View Full Version : How To Write Complaints

10-04-2003, 08:44 PM
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor
service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a
cable operator in Britain).

2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.

WARNING: some adult content

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone,
and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have
encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional
prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more
likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a
further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and
the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at
your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing
with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you
are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled
installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as
a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I
had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your
internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between
about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock
jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me
that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone
and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.
And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important testicle moments to
attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one,
anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I
chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else, is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though
they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy
mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically
failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially
with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope
that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were
satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment
of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of

Rat Faced
10-04-2003, 09:05 PM
Well, we all know JPaul is a master of the language.

I think it a little Harsh that you post his letter of complaint though...

10-04-2003, 09:08 PM
it's be even better if somebody read that to me with an English accent

Autumn Fox
10-04-2003, 11:35 PM
:lol: i had a good time reading this, it quite amusing.

10-05-2003, 10:21 AM
nice, hehe... in some ways...

10-05-2003, 04:46 PM
:lol: That was hilarious.

Here's another English letter of complaint, not as funny, but still quite entertaining:


To Discovery Home and Leisure, 3/8/98:

Dear Sirs,

I am writing with reference to a DIY programme you air called "Tool Time" (nothing to do with Tim Taylor).

Generally I am a fan of the American DIY shows such as Hometime, This Old House, The New Yankee Workshop and The Furniture Guys. Each of these shows seem either well thought out or are just plain entertaining, unlike Tool Time.

Tool Time is hosted by a man with the manual dexterity and communication skills of a retarded baby Orang-utan, I think the cameraman must be a relative too - most of the time you have to guess what's going on because the moron is still on a close-up shot of fuck-all.
Accompanied by a plethora of bumbling, mumbling and stuttering 'experts', the main man bungles his way through project after pointless, ridiculous project:

How to make a poker; if you happen to have an anvil, gas fired furnace, protective leather clothing, assorted hammers and specialist Blacksmith's tools.

Why not make a hideous picture frame? If you happen to have an Oxy-acetylene set, with cutting torch, welding safety equipment, a MIG welder and are completely devoid of any sense of style.

Better yet, make a crappy boot scraper from eight horseshoes welded together. Oh yeah, what are we supposed to do? Mug a couple of shirehorses and steal their footwear? Or make the horseshoes first and then weld them together? Incidentally, most of the tools and equipment shown are not available from hire shops because they are dangerous in the hands of untrained people. Speaking of which, it's not uncommon to see one of your 'experts' starting to do a job, then you cut to another shot, and the guy reappears a minute later, looking flustered and wearing a sticking plaster. What a joke!

I would just love to see photographs of viewer's attempts to emulate these projects too. Especially that damn rocking horse. After hours of gluing expensive lumps of wood together, whacking away at it with a mallet fashioned from an old bowling ball and a blunt chisel they found in the shed. Which of them would have ended up with more than a pile of splinters and a sculpture resembling a post apocalyptic badger?

Today's programme was a classic, we had a stuttery old duffer messing about with enamel. The Blacksmith pointed at what was obviously a blowlamp and asked, "Is this a kiln?"

To which the old duffer replied, quick as a lethargic slug, "No,nnnn, no....it's a....." the Alzheimer's apparently kicked in at this point and he couldn't recall its name.

The Blacksmith finally ran out of patience, interrupted the stammering and said, "Yes, well we all know what it is.....", so why the hell did he ask the question?

A fucking blind man could see what it was!

The segment ended with the old boy retrieving a lump of charred and smouldering metal from his kiln, commenting, "I think I got it too hot." What a craftsman! Where did you find him? Why did you find him? At least the show is aptly named, 'Tooltime'...indeed; what a bunch of fucking 'tools'!

Look at the American shows; they manage to find eloquent tradesmen who are capable of talking us through their various crafts and feature items easily tackled by the amateur.

While we're on the subject of eloquence, would one of you please shoot Tony Lush? Anybody not offended by his simplistic, patronising presentation shouldn't be allowed to hold sharp objects, unless of course they are in the same room as him and have pathological intent.

In closing, with all due care and attention…and without prejudice: Get rid of that damn programme! It’s crap!

10-06-2003, 10:41 AM
Originally posted by VIDE-VICI@5 October 2003 - 16:46
To Discovery Home and Leisure, 3/8/98:

Dear Sirs,

I am writing with reference to a DIY programme you air called "Tool Time" (nothing to do with Tim Taylor).
rofl, can i get this show down in aussie?

10-06-2003, 10:49 PM
:) :D That first one was so hillarious, laughed while reading the last half of it, still chuckling when I think about it.