE: That would be very good of you, if youíre sure itís no trouble.

ROSE'S FATHER: No trouble at all.

SMYTHE: Well, goodnight, then. Give my regards to the good woman and young Rose.

ROSE'S FATHER: With the greatest pleasure. Iím sorry about the lady-wife.

SMYTHE: Well, worse things happen at sea, as they say. I expect sheíll bob up somewhere. She was awfully buoyant. Well, goodnight.

ROSE'S FATHER: Goodnight, old sport. Sleep tight. Don't let the bugs bite, Haw-haw

{I}{K}{E}
05-28-2003, 08:49 PM
I think this is a fake!

"THE SEA-QUELL"
"ROSE: Jack! I thought you had drowned! To death!"
jack was dead he can't be alive in titanic 2

"No! Fortunately, the bitter North Atlantic cold was unable to penetrate my protective layer of hair gel! Who are you?" LOL :D

mrtilley
05-28-2003, 08:50 PM
I think this is a fake!

;) I do hope that was sarcasim

fugley
05-28-2003, 09:17 PM
Looks pretty on the level to me!


:blink:

sk8punk151
05-28-2003, 10:55 PM
Originally posted by {I}{K}{E}@28 May 2003 - 21:49
I think this is a fake!
Dude, omfg.. Are you stoned or just bloody retarted :rolleyes:

Linkton
05-29-2003, 03:15 AM
I'm praying that was sarcastic.... :huh:

yea it was......

........right???? :(

wienerschnitzel
05-29-2003, 03:16 AM
I hope we see more tits in this one :)

clocker
05-29-2003, 04:34 AM
Wouldn't My Heart Will Go On be the perfect theme song for Freddy Kreuger?

nahan
05-29-2003, 05:07 AM
Here I am checking out why someone would even post this as a thread ,
and the reason it wont go away is because you guys wont let it die.

mrtilley
06-03-2003, 12:51 AM
Here I am checking out why someone would even post this as a thread ,
and the reason it wont go away is because you guys wont let it die.


my post rules so I go to keep it going you know you love it