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Rip The Jacker
10-23-2003, 08:15 AM
Pumping Dad Up

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Dumb and Dumber

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"

Voodoo Dick :lol: :lol:

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except " said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

Don't Fall Asleep in Church

A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in 6six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"

The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

MusicChick
10-23-2003, 08:32 AM
I thought I was the only one who knew that 'Voodoo Dick' joke. I was gonna tell it a while back but I was afraid I'd get called a perv. :lol: Oh and I heard it a little differently, The man told him that it only responded to a male voice, and that while she was driving down the highway the dick was chasing her. :P

Evil Gemini
10-24-2003, 03:54 AM
the Voodoo Dick is so damn funny :lol:

The ending is funny as hell.



The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

LMAO!!!!!

Jay
10-24-2003, 05:12 AM
good jokes :lol:

Autumn Fox
10-24-2003, 11:36 PM
Originally posted by KrackHead2k@23 October 2003 - 09:15
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

peludo
10-25-2003, 03:20 AM
I know a good one:

One man arrives to an inn, and the chinese owner gives him a room. When he's having dinner he sees the most beautiful girl he had ever seen before, but when he asks the owner who the girl was, the owner told him 'She's my daughter, and if anyone has sex with her i'll give him the three chinese punishments'.
That night, the man only could think of the girl, so he gets into her room and has sex with her and then he goes back to his room.
That morning he woke up with a very big rock placed in his belly with a note tied to it. The note said: 'First chinese punisment, rock in the belly'. The man then takes the rock and throws it out of the window. Then he notices a note in the window pane that sais: 'Second chinese punishment, rock tied to left testicle'.
He then jump out of the window, but then he sees a note on the rope that says: 'Third chinese punishment, right testicle tied to bed'.

Hope it was funny!!! :lol:
Peludo

pd. excuse me for my english, i'm spanish!!! :unsure:

peludo
10-25-2003, 03:21 AM
I know a good one:

One man arrives to an inn, and the chinese owner gives him a room. When he's having dinner he sees the most beautiful girl he had ever seen before, but when he asks the owner who the girl was, the owner told him 'She's my daughter, and if anyone has sex with her i'll give him the three chinese punishments'.
That night, the man only could think of the girl, so he gets into her room and has sex with her and then he goes back to his room.
That morning he woke up with a very big rock placed in his belly with a note tied to it. The note said: 'First chinese punisment, rock in the belly'. The man then takes the rock and throws it out of the window. Then he notices a note in the window pane that sais: 'Second chinese punishment, rock tied to left testicle'.
He then jump out of the window, but then he sees a note on the rope that says: 'Third chinese punishment, right testicle tied to bed'.

Hope it was funny!!! :lol:
Peludo

pd. excuse me for my english, i'm spanish!!! :unsure:

peludo
10-25-2003, 03:23 AM
sorry i posted it twice!!! :">

_FuNgA_
10-25-2003, 05:35 AM
lol thats funny :lol:

cow_dung
11-05-2003, 10:41 PM
:lol: pumping up dad @ voodoo dick was funny

Wolfmight
11-05-2003, 11:08 PM
LOL @ Voodoo dick
btw if anyone didnt get it at the end.. When the polic officer said Voodoo dick, my ass!! Well he obviously it jumped out of the woman went strait toward his.....!!!!

titey
11-09-2003, 06:31 AM
Originally posted by Wolfmight@5 November 2003 - 18:08
if anyone didnt get it at the end
I think the cop was the one who "got it in the end" :lol:

Rip The Jacker
11-09-2003, 06:35 AM
Originally posted by titey+8 November 2003 - 22:31--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (titey @ 8 November 2003 - 22:31)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-Wolfmight@5 November 2003 - 18:08
if anyone didnt get it at the end
I think the cop was the one who "got it in the end" :lol: [/b][/quote]
:lol: :lol: :lol:

kay2thejay
11-17-2003, 04:36 PM
there is also a flash animation with the vodoo dick. i had it some weeks ago but deleted it

Wolfmight
11-17-2003, 11:19 PM
Originally posted by kay2thejay@17 November 2003 - 10:36
there is also a flash animation with the vodoo dick. i had it some weeks ago but deleted it
hope it didnt show the cop... :x

OASVstar
11-27-2003, 10:12 AM
Try this Joke.

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She&#39;s blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She&#39;s so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

Insanity__
11-27-2003, 11:35 AM
Originally posted by OASVstar@27 November 2003 - 10:12
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
ROFL that would KILL :lol: :blink: >_<

cheers anyway :beerchug:

james_bond_rulez
11-27-2003, 02:12 PM
OASVstar damn you i laughed so hard i fell from my chair :lol: :lol:

Rotten_Apple
11-28-2003, 04:03 AM
Originally posted by OASVstar@27 November 2003 - 10:12
Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
http://www.cains-cottage.co.uk/smileys/eek.gif OUCHHHHHH &#33;&#33;&#33;&#33; even the thought made my eyes http://www.cains-cottage.co.uk/smileys/cry.gif

LMAO........... funny stuff............, all the jokes sofar :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

h4mx0r
12-15-2003, 07:09 AM
sex is a sin
sex is forbidden
sin is forgiven
so stick it in&#33; :blink:

mastapowerful
12-23-2003, 04:03 PM
what&#39;s the difference between a priest and a pimple???
















pimples wait until you&#39;ve at least reached puberty before they come on your face

vidcc
12-23-2003, 06:53 PM
there were 2 flies on a lump of dog crap

one farts

the other says " do you have to do that while i&#39;m eating ? "