A Bit Of A Laugh

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@23 January 2004 - 15:23
(...)
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."
:lol: rotflmao :lol:

[baccyman]

In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Mississippi State, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[baccyman]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral.

[baccyman]

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'"

[baccyman]

A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respect- ful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the f**king Jew."

[baccyman]

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"?
Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80 per cent of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

[baccyman]

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

[baccyman]

60 above -
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Canadian people sunbathe.
50 above -
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadian people plant gardens.

40 above -
Italian cars won't start.
Canadian people drive with the windows down.

32 above -
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Ontario's water gets thicker.

20 above -
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadian people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above -
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadian people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadian people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

20 below -
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadian people get out their winter coats.

40 below -
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

50 below -
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

60 below -
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below -
ALL atomic motion stops.
Canadian people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below -
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series

[baccyman]

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.
"I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[baccyman]

My wife noticing me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
Thinking I was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help, honey."

"Sure it does," I said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

[baccyman]

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, "I'll see you in two hours!"

[baccyman]

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.” Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.” The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m leaving.” “Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

[baccyman]

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Seth. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.

Seth, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Seth jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.

Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

[baccyman]

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet..."

[baccyman]

Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

[baccyman]

DEAR DIARY
Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.

Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.

[scribblec]

the word is celebrRate

? i dont get that one :S

[baccyman]

Originally posted by scribblec@31 January 2004 - 18:01
the word is celebrRate

? i dont get that one :S
the monks mistook the word celebrate for celibate

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man+31 January 2004 - 20:07--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (baccy_man @ 31 January 2004 - 20:07)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-scribblec@31 January 2004 - 18:01
the word is celebrRate

? i dont get that one :S
the monks mistook the word celebrate for celibate [/b][/quote]
Yeah, and it&#39;s a great one :lol:

[Radical0822]

Originally posted by baccy_man@3 December 2003 - 02:32
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I&#39;m not saying that you &#39;do&#39; sleep with Julie, and I&#39;m not saying that you &#39;do not&#39; sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom."
Damn, now THAT is one clever mother right there. :lol:

[baccyman]

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack&#39;s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh, Jack, give me a pint o&#39; the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that&#33; I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life&#33;"

"Oh, Jack", she responded, "it&#39;s only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine&#33; And She was plastered&#33;&#33; She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine&#33; For Shame&#33;&#33; And you told me this was for the Mother Superior&#39;s constipation&#33;"

Sister Mary Katherine didn&#39;t miss a beat. She replied, "And so it is. When she sees me, she&#39;s gonna sh*t.

[baccyman]

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone.
The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine.I have to share it with someone or I&#39;ll bust." She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs.

He was so happy. He added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@2 February 2004 - 15:27
(...)
He was so happy. He added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
:lol: :lol: :lol: Good one. Made me laugh. :lol:

[cpt_azad]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+2 February 2004 - 16:05--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 2 February 2004 - 16:05)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@2 February 2004 - 15:27
(...)
He was so happy. He added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
:lol: :lol: :lol: Good one. Made me laugh. :lol: [/b][/quote]
ouch&#33; feel sorry for her husband :lol: :D . dude, keep em coming, man, someone should pin this. it&#39;s just too funny and not to mention that it&#39;s so long&#33; PROPS TO baccy_man, keep it up :)

[baccyman]

Osama bin Laden, feeling sickly and concerned about his mortality, consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer. “You will die on an American holiday.” “Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously. “Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday&#33;”

[baccyman]

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I&#39;m not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn&#39;t be able to answer the questions and he&#39;d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat&#39;s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree &#39;n tree &#39;n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99."

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it&#39;s dirty tree &#39;n dirty tree &#39;n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he&#39;s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it&#33;"

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux&#39;s attempt and thinks, "Ha&#33; got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an&#39; a turd, dirty tree an&#39; a turd, and dirty tree an&#39; a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

[baccyman]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able board the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as the blind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him:

"Why don&#39;t you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy&#33; "

The blind man replies:

"If you would&#39;ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we&#39;d be riding the bus, so shut up&#33;

[baccyman]

see how many of these you get right
http://www.vissor.com/interactive/assets/buttface.swf

[baccyman]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird&#39;s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I&#39;m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven&#39;t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck&#39;s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I&#39;m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck&#39;s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "&#036;150&#33;", she cried, "&#036;150 just to tell me my duck is dead?&#33;&#33;"

The vet shrugged. "I&#39;m sorry. If you&#39;d taken my word for it, the bill would have been only &#036;20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."

[baccyman]

some of these are funny . people in a chat room that did not know that they were talking to a bot
http://www.vixenlove.com/Vixen/vixen.php

[baccyman]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I&#39;m not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That&#39;s no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I&#39;ve been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he&#39;s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I&#39;m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn&#39;t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He&#39;d come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I&#39;m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn&#39;t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He&#39;d come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he&#39;s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No&#33; I&#39;m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what&#39;s par for this damn hole&#33;"

[baccyman]

Just for the Ladies&#33;&#33;&#33;
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof&#33; God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."

Poof&#33; God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof&#33; God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

[baccyman]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that&#39;s what they are-I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they&#39;re called circle flies because they&#39;re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that&#39;s a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[baccyman]

A nice young Post Office worker was sorting through her regular mail when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD, c/o Heaven.

Upon opening the envelope, the enclosed letter told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of &#036;100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.

The young lady was deeply touched, and passed the hat among her work mates. She managed to collect &#036;90, and she sent it off to the old lady.

A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read,

"Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only &#036;90. It must have been those jerks at the post office&#33;"

[baccyman]

how to give someone the elbow
http://www.rejectionline.com/

[baccyman]

move your arrow and it follows
http://www.neen.org/demo/clinger.swf

[baccyman]

An 85 year old man, marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there&#39;s a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they&#39;re laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I&#39;ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Have I already been here this evening?"

[bujub22]

Originally posted by baccy_man@7 February 2004 - 18:21
move your arrow and it follows
http://www.neen.org/demo/clinger.swf
:lol: :lol: :lol:

if you do swirls it looks like he&#39;s doing the harlem shake :lol: :D

[baccyman]

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the carbohydric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research, they are proud to present, to the LOVE group, the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent: 12 Carbs

Without her consent: 2187 Carbs

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands: 8 Carbs

With one hand: 12 Carbs

With your teeth: 485 Carbs

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection: 6 Carbs

Without an erection: 4315 Carbs

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris: 8 Carbs

Trying to find the G-Spot: 4092 Carbs

POSITIONS:

Missionary: 12 Carbs

69 lying down: 78 Carbs

69 standing up: 812 Carbs

Wheelbarrow: 216 Carbs

Doggy Style: 326 Carbs

Italian Chandelier: 2912 Carbs ORGASMS:

Real: 112 Carbs

Fake: 1315 Carbs

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging: 18 Carbs

Getting up immediately: 36 Carbs

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 Carbs

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years: 36 Carbs

30-39 years: 80 Carbs

40-49 years: 124 Carbs

50-59 years: 1972 Carbs

60-69 years: 7916 Carbs

70 and over: Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly: 32 Carbs

In a hurry: 98 Carbs

With her father knocking at the door: 5218 Carbs

With your wife knocking at the door: 13,521 Carbs

PLEASE NOTE: Results may vary

[baccyman]

A man goes into the doctor&#39;s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It&#39;s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.

"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me" says the man.

"No" says the doctor. "But it&#39;s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

[baccyman]

On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight. After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink.
At that time of night - it was now close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his hands.

When the bartender roused himself, came over and asked, "What&#39;ll you have?" I replied, "Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is drinking."

When the drinks came, the man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and all was silent for a time. When I finished my drink I called to the bartender for another, adding, "But this time, leave out the fruit."

The other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, "Screw you mister, I didn&#39;t want the first drink&#33;"

[baccyman]

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn&#39;t really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You&#39;re the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

[baccyman]

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning&#33;”

[baccyman]

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I&#39;ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what&#39;s there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner..... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure&#33; So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times&#33;"

Sadie: "Oy&#33; Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn&#39;t go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I&#39;m just saying that if you go, wear an old dress&#33;"

[baccyman]

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I&#39;ll admit I&#39;m wrong," the wife told her husband in a con-ciliatory attempt, "if you&#39;ll admit I&#39;m right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I&#39;m wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You&#39;re right&#33;"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@11 February 2004 - 14:46
(...)
"I&#39;m wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You&#39;re right&#33;"
:lol: :lol: I have to try this out :P

[baccyman]

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It&#39;s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it&#39;s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

[baccyman]

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, "I&#39;ll give &#036;2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that&#39;s not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I&#39;m sorry, Hamish, that&#39;s not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That&#39;s absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I&#39;ll give you the &#036;2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you&#39;re Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."

[baccyman]

There was a little baby boy and a little baby girl. Then the baby boy goes "I&#39;m a boy, you are a girl&#33;" Then the girl goes "How do you know?" Then the little boy goes "I&#39;ll show you when the nurse leaves." So about 10 minutes later, the nurse leaves. So the boy lifts up his gown and goes.........
"See I have Blue Booties, and you have Pink&#33;

[baccyman]

THE "F" WORD:

When is @#&#036;% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered
acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#&#036;% do you mean we are sinking?"


-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


10. "What the @#&#036;% was that?"


-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#&#036;%ing Indians come from?"


-- Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#&#036;%ing idiot could understand that."


-- Einstein, 1938


7. "It does so @#&#036;%ing look like her&#33;"


-- Picasso, 1926


6. "How the @#&#036;% did you work that out?"


-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. "You want&#33; WHAT on the @#&#036;%ing ceiling?"


-- Michelangelo, 1566


4. "Where the @#&#036;% are we?"


-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered @#&#036;%ing showers, my ass&#33;"


-- Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw c&#39;mon. Who the @#&#036;% is going to find out?"


-- Bill Clinton, 1999


and a drum roll............&#33; .....


1. "Geez, I didn&#39;t think they&#39;d get this @%#*^ing mad."


-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

[baccyman]

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie&#39;s. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it&#39;s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it&#39;s going to rain, so I don&#39;t hang out the washing." "What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don&#39;t do the laundry."

[baccyman]

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor&#39;s office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "It&#39;s my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

[baccyman]

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen&#33;"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance&#33; Give her another chance&#33;"

The leader says, "Well since we&#39;ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE&#33; GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE&#33;"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok&#33; Ok&#33; Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE&#33; GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE&#33;"

[baccyman]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. "Don&#39;t worry about that," says St. Peter, "it&#39;s only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams."Oh my goodness," says the old lady,"now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo." "I can&#39;t do this," says the old lady, "I&#39;m going down to hell." "You can&#39;t go there," says St. Peter, "you&#39;ll be raped and sodomized." "Yes," says the old lady, "but I&#39;ve already got the holes for that&#33;".

[twisterX]

Originally posted by baccy_man@27 November 2003 - 00:54
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to
his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54
years old, and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am
otherwise happy with you as wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I&#39;ll be home before midnight.
-- Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a
faxed letter waiting for him that read as
follows:

"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and
by the time you receive this letter, I will be
at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old
pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician
that you are, you can easily appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18. Don&#39;t wait up."
lol i get it. :frusty: :blink: :rolleyes:

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@14 February 2004 - 17:52
(...)
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE&#33; GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE&#33;"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn&#39;t work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-Shirt, "Do you see &#39;Electrician&#39; written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see &#39;Carpenter&#39; written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right&#33; John replied, "Do you see &#39;plumber&#39; written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn&#39;t leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?"

Jane laughed and said, "He didn&#39;t charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?"

And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"

[baccyman]

Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.

"Leroy, what are you doing?&#33; Why are you saying that?&#33;"

Little Leroy answered, "I&#39;m doing my Math homework, Mom."

She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"

He replied, "Yes."

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy&#39;s school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."

Little Leroy&#39;s mother asked, "And... are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all&#33; What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."

[baccyman]

After driving for about ten hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. "Yeah, it&#39;s 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It&#39;s 4:40&#33;" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON&#39;T KNOW THE TIME&#33;
He sticks the paper in his windshield, but he is awoken again. &#39;It&#39;s 5:25" says another jogger.

[baccyman]

The teacher asked the children in her class, what they want to be when they grow up.
"I want to be an actress," Susie says.

"Good girl, Susie."

"I want to be an astronaut," Cliff says.

"Good boy, Cliff."

"And I want to be a sex therapist," Little Johnny yells out.

"Would you please tell the class how you think your job is going to be like?"

"Okay, Miss. Look out of the window. Three women are walking down the street, eating ice cream. One is licking, one is sucking, and one is biting. Would you please tell the class which one is married?"

"Get out of the class, Johnny, and come back with your parents&#33;"

Johnny returns and is asked to explain what he has just said, to which he replies...

"The one that is married, is the one that has a wedding ring and it is people like you, Miss, that I am going to treat."

[baccyman]

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

[baccyman]

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works&#33;"

[baccyman]

The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax."
The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax."

"No," the man responded, "I don&#39;t have any trouble going."

[baccyman]

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?&#33;?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep&#33;"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor&#39;s knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night&#33;"

[baccyman]

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that&#39;s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that&#39;s amazing&#33; I&#39;m going to buy it&#33;"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What&#39;s that?" she asked.

"Why, that&#39;s a thermos&#33; It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

"Wow, that&#39;s amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."

[baccyman]

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid &#036;50,000 to present his findings.
The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after he&#39;d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely unfair."

"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.

"Well, you get paid &#036;50,000 every time you do this lecture and that&#39;s more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

"That&#39;s not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver.

"Well if that&#39;s the case, I&#39;ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the &#036;50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, "Ok. You&#39;re on."

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver&#39;s hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he&#39;s done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."

[baccyman]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" She asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I&#39;m afraid I can&#39;t," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[baccyman]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service City/County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM&#33; It all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@20 February 2004 - 16:09
(...)
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
:o You realy shoulden&#39;t :lol: :ph34r:

[baccyman]

Differences in Dating
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mama Mia makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you&#39;ll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, nothing happens again.
Third date: You don&#39;t even get to the third date and you&#39;ve already realized nothing is going to happen again.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She&#39;s pregnant by someone else.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She&#39;s pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, two sisters, her brother, all their kids, her grandma, her father&#39;s girlfriend&#39;s mother, her two cousins, her sister&#39;s boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like it belongs somewhere in the desert along the Rio Grande with chickens and goats in the front yard.

DON&#39;T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;

[baccyman]

Dear Donna,
Hope things are well with you, Tom, and the kids.

If you&#39;ll remember, last year I replaced several windows in my house---and they were the expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Well, this week I got a call from the window contractor, complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. (Boy, oh boy, did we go &#39;round and &#39;round for a bit...)

But, just because I&#39;m old doesn&#39;t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year:

"M&#39;am, we guarantee that in one year these windows will pay for themselves."

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I haven&#39;t heard back from the guy. (Guess I must have won that silly argument.)

Well, gotta go&#33; That nice young man from Sears is here to install the new freezer that will pay for itself in three years. (God, I love this country&#33;)

Love,

Mama

[baccyman]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy&#39;s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I&#39;d like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There&#39;s more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple ......

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.

And the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

[baccyman]

Don&#39;t stop now: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn&#39;t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed&#33;
{A} Almost Boobs ......
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can&#39;t Complain&#33;
{D} Dang&#33;
{DD} Double dang&#33;
{E} Enormous&#33;
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I&#39;ve fallen and I can&#39;t get up

[Autumn Fox]

Nice tity-talk :P

[baccyman]

here&#39;s somemore

The Boob Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don&#39;t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let&#39;s do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes&#33; Right there, that&#39;s fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter&#39;s in a vise&#33;

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it&#39;s vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit&#33;

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she&#39;s kidding?&#33;?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that&#39;s good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let&#39;s have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I&#39;ll bet SHE&#39;S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow&#33;"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I&#39;d like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out

[baccyman]

How To Impress A Woman:
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:

* Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don&#39;t block the TV

[baccyman]

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. &#39;Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.&#39;

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?&#33;"

"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn&#39;t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed&#33;"

[baccyman]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the cashregister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he&#39;d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl&#39;s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I&#39;m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in&#33;" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl&#39;s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[baccyman]

Abbot & Costello Updated to 21st Century
ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I&#39;m setting up an office in my den, and I&#39;m thinking about buying a computer

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name&#39;s Lou.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don&#39;t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name&#39;s Lou.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don&#39;t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer&#33; I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office&#33;

ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows&#33; OK, let&#39;s just say, I&#39;m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOT : The Word you get when you click the blue W

COSTELLO: I&#39;m going to click your blue w if you don&#39;t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one , maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need&#33;

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it&#39;s a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: OK, I&#39;m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there&#39;s three words in office for windows&#33;

ABBOT: No, just one. but it&#39;s the most popular Word in the world

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren&#39;t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn&#39;t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop&#33; Don&#39;t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That&#39;s right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What&#39;s bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: Money

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: One copy

COSTELLO: Isn&#39;t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

[baccyman]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.The father&#39;s plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I&#39;m afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.

The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it&#39;s even worse than I could ever have imagined... "

"What&#39;s this mean&#33;?" his wife asked quizzically.

"I&#39;m afraid our son&#39;s going to be a politician&#33;"

[baccyman]

As a West Virginia trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
Then the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the door.

Again the trucker lowers the window.

As if they&#39;ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load&#33;" Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car runs up to the truck and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers his window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load&#33;"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says....

"Hi, My name is Kevin. It&#39;s winter in West Virginia and I&#39;m driving the SALT TRUCK."

[Bowen747x]

:blink:

[tesco]

Originally posted by baccy_man@25 February 2004 - 10:34
Abbot & Costello Updated to 21st Century
ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I&#39;m setting up an office in my den, and I&#39;m thinking about buying a computer

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name&#39;s Lou.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don&#39;t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name&#39;s Lou.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don&#39;t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer&#33; I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office&#33;

ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows&#33; OK, let&#39;s just say, I&#39;m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOT : The Word you get when you click the blue W

COSTELLO: I&#39;m going to click your blue w if you don&#39;t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one , maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need&#33;

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it&#39;s a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: OK, I&#39;m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there&#39;s three words in office for windows&#33;

ABBOT: No, just one. but it&#39;s the most popular Word in the world

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren&#39;t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn&#39;t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop&#33; Don&#39;t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That&#39;s right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What&#39;s bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: Money

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: One copy

COSTELLO: Isn&#39;t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: Why not, they own it.
:lol: :lol:

[j4y3m]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try.
After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?"

"Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc."

"So, Dad, do you have a nickname?"

"Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that "F**king Yankee."

[Bowen747x]

that one about abbot is costello awesome
the ending is madd funny

[baccyman]

glad that you liked it

[Bowen747x]

lol sry i did like it its just the other was was so much more funny :P

[j4y3m]

Originally posted by baccy_man@27 February 2004 - 17:16
A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try.
After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?"

"Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc."

"So, Dad, do you have a nickname?"

"Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that "F**king Yankee."
Two lol smilies for that one... :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi. . you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I&#39;d really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You&#39;ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and of course, he&#39;ll supply all of your clothes. And because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You&#39;ll also be expected to escort her on her luxurious overseas trips. You&#39;ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is &#036;200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You&#39;re kidding me&#33;"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[baccyman]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I&#39;ll give &#036;500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan&#39;s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the &#036;500 and says, "If ya don&#39;t mind me askin&#39;, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first&#33;"

[baccyman]

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse.
They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"

The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad&#33;" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he&#39;d chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes&#33;&#39; said the farmer, "BUT, George&#39;s DAD, wasn&#39;t in the cherry tree when he chopped it down&#33;"

[baccyman]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Sally went straight round to visit her Grandmother.
When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Sally suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her grandma replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells -- in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear.

"If it wasn&#39;t for that damn ice cream van going past, he&#39;d still be alive."

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@29 February 2004 - 16:22
(...)
"If it wasn&#39;t for that damn ice cream van going past, he&#39;d still be alive."
:o :lol: Hefta watch for it. Imagine speed metal or metalcore =)

[baccyman]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He&#39;s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull grey suit. There&#39;s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I&#39;m not falling for this." says the man. "I&#39;m not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You&#39;ve got no transportation, and it looks like you&#39;re a goner anyway&#33;"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platers of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what&#39;s your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

**POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one&#33;"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there&#39;s going to be a string attached.

[baccyman]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

[baccyman]

Two bored old ladies are sitting on a park bench. One says, “For five bucks I’ll streak through the flower show across the street.” They shake on it. Waiting outside the flower show, her friend soon hears a commotion in the convention hall, followed by loud applause. Then the naked granny bursts out through the door with a cheering crowd behind her. “What happened?” asks her friend. “I won first prize for best dried arrangement&#33;”

[baccyman]

Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.
Consider newlyweds Sven and Marta on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.

They are nearing Minneapolis when Sven puts his hand on Marta&#39;s knee. Giggling, Marta says, "Sven, you can go farder than that if you vant to..."

So Sven drives on to Duluth.

[baccyman]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.

"Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath&#33;"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[PauDoce]

Originally posted by baccy_man@26 November 2003 - 17:30
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma&#39;am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn&#39;t. He just walked in the door."
Great jokes, thanks a lot man, but this one was hard for me&#33;
I couldn&#39;t understand it&#33;

[Wolfmight]

Couldnt read the jokes hardly because of the hot ass:
http://filesharingtalk.com/uploads/av-1814.jpg

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by PauDoce+4 March 2004 - 14:18--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (PauDoce @ 4 March 2004 - 14:18)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@26 November 2003 - 17:30
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma&#39;am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn&#39;t. He just walked in the door."
Great jokes, thanks a lot man, but this one was hard for me&#33;
I couldn&#39;t understand it&#33; [/b][/quote]
Simple, the guy that slid down was a lover of some sort and he wanted to clear off before the husband could see him.

[baccyman]

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn&#39;t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

[baccyman]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I&#39;ve got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren&#39;t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

[baccyman]

A business man was aboard the redeye when turbulence shook the plane, causing the flight attendant to spill hot coffee in his lap.
"I&#39;m so sorry, sir" she said "Are you all right?"

"Yes, I think so," he replied. "But tell me, was that regular or decaf?"

"Regular."

"Just my luck," he moaned. "Now it&#39;s going to be up all night."

[baccyman]

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of rigorous training the young recruit got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down.
The troop leader said to the young man, "IF YOU DON&#39;T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I&#39;M GOING TO STICK MY COCK UP YOUR ASS&#33;"

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened, and his father asked, "Did you jump, son?"

The boy said, "A little at first&#33;"

[baccyman]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S&#39; cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin", said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives&#33;"

[baccyman]

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood&#33;&#33;"

[baccyman]

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff&#39;s office and said,
"You&#39;ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don&#39;t care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You&#39;ve got to do something about these drivers. The &#39;school crossing&#39; sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own damned sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Hell, yes, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling.

Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmer&#39;s last call, the sheriff decided to call him.

"How&#39;s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, hell yes. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I&#39;ve got to go. I&#39;m very busy."

And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff though to himself, "I&#39;d better go to that farmer&#39;s house and look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer&#39;s house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[baccyman]

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I&#39;m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don&#39;t mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

[baccyman]

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.
I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress:

Day 1

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She&#39;s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven&#39;s sake&#33; Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn&#39;t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can&#39;t imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can&#39;t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men&#39;s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don&#39;t have triceps. And if you don&#39;t want dents in the floor don&#39;t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn&#39;t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya&#39;s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that&#39;s the week. Thank goodness that&#39;s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

[baccyman]

Police Officer O&#39;Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.
The car lot is closed so O&#39;Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don&#39;t you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don&#39;t drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

[baccyman]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad&#39;s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came &#33; back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad&#39;s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a bizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted... but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next

[baccyman]

A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams. “I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife&#33;” “Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole&#33;” she yells. “See? You sound just like her.”

[baccyman]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn&#39;t have signed up in the first place&#33;

[baccyman]

Mad Cow Disease
This is really the best explanation that I have heard clearly defining this occurrence...

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just outside Cornerbrook, Newfoundland, to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that&#39;s a new piece of information, but what&#39;s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn&#39;t you get mad?

[baccyman]

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man.
"Shertainly," said the drunk, "an&#39; if you&#39;ll jesh open the door f&#39;me, I&#39;ll prove it to you."

"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine. You shee that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me."

The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.

"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And shee that guy lying next to her?"

"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.

"Thash me&#33;"

[baccyman]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain&#39;t from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I&#39;m from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I&#39;m a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It&#39;s okay boys, he&#39;s one of us&#33;"

[baccyman]

Three truckdrivers died and went to heaven where they met St. Peter at the gates.
St. Peter says, "I have to ask each of you three simple questions before you can enter the gates to paradise."

So he calls the first driver over and asks his questions. "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"

"No."

"Have you ever done any dope?"

"No."

"Well have you ever screwed around with other women?"

"No."

St. Peter points to the left and says, "You stand by that door right over there."

He calls the second guy over and starts; "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"

"No, that&#39;d be bad for my health."

"Have you ever done any drugs?"

"No sir, that&#39;d be breaking the law."

"Well have you ever screwed around with any women?" "No way, that&#39;d be breaking one of the ten commandments."

St. Peter says "Allright, stand by your buddy over there." and called the third truckdriver over.

He starts, "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"

"Well, I tried not to but I&#39;ve always been an alcoholic."

"Well&#33; Let me ask you this, Have you ever done any drugs?"

"Why hell yea, how do you think I stay awake to run 20 hours a day, you&#39;ve got to roll to make the dough."

"Well," St. Peter asks "I&#39;ve got to know, have you ever scewed around with any women?" "Ooooooooooweeee; maaaan, there&#39;s this dame back in Baltimore that&#39;ll suck the chrome off a trailer hitch&#33;"

St. Peter pointed to the right and says "You stand by that door over there." When the driver asks about the other two guys, St. Peter explains "Your buddies are going to hell; but we&#39;re going back to Baltimore&#33;&#33;&#33;"

[baccyman]

Father O&#39;Grady was saying his goodbye&#39;s to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What&#39;s bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O&#39;Grady.
"Oh, father, I&#39;ve got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well what would that be now, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, Father... he passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary," said the priest, "that&#39;s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, &#39;Please, Mary, put down the gun...&#39;"

[baccyman]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you?" "Yessh&#33; Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man&#39;s weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I&#39;ll be damned -----

My girlfriend&#39;s gone, too&#33;&#33;

[baccyman]

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don&#39;t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won&#39;t do."

[baccyman]

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary&#39;s."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks,"Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well, " sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men&#39;s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it&#39;s just the reflection off her shoes."

[baccyman]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn&#39;t reach that far. Bless her heart.

[baccyman]

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a &#036;200 bicycle for his birthday.
Little Johnny&#39;s father said, "Johnny, we have a &#036;80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas&#33;"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again.

The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were &#39;pulling out,&#39; and Mommy said that &#39;you should wait because she was coming, too....&#39;

"And I&#39;ll be DAMNED if I&#39;m gonna be stuck with your &#036;80,000 mortgage&#33;"

[baccyman]

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that?" the host asked.

Her reply: "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks, anyone can&#33;"

[baccyman]

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their &#39;dogs&#39;.

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[baccyman]

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter&#39;s brain sells for &#036;1.50 per pound. A plumber&#39;s brain sells for &#036;2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician&#39;s brain sells for &#036;375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@15 March 2004 - 15:46
(...)"Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
This makes me sad.

People don&#39;t start wars. Politicians do.

[baccyman]

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?” The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.” The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water&#33;” “OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.” The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?” The Arab rasped “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

[baccyman]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman&#39;s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I&#39;m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck&#33;"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck&#33;" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister," says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to the dog&#39;s "privates."

"Little girl," says the fireman, "I don&#39;t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog&#39;s neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You&#39;re probably right mister, but then I wouldn&#39;t have a siren&#33;"

[baccyman]

Three golfers, a son, a father and a grandfather were getting ready to tee off when a beautiful young woman asked if she could join them as a fourth. All of the men eagerly agreed. The young woman asked only that they agree not to try to coach or help her with her game.
The guys said, "no problem," and they started their round.

To the men&#39;s surprise, the woman played a wonderful round, and the men held to their promise not to interfere. On the last hole, she needed a birdie to score the best round of golf she had ever played. She needed to make about a 15 ft. side hill putt for a birdie.

After looking at the putt from every direction, she just couldn&#39;t decide what it would do. Finally she said, "I know I insisted on playing my own game, but if one of you guys can help me make this putt, I will give him the best night of sex you have ever had."

The son, claiming to have the best eyesight, told her he thought the ball would break about 8" to the right.

The father, claiming he had more experience on the greens said he thought it would break more like 12" to the right.

The grandfather looked at the beautiful girl, and grinning from ear to ear, walked over and picked up the girl&#39;s ball and handed it to her saying, "It&#39;s a gimmie&#33;"

[baccyman]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father&#39;s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what&#39;s the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don&#39;t put all your eggs in one basket&#33;"

"Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don&#39;t count your chickens until they&#39;re hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma&#39;am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn&#39;t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don&#39;t mess with Aunt Karen when she&#39;s been drinking&#33;"

[baccyman]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You&#39;ve seen his wars and his material wealth. You&#39;ve seen his progress, and the damage he&#39;s done."
The chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night making love."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think He could improve system like that&#33;"

[baccyman]

A man and woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go back to the woman&#39;s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist."

Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. Once they&#39;re done, the woman says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well yes, I am a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn&#39;t feel a thing&#33;"

[tesco]

"Didn&#39;t feel a thing&#33;"

:lol: :lol:

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@18 March 2004 - 12:55
(...)
"Didn&#39;t feel a thing&#33;"
:o :lol: :lol:

Edit: Change that sig of yours, me eyes still hurt. :rolleyes:

[baccyman]

who me ???

[cpt_azad]

nice avatar baccy (and crazy joke to&#33;) :D B) , i think autumn was referring to rossco

[baccyman]

Originally posted by cpt_azad@19 March 2004 - 10:35
nice avatar baccy (and crazy joke to&#33;) :D B) , i think autumn was referring to rossco


thanks


Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?













A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear

[baccyman]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body was that of a Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body was a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Mississippi, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

[baccyman]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She&#39;s so stupid that she went shopping today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain&#39;t got electricity&#33;"
Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain&#39;t nothing, my wife&#39;s dumber than that&#33; She went shopping yesterday and had a washing machine delivered." They all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing&#33;

The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman&#39;s got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain&#39;t got no pecker."

[cpt_azad]

dude, keep em coming&#33;&#33;&#33; you got so many jokes, shit, i could never think of this many&#33;&#33;&#33; keep it up&#33;&#33;&#33;

[baccyman]

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Jeeves" she said, "I can&#39;t remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."

"What a night&#33;" she said. "I must have been tight&#33;"

"Only the first time, Madam."

[baccyman]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn&#39;t wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn&#39;t wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[baccyman]

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.

“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

[baccyman]

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you &#036;20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[baccyman]

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I&#39;d like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@21 March 2004 - 18:41
(...)
"I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."
:lol: :rolleyes:

[tesco]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+18 March 2004 - 19:01--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 18 March 2004 - 19:01)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@18 March 2004 - 12:55
(...)
"Didn&#39;t feel a thing&#33;"
:o :lol: :lol:

Edit: Change that sig of yours, me eyes still hurt. :rolleyes: [/b][/quote]
:lol: no, im using it until I finally get around to making a good sig using photoshop.

If you want to make me one u can...

[baccyman]

There were two men who went into a company to apply for the same job in a factory in Dublin, Ireland. One was an Irishman and the other was an Irish-American.
The supervisor said, "I&#39;m going to give both of you a test. Whoever gets the best score on the test will get the job."

The two men went off to another room to take the test.

The supervisor collected the tests when each man finished. He went over them then called the men into his office one at a time.

When he talked to the native Irishman he said, "I&#39;m afraid I had to give the job to the Yank."

The native Irishman replied, "I can&#39;t believe it&#33; I&#39;m from this country. I should have the best chance. What makes him have a better chance?"

The supervisor explained, "Well, on question #28 the Yank wrote down, &#39;I don&#39;t know,&#39; and you wrote down on your test, &#39;I don&#39;t know either&#33;&#39;"

[baccyman]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.
One day the wife of the tribe&#39;s chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here&#33; You&#39;re the only white man we&#39;ve ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn&#39;t take a genius to figure out what happened&#33;"

The professor replied, "Chief, you&#39;re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino&#33; Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don&#39;t say anything more about the sheep and I won&#39;t say anything more about the baby".

[baccyman]

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along and sees what they&#39;re trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn&#39;t that just like a dumb engineer? We&#39;re looking for the height and he gives us the length&#33;"

[baccyman]

A man went to the doctor’s office for a full body exam. To the doctor’s surprise, the man had a cork where his asshole should be. “What is this?”, asked the Doctor. “Oh, you’re referring to the cork. Don’t try to remove it… it’s permanent.” “How did it happen?” “Well, few months ago I was having a long walk on the beach when I accidentally tripped over a lamp. And then there was a lot of smoke and a genie came out of it. He says,‘I shall grant you one wish.‘” So I said, “NO SHIT&#33;&#33;”

[Homme]

Two men walks in to a bar. The third man ducks........... <_<

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@23 March 2004 - 11:12
(...)
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don&#39;t say anything more about the sheep and I won&#39;t say anything more about the baby".
That&#39;s just not right :o :P

[baccyman]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."Worried, the woman asked anxiously,

"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied,

"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt&#33;"

[baccyman]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem&#33;"
"What&#39;s the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you&#39;ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I&#39;m just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I&#39;m sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What&#39;s a &#39;man&#39;, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he&#39;ll give you a hard time. But, he&#39;ll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He&#39;ll also need your advice to think properly. He&#39;ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in romantic pursuits."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What&#39;s the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What&#39;s that, Lord?"

"You&#39;ll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[baccyman]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I&#39;ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I&#39;m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you&#39;ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn&#39;t get your hair cut&#33;"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I&#39;ve been thinking about that. I&#39;ve read in the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes, Son, and if you read on further you&#39;ll find out that they walked everywhere they went&#33;"

[baccyman]

God&#39;s One Mistake


First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There&#39;s something he&#39;s needing.&#39; "
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
&#39;Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.


Then he added a mouth.






Ruined the whole f**king thing.

[Autumn Fox]

:lol: :lol: :lol: But there&#39;d be no blow jobs ^_^

[baccyman]

no ear bashing either :D :D :D


Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he deiced to ask her on the telephone. “Darling&#33; He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”
“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

[baccyman]

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It&#39;s a floor-cleaning machine."

[ashutosh_cool16]

Couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn&#39;t familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,
"Good morning, Ma&#39;am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn&#39;t
it obvious?"

"You&#39;re in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But officer, I&#39;m
not fishing. Can&#39;t you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I&#39;ll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I&#39;ll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate
woman.

"But, I haven&#39;t even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that&#39;s true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

[ashutosh_cool16]

Excellent Poems

Excellent poems by not so famous poets... found on toilet doors and
walls..........these are the robert frosts or nizzim ezekiels of
today...to the manor born...


A budding poet trying his best...

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote,

You&#39;re lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shat my pants&#33;

Perhaps it&#39;s true that people find inspiration in
toilets.

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement
space.......

(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire
Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.

We aim to please&#33;
You aim too&#33; Please&#33;

Seen above a urinal:

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don&#39;t piss in your ashtrays&#33;

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the
entire performance.

A sign at a swimming pool bathroom:

We don&#39;t swim in your toilet, so please don&#39;t pee in
our pool.

Another sign seen at a swimming pool:

Welcome to our ool.
Notice there&#39;s no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson...
Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make your
food...please aim properly.

[ashutosh_cool16]

One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious
back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your
back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This
morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On
entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from
the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed
the fridge and threw it at him,That&#39;s how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor
said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the
hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the
first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I
was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
won&#39;t believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do.
The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to
youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

[ashutosh_cool16]

My Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call
mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the
City Hall to renew the dog&#39;s license, I told the clerk that I would like a
license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too&#33;" Then I said, "But
she is a dog&#33;" He said he didn&#39;t care what she looked like. I said, "You
don&#39;t understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He
replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get
married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He
said he didn&#39;t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us
in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was
barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we
checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my
wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a
place for sex. I said, "You don&#39;t understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at
night." The clerk said, "Me too&#33;"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should
have sold my own tickets. "You don&#39;t understand," I said, "I hoped to have
Sex on TV." He called me a show off.


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me
after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here&#33;"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop
came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o&#39;clock in the
morning. I said, "I&#39;m looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I&#39;ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles
with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for
my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the
trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it
has left me for ever. I can&#39;t live any longer being so lonely." and the
doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn&#39;t a man&#39;s
best friend so go get yourself a dog."

[scribblec]

funny.com??

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by ashutosh_cool16@26 March 2004 - 15:38
My Dog Named Sex
(...)
:lol: I love this joke :)

[baccyman]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+27 March 2004 - 01:12--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 27 March 2004 - 01:12)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-ashutosh_cool16@26 March 2004 - 15:38
My Dog Named Sex
(...)
:lol: I love this joke :)



[/b][/quote]
i think i posted that a while back
____________________________________________________________________
Subject: Getting your tooth pulled



There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.
First off the dentist said, "I&#39;ll give you a shot to numb your jaw."
But the guy said, "No, please don&#39;t do that, I&#39;m afraid of needles."
The dentist said, "OK, I&#39;ll get out the gas to put you to sleep."
However the guy said, "Nope, I&#39;m allergic to the gas."
So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I&#39;ll go look for something else."
After awhile he came back with a couple of blue pills.
The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"
The dentist said, "Viagra." The guy said, "WHAT&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33; Why these?"
The dentist said, "They won&#39;t help with the pain, but they&#39;ll give you
something to hang on to while I pull out your damn tooth.

[baccyman]

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are........
We challenge any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A &#39;65 Ford Fairlane, a &#39;69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a &#39;64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it&#39;s charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man&#39;s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[baccyman]

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I&#39;m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I&#39;ll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve&#39;s wife gave it to me."

"That&#39;s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve&#39;s widow.`"

She said, "`No, I&#39;m not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@27 March 2004 - 17:46
(...)
She said, "`No, I&#39;m not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Sensetive and profitable ^_^

[Neo 721]

wonder where these come from.

[Autumn Fox]

funny.com ?

[baccyman]

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I&#39;m listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin&#39; me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,

"This just ain&#39;t your day."

[baccyman]

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice.
The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally&#39;s."

So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally&#39;s. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The voice says, "Oops&#33;"

[baccyman]

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years, and Yossel couldn&#39;t stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel&#39;s desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.

The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn&#39;t take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result. Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said, "I don&#39;t understand.....what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"I think she got fired too."

[baccyman]

The Army has been experimenting for years to come up with a liquid that will eat through anything and they finally did it. It eats through glass, stainless steel, iron,and all kinds of metal, rock and granite. Now if they could only find something to put it in.

[baccyman]

A blonde goes into a world-wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be &#036;300, she exclaims, "I don&#39;t have any money but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland&#33;" To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything&#33;" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her to enter and shut the door. The blonde complies. He then says "Get on your knees" and she does that as well.

He then says "Unzip my fly" and she does.

He then says "Go ahead and take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well, go ahead&#33;"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.. She says "HELLO, MOM?"

[baccyman]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I&#39;m sorry honey, I&#39;ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man+29 March 2004 - 12:40--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (baccy_man &#064; 29 March 2004 - 12:40)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> (...)
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.. She says "HELLO, MOM?" [/b]

<!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@29 March 2004 - 22:28
(...)
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" [/quote]

http://filesharingtalk.com/generator/smilies/768627932.png

[baccyman]

Q: What is the difference between God and Martha Stewart?

















A: God does NOT think He is Martha Stewart&#33;

[baccyman]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?

"Why, I&#39;ve been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you&#39;ve had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I&#39;d gone deaf."

[baccyman]

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven&#39;s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?

""Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I&#39;ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five- hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates

."No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic.

"Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you&#39;re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system&#33; Why does he deserve better?&#33;"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

[baccyman]

Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They&#39;ve heard a rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they aren&#39;t happy about sharing any of their cows.
The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I&#39;ve been pretty happy with MY 120 cows. I am not about to share any of MY cows with this new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 60 cows, so I can&#39;t afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I&#39;m still a teenager. I&#39;m already climbing the walls with just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard. The entire trailer contains just one animal - the biggest, baddest bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns four feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank, the two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner of the pasture, he&#39;ll leave me alone."

But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot over to the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It&#39;s not worth dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows."

"He can HAVE my 20 cows," replies the young bull, snorting and pawing the ground again. "I&#39;m just making sure he knows I&#39;m a BULL&#33;"

[baccyman]

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard&#33; Spit it out&#33;"

[baccyman]

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is near&#33; Turn yourself around now before it&#39;s too late&#33;"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts&#33;" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says &#39;Bridge Out&#39; instead?"

[baccyman]

A soldier in Vietnam walked into a whorehouse in Saigon, went up to the madam, and asked, "Do Oriental women really have horizontal ones?"
"Why?" asked the madam. "Are you harmonica player?"

[baccyman]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" he said to himself as a little &#39;dust&#39; cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Jo Ann," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It&#39;s not talcum powder, Dear. It&#39;s &#39;Miracle Grow&#39;."

[baccyman]

For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here&#39;s an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage

[baccyman]

Q: Do you know why the doctor spanks a new born baby?
















A: It knocks the dick off the stupid ones&#33;

[baccyman]

Send someone over quickly&#33; The old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window&#33;"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I&#39;ll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it&#39;s YOU I want&#33;" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder&#33;"

[h121589]

ya good jokes :D

[baccyman]

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it&#39;s spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."
The other man replies, "No, wouldn&#39;t it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots&#33; It&#39;s spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks&#33;" and she storms off.

The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She&#39;s heard an elephant fart too&#33;"

[baccyman]

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He" looked her right in the eye .... and said, "This isn&#39;t going to take all day, is it?

[teju2k]

Once a farmer is fed up with his threats of "I&#39;ll take you to the jungle if you create more mischief" and takes his youngest goat to the jungle. Suddenly out of nowhere 3 robbers appear and rob him of all his belongings including his clothes. They tie him to a tree completely naked with his baby goat hiding behind the bush.

3 days pass and he&#39;s rescued by a passer-by. After getting himself untied from the tree the farmer immediately picks up a nearby stick and starts beating the living daylights out of the goat. Puzzled the passer-by asks "After being freed after 3 days the first thing you do is beat your goat?" On which farmer replies "FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS I AM TRYING TO TELL HER I AM NOT HER MOTHER" :D

[baccyman]

A week after their wedding, redneck newlyweds, Jed and Daisy, paid a visit to their doctor.
"I can&#39;t figure it out doc, and I&#39;m really worried," says Jed. "My privates are turning BLUE."

"That&#39;s pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Jed&#39;s privates ARE blue.

The doctor turns to Daisy and asks: "Daisy, are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?

"Yeah, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she answers.

[baccyman]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[baccyman]

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I&#39;m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk." "Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[sir waffle]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+27 March 2004 - 00:12--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 27 March 2004 - 00:12)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-ashutosh_cool16@26 March 2004 - 15:38
My Dog Named Sex
(...)
:lol: I love this joke :) [/b][/quote]
same here, thats a gr8 joke :lol:

[baccyman]

Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Braves cap on her pubic area.

The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.

He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it. Then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.

However, when he lifted the Braves cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Braves cap once again and stared for a long time.

As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him to ask why he spent so much time looking at the woman&#39;s genitalia?

He replied, "It&#39;s the first time I&#39;ve seen anything but an asshole under a Braves cap."

[baccyman]

“I’ve been making a lot of Freudian slips lately,” a man says to his friend. “Like what?” asks his buddy. “Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh.” “I did something similar the other day,” says the friend. “My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, ‘Honey, please pass the butter,’ I said, ‘You bitch—you ruined my life&#33;’”

[baccyman]

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at the Air Base with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma&#39;am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They&#39;re all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma&#39;am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I&#39;d had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase

[baccyman]

Why Muslim Terrorists are So Quick to Commit Suicide











Just received some top secret information here. Very interesting&#33;

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let&#39;s see now:

No beer, No bars, No radio, No television, No Playboy or Penthouse, No Teasers, No rugby, No Football, No basketball, No baseball, No golf, No dancing, No music.

No bikinis on the beach, No nude beaches, No summer mini skirts and bra less beauties.

No BBQ pork, No Ham, No bacon, No hot-dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen seafood sticks.

Christmas Rags for clothes and towels for hats, Constant wailing from the guy next door because he&#39;s sick and there are no doctors, Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

You can&#39;t shave, your wife can&#39;t shave and you can&#39;t shave your wife.

Sand is everywhere, Sand gets into everything, you wipe your backside >with your left hand without toilet paper, and you can&#39;t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times, your bride is picked by someone else, she smells just like your donkey, and your donkey has a better disposition.

Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get the 77 virgins and it all gets better&#33;

So, no mystery here.

[baccyman]

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible. The entirety of the human experience could be found there, without exception. After the service, the preacher was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don&#39;t believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look it up. The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, ... "And Mary rode Joseph&#39;s ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[Dray_04]

lol

[baccyman]

Jack&#39;s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men&#39;s names&#33; Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men.
Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died&#33;"

"Don&#39;t be ridiculous," she replied, "I don&#39;t care who gave you the money&#33;"

[baccyman]

Q. How can a woman tell if she is flat chested?

















A: She will look down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.

[baccyman]

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied..... "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."

[baccyman]

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer&#39;, to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn&#39;t I?"

[baccyman]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I&#39;m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I&#39;ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it&#39;s still in the CRATE

[baccyman]

A lady lived in a small Minnesota town had two pet monkeys that she was very fond of. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other died of a broken heart. Wishing to keep them, the lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked if she would like them mounted.
"Oh, no," she replied, "Just have them holding hands."

[baccyman]

A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful&#33; So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I&#39;d never heard before&#33; I mean, all these awful 4-letter words&#33; You&#39;ve got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA&#33;"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down&#33; You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don&#39;t make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I&#39;m so embarrassed, they&#39;re just too awful&#33; COME GET ME, PLEASE&#33;"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words&#33;"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I&#39;ll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[baccyman]

A doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul&#39;s eternal afterlife.
Unfortunately he&#39;d been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn&#39;t quite certain what to expect.

Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing.

Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, so he quickly shut the door.

After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.

Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps&#33;

He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, "I&#39;ll take the third door&#33;"

"Oh, no, I&#39;m afraid that&#39;s not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That&#39;s NURSE&#39;S Hell&#33;"

[baccyman]

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you&#39;re out at first, you don&#39;t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

[baccyman]

Jerry&#39;s at the urinal in an airport rest room when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey buddy -- can you help me out here?"
Though he feels uneasy, he considers the guy&#39;s predicament and decides to help. He bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, reaches in and pulls out the guy&#39;s penis.

Much to his horror, it is hideous&#33; It&#39;s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he&#39;ll get on Judgment Day for this selfless good deed, Jerry holds the man&#39;s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man&#39;s pants and zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask - What the hell&#39;s wrong with your johnson?"

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don&#39;t know, but I sure as hell ain&#39;t touching it."

[baccyman]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles&#39; bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I&#39;m just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I&#39;ll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

[baccyman]

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find &#39;em?"
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They&#39;re on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I&#39;m sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife&#39;s got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it&#33;"

[test2speed]

the 1st joke was funny :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
---------------------------------

[baccyman]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.” Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says, “&#036;101,237.64.” The boss says, “&#036;101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?” Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?” Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ’Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’”

[vivitron 15]

:lol: :D :lol:

loved that last one

[baccyman]

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to phone after many rings and the irritated husband says "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this late, doing what"?

"Getting a second opinion," she says.

[baccyman]

A man and an attractive woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I&#39;m sorry to bother you but I&#39;m cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I&#39;ve got a better idea. Let&#39;s pretend we&#39;re married"

"Hey, terrific idea&#33;", says the eager man.

"Good", she replies, "GET YOUR OWN BLANKET&#33;"

[baccyman]

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom&#39;s room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man&#33; I need a man&#33;"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her.

So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike&#33; I need a bike&#33;"

[baccyman]

A little boy wanted &#036;100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the &#036;100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a &#036;5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the &#036;5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted &#036;95.00 in taxes.

[baccyman]

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. "As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that. "Sir, that&#39;s another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."

We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?" "Well," replied the waiter, "I don&#39;t know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons&#33;"

[baccyman]

MOODS OF A WOMAN
================
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

she&#39;s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she&#39;ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

she&#39;ll win you in range, enchant you in silk, she&#39;ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk

at times she&#39;ll be vengeful, merry and sad, she&#39;ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad&#33;

MOODS OF A MAN
================

Horny.

[baccyman]

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side.
“Hello? Hello?” Jesus replied, “Who is it?”

“Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied.

Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Joseph?”

The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”

[baccyman]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don&#39;t big planes have baby planes? " The mother (who couldn&#39;t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don&#39;t big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

[virusgenerator]

because your not going to get in trouble for spamming...although i do like your avatar

[baccyman]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 87 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping upon the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn&#39;t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven&#39;t felt that good in years&#33;

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me&#33;"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no&#33; He just yelled, "April Fool&#33;" And that&#39;s when I shot the little bastard.

[baccyman]

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don&#39;t know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch.

Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"

The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."

The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.

The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis&#33;"

[baccyman]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was probably having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He recommended that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

That evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying:

"Oh Mom&#33; You don&#39;t have to worry about that&#33; I&#39;m dating Susan&#33;"

[baccyman]

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five &#036;1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize, a whole year&#39;s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month&#39;s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how&#39;s the toilet brush, Harry?""

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I&#39;ll go back to paper..."

[baccyman]

Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are &#036;1.00.

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar...

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a penny.

[baccyman]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn&#39;t gone too far when my husband&#39;s mule stumbled.

"My husband quietly said, &#39;That&#39;s once.&#39;

"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.

"Once more my husband quietly said, &#39;That&#39;s twice.&#39;

"We hadn&#39;t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said &#39;That&#39;s once.&#39;"

[baccyman]

A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste&#33; Those are bull&#39;s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy&#33;"

The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I&#39;m on vacation down here&#33; Bring me an order&#33;"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy&#33;"

The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday&#33;"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[baccyman]

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed &#036;1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma&#39;am, I couldn&#39;t help but notice that you put &#036;1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don&#39;t need I give to the church."

The pastor replied... "That&#39;s wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said... "Oh, &#036;20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed...

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly....

"Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[baccyman]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There&#39;s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt&#39;s riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[baccyman]

An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.
The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.

The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."

The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."

The handsome man said, "There&#39;s no way, she won&#39;t go with anybody, I&#39;ve tried many times."

The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."

The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won&#39;t go out with me, she sure as hell won&#39;t go out with you."

Ugly said, "I&#39;ll bet you fifty bucks she&#39;ll go with me."

Handsome says, "You&#39;re on&#33;"

Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I&#39;ll pick it up later."

He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.

The handsome man couldn&#39;t believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"

The bartender told him, "Well, he didn&#39;t say much. He just said it&#39;s a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."

[baccyman]

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We&#39;re on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I&#39;m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I&#39;m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I&#39;m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She&#39;s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady&#39;s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He&#39;s gotta take a crap first."

[baccyman]

A polish couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired,

"What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly,

"We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he&#39;ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

[baccyman]

One day, an old woman sat in her rocking chair on her front porch. Beside her slept her mangy old hound, Rex.
All of a sudden, a genie appears, startling the old crone. "Old woman," the genie says, "I feel sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I’ve decided to grant you three wishes."

The old woman thinks about it and says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess."

Poof&#33; The genie turns her into a young, beautiful princess.

The beautiful princess thinks some more and says, "A princess should live in a castle, not a shack like this."

Poof&#33; The shack becomes a huge castle.

The princess thinks a little more, then asks, "Shouldn’t a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?"

The genie looks around and spots Rex. Poof&#33; Rex is transformed into a handsome prince.

Rex, the handsome prince, strolls up to the beautiful princess and kisses her passionately.

She melts in his arms and cries, "Take me Rex&#33; Take me now&#33;"

With a bitter smile, Rex whispers in her ear, "Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered now, bitch&#33;"

[baccyman]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don&#39;t have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I&#39;m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma&#39;s minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she&#39;s in the bedroom bangin&#39; her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[baccyman]

http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert015.jpg

[tesco]

Originally posted by baccy_man@24 April 2004 - 11:27
http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert015.jpg
:lol:

I tihnk that is the first pic you&#39;ve put into this thread.

[baccyman]

its the first time i have tried to . now i know how i might do somemore

http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert002.jpg

[danyj]

:lol: ........... :x :x :x

[dark_shadow_133]

Originally posted by baccy_man@24 April 2004 - 19:40
its the first time i have tried to . now i know how i might do somemore

http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert002.jpg
Ewww.... :x that is like so wrong... :angry: