A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, "Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says, "The same as the short ones."

[baccyman]

On a Canadian TV show a black comedian was holding forth and explaining how much he and his people missed Bill Clinton.
"Yep" he said "that's right --we really miss Bill Clinton. He was the closest we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number One: He played the sax!

Number Two: He smoked weed!

Number Three: He screwed ugly white women!

And Number Four: Even now - look at him, his wife works and he don't. And he gets a check from the government every month!

[baccyman]

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked!"

[baccyman]

Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor!
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of our students?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?".

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[baccyman]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

[baccyman]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[baccyman]

Image Resized
[img]http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert014.jpg' width='200' height='120' border='0' alt='click for full size view'> ('http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert014.jpg')

[baccyman]

http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert004.jpg

[baccyman]

This lovely young girl is sitting in a train carriage on her own when a crusty old bastard comes in, eating a tray of king prawns.
He sits opposite her, shelling his prawns and flicking the shells on the floor. Occasionally he tosses on onto the lady's lap with a sneer.

When he's finished the meal he casually screws up the polystyrene tray he's been eating from and throws it at the girl's face.

The young lady calmly stands up, picks the shells off the floor, puts them back in the tray and throws the whole mess out the window.

Then she walks over to the emergency stop button and thumps it hard.

"You dumb bitch," the dirty old man burps. "That's gonna cost you $100!"

"Yeah," she replied, "but when the police smell your fingers it's gonna cost you 10 years."

[baccyman]

A man was having trouble sleeping because of a weird dream he kept having. Finally he followed his wife's advice and went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, I just have to get some sleep," he said, "but I can't because I keep waking up from this bizarre dream I keep having. Can you please help me?"

"Ok, let's start by having you describe the dream," replies the shrink.

"Well, first I dream that I am a teepee, then I dream I am a wigwam," the man says. "Can you help me figure out my problem?"

The doctor smiles reassuringly and responds, "I know what your problem is. You're two tents."

[baccyman]

While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Phil Parker, what would you do in a case like this?"

He pondered for a second and answered, "I guess I'd limp, too."

[baccyman]

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

[baccyman]

For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again?!"

[scribblec]

Originally posted by baccy_man@21 April 2004 - 18:39
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

"My husband quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.

"Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
i dont get :blink:

[tesco]

Originally posted by scribblec+2 May 2004 - 18:49--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (scribblec @ 2 May 2004 - 18:49)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@21 April 2004 - 18:39
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn&#39;t gone too far when my husband&#39;s mule stumbled.

"My husband quietly said, &#39;That&#39;s once.&#39;

"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.

"Once more my husband quietly said, &#39;That&#39;s twice.&#39;

"We hadn&#39;t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said &#39;That&#39;s once.&#39;"
i dont get :blink: [/b][/quote]
as in, hell do the same to her after her third screw up...

[destroyerofevil]

Wow dude change the topic name. This aint a BIT of a laugh :) :lol:

[baccyman]

Image Resized
[img]http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert012.jpg' width='200' height='120' border='0' alt='click for full size view'> ('http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert012.jpg')

this will be my last post for a couple of weeks because i am going on holiday

[tesco]

Originally posted by baccy_man@3 May 2004 - 13:23
Image Resized
Image Resized
[img]http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert012.jpg' width='200' height='120' border='0' alt='click for full size view'> (http://www.myimgs.com/data/baccyman/honest_advert012.jpg)

this will be my last post for a couple of weeks because i am going on holiday
:(

have a good time&#33;

[cpt_azad]

keep this thread alive till baccy comes back B)

[cpt_azad]

why is the blonde girl&#39;s bellybutton sore?

because her boyfriend is also a blonde :lol: :ph34r:

[ziggyjuarez]

Originally posted by cpt_azad@17 May 2004 - 08:38
why is the blonde girl&#39;s bellybutton sore?

because her boyfriend is also a blonde :lol: :ph34r:
i dont get it

[tesco]

Originally posted by cpt_azad@17 May 2004 - 03:38
why is the blonde girl&#39;s bellybutton sore?

because her boyfriend is also a blonde :lol: :ph34r:
:lol:

[tesco]

One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "30 bucks"

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that plaid one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you &#036;250"

The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and your thermous flask for &#036;250&#33;"

[tesco]

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don&#39;t you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I&#39;d go at night&#33;"

[tesco]

This blonde called 911, screaming "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

The dispatch said "Mam, please calm down. I need to get some information from you".

Again the blonde yelled "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

The dispatch said "Mam calm down, How do we get to your house?".

The blonde replied "Duh... In the big red truck".

[tesco]

There was a Blonde and her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She&#39;s determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn&#39;t dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

[cpt_azad]

Originally posted by ROSSCO_2004@17 May 2004 - 18:39
There was a Blonde and her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She&#39;s determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn&#39;t dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."
lol that&#39;s funny :lol:

[cpt_azad]

Why are there no ice cubes in a blonde&#39;s fridge?














:lol: keep scrolling



















































she forgot the recipe :lol:

[cpt_azad]

Q: how does a blond like her eggs in the morning?
A: fertilized :lol: :01:


Q: did you hear about the blonde man that locked his keys in his car?
A: took him an hour to get his family out w/ a coat hanger.

Q: what&#39;s the good thing about being married to a blonde?
A: you can park in handicap spaces

Q: why did the blonde get fired from the m&m factory?
A: she kept throwing away all the "w&#39;s"

:lol: :blink: k, those weren&#39;t the greatest jokes but i&#39;m trying here, enough wit blonde jokes, someone post some good stuff, i&#39;m gonna go on a hunt now for some good jokes B)

[baccyman]

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."



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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
____________________________________________________________________

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to a place the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment as he and his father stood looking at the seagull. Finally the son said, "Why did God throw him back down?"



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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can&#39;t explain."

"So what happened that&#39;s so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that&#39;s not so bad."

"Some things you just can&#39;t explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can&#39;t explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can&#39;t explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn&#39;t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can&#39;t explain."

[baccyman]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you&#39;re upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."



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A farmer and his son were working hard on his barn when a city boy stopped to ask for directions. After helping the lost driver, the farmer went back to jacking up the small barn while putting blocks of wood under each corner.
The city boy just had to ask, "What are you doing?"

"Well," said the farmer, "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the barn each time he goes through the door and I just can&#39;t have that."

"Why don&#39;t you just dig a little ditch that goes under the doorway?"

The farmer said, "Thanks, I&#39;ll think about it" and the driver pulled away. As the car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his son, "Dumb city slicker. The mule keeps scraping his ears, not his feet&#33;"



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A clergyman, walking down a country road, sees a young farmer struggling to right a wagon that was tipped upside down.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don&#39;t you rest a moment, and I&#39;ll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn&#39;t like it."

"Don&#39;t be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I&#39;ll give him a piece of my mind&#33;"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "He&#39;s under the wagon."

[baccyman]

Most people don&#39;t know that back in 1912, Hellmann&#39;s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico....But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York.... The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost....The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th....and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo....



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A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "it&#39;s that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

[baccyman]

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don&#39;t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn&#39;t go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


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Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the window, examined it more carefully and then proclaimed, "Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It&#39;s not black&#33;"
"Trust me," said Marcus, "its black&#33;"

"Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?" asked Julius.

"To tell you the truth," said Irving, "I can’t really tell from this light if it&#39;s blue or black."

They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street kept examining each other&#39;s suit to see if they were blue or black. Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and this way they could be sure.

Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and visited with the mother superior to discuss their day in the city.

"A very strange thing occurred." reported one of the nuns. "Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin&#33;"

"Latin?" exclaimed mother superior. "Jewish men don&#39;t speak Latin; they speak Hebrew&#33;"

"No." said the other nun. "It was definitely Latin&#33;"

"Well, what did they say exactly?" asked the mother superior.

"I&#39;m not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase: "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus&#33;"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@12 June 2004 - 20:03
(...)
"I&#39;m not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase: "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus&#33;"
:huh: :blink: :lol:

[tesco]

we lost a lot of very valuable jokes :( i haven&#39;t looked here in a while, so i didn&#39;t get to see them :(

[cpt_azad]

Originally posted by ROSSCO_2004@12 June 2004 - 18:47
we lost a lot of very valuable jokes :( i haven&#39;t looked here in a while, so i didn&#39;t get to see them :(
:( i know, that sucks :angry: :(

[baccyman]

i can post some of them agian if you would like there is about a month&#39;s worth of jokes that are missing.

[Voetsek]

Joke are funny ha ha ha ha

[baccyman]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?"
She hit me.



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Grampa and Grandma were sitting a the table. Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
He says, "What was that for?"

Grandma says, "That&#39;s for 50 years of bad sex."

Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma upside the head.

She says, "Now what&#39;s that for?"

He says, "That&#39;s for knowing the difference&#33;"



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An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

[jetje]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
good ones
:)

[cpt_azad]

The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street

lmao :lol: keep em coming :)

[baccyman]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can&#39;t even get into my own pants.


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I got a sweater for Christmas.
I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.


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A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun&#33;"-


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Everybody knows that no matter how much you&#39;re in love when you get married, at one point or another the honeymoon is over. That&#39;s when the excuses start. I&#39;ve used them, you&#39;ve used them and believe it or not, my wife has used them. Following is a top ten list of some of the best excuses to get out of having sex with your significant other.
10. I&#39;d love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We&#39;re out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven&#39;t shaved in so long I&#39;m afraid I&#39;d feel I was making love to Big Foot.

7. You&#39;re 20 bucks short.

6. We&#39;re out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn&#39;t a conjugal visit.

3. I can&#39;t tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching all those pornos.

2. Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.

And the number 1 excuse to not have sex with your wife:

1. Your gynecologist just called - you still have crabs and you know how I don&#39;t like seafood.

[baccyman]

A young man was in the backyard fooling around with his new girlfriend on a very dark night.
After a short time, he offered to go down on her.... and she gladly dropped her knickers.

About 20 minutes later, he looked up at her with his glazed face and said, "I really like you a lot, but you have the hairiest crotch I&#39;ve ever eaten&#33;"

"I&#39;m not surprised that you feel that way," she said. "You&#39;ve been eating the lawn for the last five minutes&#33;"



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A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter&#39;s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog&#39;s collar and to the cat&#39;s testicles.

"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don&#39;t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat&#39;s collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You&#39;re probably right, but... then I wouldn&#39;t have a siren.

[baccyman]

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 98 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?" The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it" "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again......
Lemme see.... "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup..."



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Jenny&#39;s husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman&#39;s work&#33;
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something&#39;s up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into the dentist&#39;s office and after the examination the dentist says, "that tooth has to come out. I&#39;m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I&#39;ll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the doc&#39;s arm, "No way. I hate needles I&#39;m not having any shot&#33;"

So the dentist says, "okay, we&#39;ll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I&#39;m not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth&#33;"

[100%]

Who posted in: A Bit Of A Laugh
Poster Posts
baccy_man 441
Autumn Fox 24
ROSSCO_2004 12
cpt_azad 10
scribblec 4
ashutosh_cool16 4
zinc1 3
Bowen747x 3
bujub22 3
barbarossa 2
Mat_At_Home 2
Rip The Jacker 2
j4y3m 2
vivitron 15 2
Aurora 1
Prince of Darkness 1
Wolfmight 1
Voetsek 1
PauDoce 1
Infested Cats 1
sir waffle 1
teju2k 1
Rotten_Apple 1
ziggyjuarez 1
Mr. Elmo 1
Homme 1
jetje 1
twister203 1
test2speed 1
RGX 1
free2bp2p 1
danyj 1
h121589 1
destroyerofevil 1
FuNkY CaPrIcOrN 1
Neo 721 1
spazola 1
Fruden 1
dark_shadow_133 1
[B][O][T] 1
Dray_04 1
virusgenerator 1
solarmax 1
Radical0822 1

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by Zedaxax@17 June 2004 - 13:59
Who posted in: A Bit Of A Laugh
Poster Posts
baccy_man 441
Autumn Fox 24
ROSSCO_2004 12
cpt_azad 10
scribblec 4
ashutosh_cool16 4
zinc1 3
Bowen747x 3
bujub22 3
barbarossa 2
Mat_At_Home 2
Rip The Jacker 2
j4y3m 2
vivitron 15 2
Aurora 1
Prince of Darkness 1
Wolfmight 1
Voetsek 1
PauDoce 1
Infested Cats 1
sir waffle 1
teju2k 1
Rotten_Apple 1
ziggyjuarez 1
Mr. Elmo 1
Homme 1
jetje 1
twister203 1
test2speed 1
RGX 1
free2bp2p 1
danyj 1
h121589 1
destroyerofevil 1
FuNkY CaPrIcOrN 1
Neo 721 1
spazola 1
Fruden 1
dark_shadow_133 1
[B][O][T] 1
Dray_04 1
virusgenerator 1
solarmax 1
Radical0822 1
:huh:

[baccyman]

Originally posted by Zedaxax@17 June 2004 - 14:59
Who posted in: A Bit Of A Laugh
Poster Posts
baccy_man 441
Autumn Fox 24
ROSSCO_2004 12
cpt_azad 10
scribblec 4
ashutosh_cool16 4
zinc1 3
Bowen747x 3
bujub22 3
barbarossa 2
Mat_At_Home 2
Rip The Jacker 2
j4y3m 2
vivitron 15 2
Aurora 1
Prince of Darkness 1
Wolfmight 1
Voetsek 1
PauDoce 1
Infested Cats 1
sir waffle 1
teju2k 1
Rotten_Apple 1
ziggyjuarez 1
Mr. Elmo 1
Homme 1
jetje 1
twister203 1
test2speed 1
RGX 1
free2bp2p 1
danyj 1
h121589 1
destroyerofevil 1
FuNkY CaPrIcOrN 1
Neo 721 1
spazola 1
Fruden 1
dark_shadow_133 1
[B][O][T] 1
Dray_04 1
virusgenerator 1
solarmax 1
Radical0822 1
you forgot yourself :rolleyes:

[tesco]

Originally posted by Zedaxax@17 June 2004 - 08:59
Who posted in: A Bit Of A Laugh
Poster Posts
baccy_man 441
Autumn Fox 24
ROSSCO_2004 12
cpt_azad 10
scribblec 4
ashutosh_cool16 4
zinc1 3
Bowen747x 3
bujub22 3
barbarossa 2
Mat_At_Home 2
Rip The Jacker 2
j4y3m 2
vivitron 15 2
Aurora 1
Prince of Darkness 1
Wolfmight 1
Voetsek 1
PauDoce 1
Infested Cats 1
sir waffle 1
teju2k 1
Rotten_Apple 1
ziggyjuarez 1
Mr. Elmo 1
Homme 1
jetje 1
twister203 1
test2speed 1
RGX 1
free2bp2p 1
danyj 1
h121589 1
destroyerofevil 1
FuNkY CaPrIcOrN 1
Neo 721 1
spazola 1
Fruden 1
dark_shadow_133 1
[B][O][T] 1
Dray_04 1
virusgenerator 1
solarmax 1
Radical0822 1
Did you actually go through the list and count how many times each person posted? or is their something u click to sort them or something lol.?

[100%]

Click on the XXXnumber of Replies on the front page to the right of the topic

in this case 537 or something

[tesco]

baccy_man 442
Autumn Fox 25
ROSSCO_2004 13
cpt_azad 10
scribblec 4
ashutosh_cool16 4
zinc1 3
Bowen747x 3
bujub22 3
barbarossa 2
Rip The Jacker 2
Mat_At_Home 2
vivitron 15 2
j4y3m 2
Zedaxax 2
Fruden 1
dark_shadow_133 1
[B][O][T] 1
Dray_04 1
virusgenerator 1
solarmax 1
Radical0822 1
Infested Cats 1
Aurora 1
Prince of Darkness 1
Wolfmight 1
Voetsek 1
PauDoce 1
sir waffle 1
teju2k 1
Rotten_Apple 1
ziggyjuarez 1
jetje 1
Mr. Elmo 1
Homme 1
FuNkY CaPrIcOrN 1
twister203 1
test2speed 1
RGX 1
free2bp2p 1
danyj 1
h121589 1
destroyerofevil 1
Neo 721 1
spazola 1

:D Thanks.

[baccyman]

Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married. The wedding night was just as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing.
She said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that I&#39;m a golf fiend. I play golf every day, I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me."

Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that&#39;s all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I&#39;m a hooker."

Jack said, "Oh sweetheart that&#39;s nothing - don&#39;t worry about that for a minute&#33; It&#39;s easily corrected by holding the golf club like this..."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn&#39;t get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald&#39;s. And McDonald&#39;s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"

And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry&#39;s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You&#39;re running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man&#39;s health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn&#39;t help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn&#39;t help her, either.

[baccyman]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven&#39;t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I&#39;ve changed my will five times&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"Yes, I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can&#39;t swim."

[ashutosh_cool16]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave&#33; How ya doin&#39;?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he&#39;s been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He&#39;s on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he&#39;d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She&#39;s in the Ladies&#39; Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave&#39;s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave. .

[99shassan]

I can&#39;t believe this post is still alive.

[baccyman]

Originally posted by 99shassan@19 June 2004 - 19:25
I can&#39;t believe this post is still alive.
why not

[scribblec]

Originally posted by 99shassan@19 June 2004 - 18:25
I can&#39;t believe this post is still alive.
why are u surprised?


this is the best post on this board .... better then your usual rubbish

[ashutosh_cool16]

News from the world - on SEX LIFE

Sex Life (http://www.ananova.com/news/lp.html?keywords=Sex+life&menu=news.quirkies.sexlife)

Check out the earlier stories too&#33;
I was laughing for 2 hours continously&#33;&#33;&#33; :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

Originally posted by scribblec+19 June 2004 - 22:03--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (scribblec @ 19 June 2004 - 22:03)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-99shassan@19 June 2004 - 18:25
I can&#39;t believe this post is still alive.
why are u surprised?


this is the best post on this board .... better then your usual rubbish [/b][/quote]
thanks for your support


Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn&#39;t know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one &#036;5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much."

The third one takes the &#036;5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the &#036;5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

[RGX]

Originally posted by baccy_man+20 June 2004 - 11:48--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (baccy_man @ 20 June 2004 - 11:48)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>
Originally posted by scribblec@19 June 2004 - 22:03
<!--QuoteBegin-99shassan@19 June 2004 - 18:25
I can&#39;t believe this post is still alive.
why are u surprised?


this is the best post on this board .... better then your usual rubbish



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn&#39;t know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one &#036;5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much."

The third one takes the &#036;5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the &#036;5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits. [/b][/quote]
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:









































:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[99shassan]

stfu man. I ain&#39;t complaining, I am just saying that because I remember this thread starting ages ago. No need to fucking chat to me like that

[baccyman]

Originally posted by 99shassan@20 June 2004 - 15:53
stfu man. I ain&#39;t complaining, I am just saying that because I remember this thread starting ages ago. No need to fucking chat to me like that
who are you talking to when you say stfu man
and talking like what i have not seen any bad mouthing

[99shassan]

I aint talking to you. I wasn&#39;t fucking bad mouthing you or this post. All I said was that I was suprised that this post lived on for so long. That doesn&#39;t mean that I am bad mouthing it. Most posts move on and we forget after a while, other than this one and a few others.

By the way

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.



:lol:

[baccyman]

i have been keeping this post going because i know a lot of people like to read the jokes . some people might reply some might not. but i know when i went on holiday/vacation . people wanted the jokes. so i have kept it alive.

[baccyman]

An old man, walking down the street, saw a small boy sitting on the curb crying. He stopped and asked, "Little boy, why are you crying?"
The little boy said, "I’m crying because I can’t do what the big boys do."

So the old man sat down alongside of him and cried, too.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD IS TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself, with one hand.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."

And the number one sign your child is too old to breastfeed:

1. Beard abrasions on areola.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

[scribblec]

Originally posted by 99shassan@20 June 2004 - 14:53
stfu man. I ain&#39;t complaining, I am just saying that because I remember this thread starting ages ago. No need to fucking chat to me like that
the way u said OMG this post is still alive was like your dissing it ....


read the way u said it then u will understand.


saying stfu repeatidly has no affect what so ever so stop using it

this post is kept alive because its GOOD nothing shocking there and if u dont like that then you can stfu :)



btw keep up the good work baccy ;)

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@21 June 2004 - 09:39
(...)
So the old man sat down alongside of him and cried, too.
(...)
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD IS TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING
(...)
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
:lol: :lol: Nice ones :01:

[baccyman]

A man playing golf by himself hits a hole in one on the fifth hole, and out pops a genie to offer him one wish. “That’s easy,” he says. “I wish I had a bigger dick.” “It will be so,” says the genie, who then disappears. The guy’s johnson grows longer as he continues playing, until by the 11th hole it’s hanging out of his pants leg. He gets another hole in one, and again the genie appears to offer him a wish. “I keep tripping over my dick, and it’s really annoying,” says the man. “So what is your wish, master?” asks the genie. “I want longer legs.”

[baccyman]

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and Shithead&#39;s.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you&#39;re in bed with a relative.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he&#39;s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago&#33;"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie&#39;s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie&#39;s room and goes across the hall into Bob&#39;s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?&#33;"

Bob says, "I&#39;m f**king Charlie&#39;s wife while he&#39;s in Chicago."

[baccyman]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don&#39;t know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You&#39;re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I&#39;m still lost. Frankly, you&#39;ve not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don&#39;t know where you are or where you&#39;re going. You&#39;ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You&#39;re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it&#39;s my fault."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.
He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don&#39;t know, I&#39;m only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."

He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don&#39;t understand it; my maid said to use hot water."

[baccyman]

A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You’re lying&#33;" he shouted.
"Of course I’m lying," the other said, "but hear me out."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

[baccyman]

Bobby and Judy are getting ready for bed. Judy is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I&#39;ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

Bobby studies her intently for a moment, thinking about how to respond, then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "well, there&#39;s nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Bobby will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 in St. Paul&#39;s Memorial Chapel.

Female friends of the family are invited.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunk’s ass.
A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what they’re doing. "What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass?" yells the cop.

"I&#39;m trying to make him puke&#33;" says the drunk.

"Well, you won&#39;t make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass&#33;" the cop says.

"I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk

[baccyman]

My neighbor&#39;s foxy 20 year-old daughter is home from school and I&#39;ve been feeling a bit dirty for looking at her. She prances around scantily clad chasing her dogs around the yard with youthful exuberance ----------- I just can&#39;t take it&#33; She should dress more conservatively&#33; She should stop dolling herself up&#33; She should stay inside&#33;
Or maybe I should just put my binoculars away.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.

The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way???"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

[baccyman]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn&#39;t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth &#036;50,000 . . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Figpot was teaching her class math. She asked, "Johnny, if your father earned &#036;100 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?"
Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack&#33;?"

[baccyman]

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I&#39;ll show you a man who can&#39;t get his pants off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices something unusual.
He says, "How&#39;d you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man came oozing out. He said that he was the Genie and he can grant me a wish. And I said, &#39;C&#39;mon, no shit.&#39;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor&#39;s office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I&#39;m afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I&#39;m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked &#39;NO REFILLS&#39;."

[baccyman]

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"



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O&#39;Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O&#39;Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O&#39;Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That&#39;s how I lost all of my other suitors."



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A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don&#39;t know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove back to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn&#39;t know how to get to Des Moines either."

[baccyman]

The Polish couple&#39;s sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don&#39;t you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited.

"You should see the flavors they have&#33;" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana. So many they had&#33;"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna."



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Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let&#39;s go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can&#39;t go in there. We&#39;ve got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don&#39;t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they&#39;re using them now. They&#39;re very good."

The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he&#39;d try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don&#39;t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?&#33;? A Chihuahua?&#33;? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??"

[baccyman]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it&#39;s tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we&#39;d like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It&#39;s immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can&#39;t even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It&#39;s forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about s&#39;ex? Can we finally have s&#39;ex?"

"Of course&#33;" replies the rabbi. "S&#39;ex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children&#33;"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It&#39;s a mitzvah&#33;"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it&#33; It&#39;s a mitzvah&#33;"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes&#33; A mitzvah&#33;"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It&#39;s all a mitzvah&#33;"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO&#33;" cries the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that&#39;s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you&#39;ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That&#39;s really good. I&#39;m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That&#39;s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That&#39;s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I&#39;ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You&#39;ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it&#39;s like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, &#39;Goats&#39;&#33;"

[baccyman]

TWENTY SPECIAL &#39;SOUTHERNISMS&#39;
1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don&#39;t "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess" (as in "a mess" of greens).

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly. (generally pronounced dreckly)

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who&#39;s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor&#39;s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin&#39;)

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far (pronounced "fur")piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol&#39; boy, and po&#39; white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin&#39;" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. (As in, I was fixin to go over to BettyLou&#39;s. Or, we had a huge Christmas dinner with all the fixins.
Or Are you fixin my car next?)

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol&#39; booger," a first name, or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don&#39;t do "queues", we do "lines," and when we&#39;re IN, not ON, line we talk to everybody&#33;

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they&#39;re related, even if only by marriage.

15. True Southerners never refer to only one person as "y&#39;all"... more than three is way more than one, it&#39;s "all y&#39;all".

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food We recognize milk gravy when we see it, know what to do with it and wonder what the heck you other people eat on your biscuits.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin&#39;," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner&#33;

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates it contains sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened "Sweet milk" means you don&#39;t want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don&#39;t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

[BigDaddy555]

:lol:

[baccyman]

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help. Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?” “No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

[cpt_azad]

“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”


LMFAO :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Saturday, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American&#39;s income by &#036;40,000 a year. Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced.
Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate a headdress and a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle.

After Kerry left, tribal officials explained to remaining media reps that Running Eagle is a bird so full of crap it can&#39;t fly&#33;

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@6 July 2004 - 19:34
(...)tribal officials explained to remaining media reps that Running Eagle is a bird so full of crap it can&#39;t fly&#33;
:lol:

[baccyman]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen&#33;
"I&#39;m sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can&#39;t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man&#39;s schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won&#39;t believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my god&#33;" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local whore house.
He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately.

As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima&#33; Wasukima&#33;" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted, "Wasukima&#33;"

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting &#39;wrong hole&#39;?"

[baccyman]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That&#39;s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, &#39;Oh baby, I&#39;m going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.&#39; "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that&#39;s exactly what you said. So, now it&#39;s 50 years later, and I&#39;m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I&#39;m Mr. Sugarbrown&#39;s daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I&#39;m Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren&#39;t you Mr. Sugarbrown&#39;s daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I&#39;m not."

[Donnie Darko]

Originally posted by baccy_man@8 July 2004 - 20:24
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That&#39;s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, &#39;Oh baby, I&#39;m going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.&#39; "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that&#39;s exactly what you said. So, now it&#39;s 50 years later, and I&#39;m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I&#39;m Mr. Sugarbrown&#39;s daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I&#39;m Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren&#39;t you Mr. Sugarbrown&#39;s daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I&#39;m not."
LOL

[baccyman]

“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.
“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I recently got a new phone and it came with 3 way conference call capabilities. I wanted to speak to two of my friends at the same time but I just couldn&#39;t figure out how to accomplish that. I called one of them and asked her how this three way thing worked.
She replied back with, "Well, you have one guy in your front, one guy in the back and the other guy in your mouth."

[baccyman]

My wife and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of us willing to give in. Finally, she looked at me and said: "I only have one thing left to say, Loraina Bobbett only got six months&#33;"
I stared at her, thinking for a few seconds, then replied: "Yeah? Well O.J. got off scott free&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest&#39;s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Hallelujah "Good Lord&#33; He&#39;s done it



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which shereplied, "There certainly is My stupid computer keeps saying, &#39;YOU&#39;VE GOT MAIL&#39;&#33;&#33;&#33;"

[baccyman]

There are a lot of folks who can&#39;t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA
Well, there&#39;s a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn&#39;t know that we were getting low.The reason for this is purely geographical...... All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, etc.,

All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC&#33;



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there&#39;s been very limited experience handling meat.
---Allen Lindsey



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Big Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their linens. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said, "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."

[baccyman]

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked at each of the birds&#39; legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor&#39;s desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test&#33;" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I&#39;ve ever seen&#33;" With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what&#39;s your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof&#33; You tell me&#33;"



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An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte&#39;s Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him.
"You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"

"Ain&#39;t this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain&#39;t this where you got forty-five girls ready-n-able?"

The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"

"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get some action."

"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.

"Ninety-two," he replied.

"Ninety-two? Pop, you&#39;ve HAD it&#33;"

"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

[baccyman]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table --
&#39;Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you.&#39; So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table - eating. Marty asks, &#39;Son what happened last night?&#39; His son says, &#39;Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.&#39;

Confused, Marty asks, &#39;So why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?&#39; His son replies, &#39;Oh that&#33; Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, &#39;Lady leave me alone, I&#39;m married.&#39;

A Self-Induced Hangover: &#036;100.00
Broken Furniture: &#036;200.00
Breakfast: &#036; 10.00
Saying the right thing: Priceless



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian&#39;s head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I&#39;ll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I&#39;m busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I&#39;m busy. There&#39;s a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh... my... Gosh... we&#39;re going to be millionaires&#33;"

[baccyman]

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn&#39;t have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I&#39;ll be damned if that gynecologist didn&#39;t stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house&#33;&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone, little girl?"

"Because," said the child with great exasperation, "I&#39;m the f**king goalie."

[cpt_azad]

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone, little girl?"

"Because," said the child with great exasperation, "I&#39;m the f**king goalie."

LMFAO :lol: :lol: sounds like a dumb blonde joke :lol:

[sampson]

A golfer walks up to the next tee with several scratches and a decent amount of blood of his face. After several whispers, one man in the galley asked "what happened to you?" The golfer then stated, "I blew an eagle on the last hole."

[baccyman]

A woman&#39;s husband dies. He has only &#036;20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had &#036;20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me &#036;6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another &#036;2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "&#036;12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?" three carats


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Mint Flavored........
Birth Control Pill
The Cadbury&#39;s Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart&#39;s Pharmacies.

They&#39;re going to be called....

"Pre-dick-a-mints."

[baccyman]

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I’ve decided to give your wife &#036;775 a week."
"That’s very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named &#39;Wilbur Wright&#39;, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this, .... and, on and on, .... where have you been?"

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, .... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband&#39;s client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband&#39;s rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet."They&#39;re not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don&#39;t you ever stop&#33;?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.
He&#39;s always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers &#036;50.

The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for &#036;1,500.When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

[Barbarossa]

Originally posted by baccy_man@16 July 2004 - 10:43
A woman&#39;s husband dies. He has only &#036;20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had &#036;20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me &#036;6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another &#036;2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "&#036;12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

eh? :blink:

[manker]

Originally posted by barbarossa+16 July 2004 - 11:48--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (barbarossa @ 16 July 2004 - 11:48)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@16 July 2004 - 10:43
A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

eh? :blink: [/b][/quote]
I have a feeling the missing punchline to the joke is:

"Three carats"


:lol:

[cpt_azad]

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

LMFAO :lol: keep em comin man these are great :) :01:

[baccyman]

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots&#39; uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they&#39;re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they&#39;re going to scream too late, and we&#39;re all gonna die. . ."

[cpt_azad]

lmao :lol:

[Monkeee]

Originally posted by baccy_man@19 July 2004 - 20:56
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots&#39; uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they&#39;re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they&#39;re going to scream too late, and we&#39;re all gonna die. . ."
nice one :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here&#39;s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you&#39;ve got to let me get up. I&#39;m two miles past my stop already."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average&#33; "Great," he told her, "I think you&#39;re really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, she&#39;s still at the average, and I don&#39;t want to discourage her. I&#39;ll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What&#39;s keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

______________________________________________________

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

"And I&#39;ll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that %#@*&^ smirk off your face."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it&#39;s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure,... if I have to roll my own, so does she&#33;"

______________________________________________________

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview&#33;) and realized he wouldn&#39;t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job&#33; He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?"

The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.

"Wait a minute," the first man said, "that&#39;s not what you asked for."

The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

_____________________________________________________

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn&#39;t seen his thing in 15 years".

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don&#39;t you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said,

"Dye it? What color is it now?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I&#39;m sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you&#39;ve got? Bird imitations?"

[baccyman]

http://img75.photobucket.com/albums/v229/baccyman/image001.jpg

a picture from iraq

[baccyman]

KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things were not going well that Sunday...
The young minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

To further complicate things, he found out that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minuteThe substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Well, here&#39;s a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you&#39;ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.

"After the choir&#39;s anthem, the minister came to the pulpit and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we face a great challenge today... The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need &#036;4,000 more. Now, any of you who can pledge &#036;100 or more, please stand up.

"At precisely that moment, the quick thinking substitute organist played a stirring rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner&#33;"

And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@23 July 2004 - 18:20
KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before"
(...)
I don&#39;t get it. :(

[ilw]

digits as in fingers or if its the y2k thing you didn&#39;t understand, the main y2k bug was that computers with only 2 digits storing the year eg 1999 -> 99 would think that 2000 -> 00 was before 99 and do all sorts of stupid things

[baccyman]

Corporal Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn&#39;t long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporel Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones&#39; sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay &#036;250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don&#39;t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of &#036;6,000.

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him &#036;500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya&#39; got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars&#33;"

"That&#39;s a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour&#33;" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That&#39;s a pretty nice car, all right... but I&#39;ll stick with my moped&#33;"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph&#33; Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer&#33; He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly whoooooosssshhhhh&#33; Something whips by him, going much faster&#33;

What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it&#39;s the old man on the moped&#33; Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh&#33; He&#39;s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again&#33; Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again&#33; The Ferrari is flat out, and there&#39;s nothing he can do&#33; Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my God&#33; Are you OK? Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers... "Unhook...my...suspenders...from... your.... side view mirror."

[baccyman]

The college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

Good God, I&#39;m pregnant, I wonder who did it.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line &#39;Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.&#39;"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he&#39;s practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming&#33; "You bloody fool&#33;" he cried, "You have ruined me&#33;"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" He asked.

"No&#33;" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose&#33;

[baccyman]

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he&#39;d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry.

So finally, a second customer asked why didn&#39;t they just throw out the pest. "Oh I don&#39;t care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don&#39;t even have an air conditioner."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it&#39;s sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex. The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn&#39;t really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain&#39;t Billy Ray, it&#39;s not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by ilw@23 July 2004 - 20:23
digits as in fingers or if its the y2k thing you didn&#39;t understand, the main y2k bug was that computers with only 2 digits storing the year eg 1999 -> 99 would think that 2000 -> 00 was before 99 and do all sorts of stupid things
Y2K isn&#39;t a problem, i remember it well. I don&#39;t get what a jelly has to do with fingers.

[Loomis]

KY Jelly is a water-based lubricant for use during intercourse and related sexual activities.

This information, combined with your prior knowledge of digits=fingers, and the Y2K-issue, should lead you to a satisfying chuckle. ;)



:P I&#39;m not trying to be a tosser, I just wish I could reply like JPaul sometimes...
Damn him and his witty retorts&#33;&#33;


Edit: Punctuation error

[Autumn Fox]

Jelly ? You use jelly for it ? And there are so many hungry people around the world (1 die of starvation each 8 seconds) :P

But, yeah, i get it. :rolleyes:

[tesco]

keep this thread alive. :01:

full of SO many useful jokes. :)

[baccyman]

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed her ex-husband at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That&#39;s silly, no one celebrates that much."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, “How do you prepare your chickens?
The waiter replies, “Nothing special. We just tell’em they’re gonna die.”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his penis, his partner&#39;s toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.

Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don&#39;t?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower&#33;"

[baccyman]

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an accident.
First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive."

Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us."

Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other.

Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn&#39;t believe in that."

To which the Rabbi responds, "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Henry loses &#036;500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Ernie looks around and asks, "So, who&#39;s gonna&#39; tell his wife?" They draw straws. Joe picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don&#39;t make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I&#39;m the most discreet person you&#39;ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Joe goes over to Henry&#39;s apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Joe declares: "Your husband just lost &#036;500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead&#33;" says the wife. "I&#39;ll go tell him." says Joe.

[baccyman]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn&#39;t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I&#39;ll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I&#39;m going to the bar, pretty face. I&#39;m going to have a beer." The wife said "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn&#39;t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn&#39;t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d&#39;oeuvres that are really delicious...I won&#39;t be long, I&#39;ll be right back. I promise. OK?" You want hors d&#39;oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d&#39;oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there&#39;s swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?... ....LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD&#33; DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN&#39;T GOING ANYWHERE&#33; GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@27 July 2004 - 15:41
(...)YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN&#39;T GOING ANYWHERE&#33; GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
:o I ain&#39;t gonna marry noone, nah ha :ph34r: :lol:

[cpt_azad]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+27 July 2004 - 21:50--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 27 July 2004 - 21:50)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@27 July 2004 - 15:41
(...)YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN&#39;T GOING ANYWHERE&#33; GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
:o I ain&#39;t gonna marry noone, nah ha :ph34r: :lol: [/b][/quote]
lol PIMP for life :D

[Autumn Fox]

Better that then:

#1 Her friends invading YOUR home (saying no is fatal)
#2 Waking up besides her and noticing how she really looks before make up (saying anything is fatal; after party it is impossible to as both of you look like shit, if the party really good)
#3 Quarreling is fatal, you loose no matter what, even if you win
#4 Getting home drunk and having lipstick on your whatever is fatal
#5 Getting home late to very late makes her pissed
#6 Forgetting about an aniversery of anything makes her "feel forgoten", "useless" or whatever else to play with our guilt and also makes her point it out whenever she needss it, irrelevant wheter it&#39;s logical in given situation or not
#7 Answering stupid questions (Am i fat ? I dare you to answer this one honestly)
#8 Mather-in-Law, speaks for it self
#9 Look at a babe and she&#39;ll get a aching head for a month or two or a year
#10 And even if she doeasn&#39;t she&#39;ll buy thing to make her look pretty (If you&#39;re not, you&#39;ll never be - live with it) and BOOM you&#39;re flat-ass broke
#11 The killer phrase: I&#39;m pregnant honney and i&#39;m keeping it (you keep it, i beat it)

Got milk ?

[baccyman]

"I&#39;m worried that I&#39;m losing my wife&#39;s love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she&#39;s a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."

"So what&#39;s the problem?"

"Maybe I&#39;m just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I&#39;m sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, &#39;Die&#33; You son of a bitch, die&#33;&#39;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman&#33;" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City.
One has a Cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar with the Star of David. "My poor fellow, don&#39;t you understand? This is a Catholic country&#33; People aren&#39;t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you -- especially when you&#39;re sittingbeside a beggar who has a Cross&#33; In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar turns to the other one with the cross. "Moishe, look who&#39;s here to teach the Levine Brothers about Marketing&#33;"

[cpt_azad]

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman&#33;" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

:lol: :lol: lmao :lol:

[baccyman]

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn&#39;t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this&#33;" he said..."Nelson&#33;"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie&#33;" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she&#39;d say, "Beethoven", she&#39;d get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles&#33;" she&#39;d get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.

"ASSHOLES&#33;" she yelled.......

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the DixieChicks...



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I&#39;d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. "He&#39;s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It&#39;s YOUR child&#33;"

[ziggyjuarez]

Originally posted by baccy_man@29 July 2004 - 12:04
A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn&#39;t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this&#33;" he said..."Nelson&#33;"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie&#33;" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she&#39;d say, "Beethoven", she&#39;d get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles&#33;" she&#39;d get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.

"ASSHOLES&#33;" she yelled.......

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the DixieChicks...

:01: down with france :01:

[baccyman]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.
Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an&#39; made love to your wife, an&#39; she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don&#39;t think so... but it shore would make us even&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. “Now supposing your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you get?
“Oh, a Bulldog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They are always good company&#33;”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone&#39;s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob&#39;s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how&#39;d you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She&#39;s my wife&#33;"

They&#39;re knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how&#39;d you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?"

"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."
____________________________________________________________________

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a young couple was engaged in oral sex.
"Back ladies, back&#33;" cried the leader. "There&#39;s a very dangerous beast out there&#33;"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more or less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that&#39;s it, it&#39;s artificial respiration&#33;"

"WOW&#33;" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I&#39;m gonna try for next&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I&#39;m afraid you&#39;ve misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans. They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
___________________________________________________________________

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

" Robert De Niro



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the prestigious estate auction, bidding was intense and cutthroat. The room was filled with scowling men and women, each determined to exploit any advantage at the expense of another.
Without warning the auctioneer paused the sale and announced,

"A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing &#036;10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of &#036;3,000."

There was a moment&#39;s silence, and then from the crowd came the cry,

"Three thousand five hundred&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he&#39;s in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It&#39;s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling , MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling , MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my &#39;dingaling&#39; so now I&#39;m just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.

[baccyman]

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive.
“No further testing is planned.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you&#39;ve got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the little boy over, "I can&#39;t get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That&#39;s because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin&#39; on that string. It&#39;ll come back to ya&#39;&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman, completely fed up with her husband&#39;s AOL obsession finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super S&#39;ex&#33;"

He ignores her.

So, she repeatedly yells, "Super S&#39;ex&#33; Super S&#39;ex&#33; Super S&#39;ex&#33;"

Finally he replies, "Ok, I&#39;ll take the soup."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy style."
"Doggy style? Did she go for it?"

"I&#39;ll say. I sat up and begged while she rolled over and played dead."

[baccyman]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn&#39;t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I&#39;m a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me&#33;" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can&#39;t see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can&#39;t you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I&#39;m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I&#39;d be a great companion." The guy looks at the &#036;200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can&#39;t afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I&#39;m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don&#39;t have any feet. You can probably get me for &#036;20, just make the guy an offer&#33;" The guy offers &#036;20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he&#39;s interesting, he&#39;s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he&#39;s insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don&#39;t know if I should tell you this or not, but it&#39;s about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "Oh No&#33;," he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...." "WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch&#33;"

[baccyman]

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster&#33;" the society matron protested. "Can&#39;t you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs?
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I&#39;ll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C&#39;est magnifique&#33;", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day&#39;s that he&#39;d once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu&#33; Ze woman she is dead&#33;" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston&#39;s field making love."

The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L&#39;amour&#33; Zis is OK."

"Mais non&#33; You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead&#33;"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri&#39;s story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre&#33; This is Jean, I was in Gaston&#39;s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex&#33;"

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it&#39;s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L&#39;amour&#33; Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead&#33;"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu&#33;" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston&#39;s field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British&#33;"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@4 August 2004 - 13:44
(...) Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British&#33;"
:lol: :lol: :lol: Man, remind me never to go to UK :P

[cpt_azad]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+4 August 2004 - 05:56--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 4 August 2004 - 05:56)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@4 August 2004 - 13:44
(...) Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British&#33;"
:lol: :lol: :lol: Man, remind me never to go to UK :P [/b][/quote]
lmfao :lol: :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . .and virile . . . young men."
The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A big, burly man visited the pastor&#39;s home and asked to see the minister&#39;s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to &#036;800."

"How terrible&#33;" exclaimed the preacher’s wife. "May I ask who you are?"

the sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I&#39;m the landlord," he sobbed.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@6 August 2004 - 11:55
(...)"I&#39;m the landlord," he sobbed.
:lol: Ain&#39;t he a nice fella :lol:

[baccyman]

all heart :D :D :D

[baccyman]

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours’ sleep a night.
Finally, the patient asked: "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don’t want you to get too excited."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you&#39;re speaking to me."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?" "Haven&#39;t you noticed I haven&#39;t spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

[cpt_azad]

hahaha lmao :lol:

[baccyman]

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in the office has it.
Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on. After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than gentiles?"
The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn&#39;t want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.

The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi &#036;1,000 if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can&#39;t answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him &#036;1,000 if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can&#39;t answer.

The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has &#036;50 on him to prepare for Shabbat. The Priest says fine then we&#39;ll make it my &#036;1,000 against your &#036;50. The Rabbi sees that he can&#39;t get out of this so he agrees but on one condition; that he goes first.

The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: What kind of animal has the body of a lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on it&#39;s front legs and 5 webbed toes on it&#39;s rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?

The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn&#39;t know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands over to the Rabbi &#036;1,000.

He then asks the Rabbi what kind of animal was it?

The Rabbi says "how should I know"? and gives him &#036;50.00

[Keikan]

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone&#39;s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob&#39;s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how&#39;d you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She&#39;s my wife&#33;"

They&#39;re knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how&#39;d you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?"

"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."

??????????????????????????????????????

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by Keikan@10 August 2004 - 08:28

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone&#39;s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob&#39;s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how&#39;d you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She&#39;s my wife&#33;"

They&#39;re knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how&#39;d you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are only 50?"

"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."

??????????????????????????????????????
She thinks that he&#39;s gonna die soon (As a wife she would take his fortune) Get it ? :lol:

[baccyman]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow&#33;, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I&#39;ve just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I&#39;ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too&#33;"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez&#33; Doesn&#39;t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[Keikan]

The bartender says "Geez&#33; Doesn&#39;t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."


I had a simuliar situation <_<

[baccyman]

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn&#39;t keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and had a commitment ceremony with him. He was so ambitious that he left me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE PENIS STUDY
In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and &#036;180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own study. After &#036;250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Mississippi, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around &#036;75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man&#39;s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by Keikan@10 August 2004 - 14:49

The bartender says "Geez&#33; Doesn&#39;t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."


I had a simuliar situation <_<
I&#39;d love it. 2 women in the sack :D . Then i could die happy :ghostface:

[cpt_azad]

After 2 weeks and a cost of around &#036;75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man&#39;s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.




:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

A man called his boss one morning and said, "I can&#39;t make it to work today. I am sick."
The boss asked, "What&#39;s wrong?"

The employee replied, "I have anal glaucoma."

The boss said, "What the hell is that?"

The man replied, "Well, I just can&#39;t see my ass coming in to work."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He&#39;d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my mother&#39;s not looking to get into my panties."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into an ice cream parlor and says "Can I have a pint of chocolate ice cream, please?"
The clerk looks up and says "Sorry sir, but we don&#39;t have any chocolate left."
After careful pondering the man says, "OK, I&#39;ll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream, then" The clerk grows frustrated and replies "No, I&#39;m sorry, there IS NO CHOCOLATE."
The man apologizes and stares at the menu for a while, and then says "Fine, give me just one scoop of chocolate ice cream please."
The clerk takes a breath and says "Sir, could you please spell VAN, as in Vanilla?"
The man is intrigued, and so spells out "V-A-N." The clerk nods. "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry, please?"
"S-T-R-A-W", replies the man.
"And finally, spell STINK, as in chocolate?"
The man starts to say "S-T... wait a minute, there&#39;s no &#39;stink&#39; in chocolate&#33;"
"NOW we understand each other&#33;" the clerk exclaims.

[baccyman]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were sitting to one side, eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I&#39;ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain&#39;t never seen anything like that."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer&#39;s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, &#39;&#39;The women would say, &#39;What a terrible tragedy&#39; and I would nod my head and say, yes, it was.

The men would ask, &#39;You wanna sell that mule?&#39; and I would shake my head and say, can&#39;t. It&#39;s all booked up for a year."

[baccyman]

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person&#39;s smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.

"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.

"Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn&#39;t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight&#39;s the night&#33;"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster roller coaster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
"I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn&#39;t make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn&#39;t see what the sign said. "By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times&#33;"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@14 August 2004 - 15:37
(...)
The man answered, "Tonight&#39;s the night&#33;"
(...)
:lol: lmao...on the other hand i feel kinda sorry for the guy :P

[baccyman]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[baccyman]

"What do you want to be when you grow up little Johnny?"
"A doctor?"

"And why is that?"

"Because it&#39;s the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I&#39;ve never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing&#33;" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

[baccyman]

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other&#39;s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other&#39;s company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn&#39;t look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How&#39;s your health?"

"It&#39;s OK", he answers. "I&#39;m not getting any younger, but I don&#39;t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

"Well, then," she replies. "I don&#39;t want to be a snoop, but I&#39;ve got to protect myself, how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I&#39;m not rich, but I&#39;m comfortable. You don&#39;t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, "And how&#39;s your sex life?"

"Infrequently." he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking, "And is that one word or two?"

[baccyman]

Did you hear the invisible man married the invisible woman?
Their children weren&#39;t much to look at either.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law&#33; I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I&#39;m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you&#39;re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I&#39;m finished with my bath, guess who&#39;s going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@19 August 2004 - 11:27
(...)the invisible man(...)
Oh man, now that&#39;s a lame one. :P

[baccyman]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government&#39;s political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you&#39;re actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn&#39;t get more accurate than that."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler&#39;s trainer came to him and said, "Now don&#39;t forget all the research we&#39;ve done on this Russian. He&#39;s never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don&#39;t let him get you in this hold&#33; If he does, you&#39;re finished&#33;"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold&#33;

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn&#39;t watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian&#39;s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded&#33; When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before&#33;"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You&#39;d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls&#33;"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@20 August 2004 - 08:57
(...)from an Eagle to a CONDOM(...)
:lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+20 August 2004 - 11:11--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 20 August 2004 - 11:11)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@20 August 2004 - 08:57
(...)from an Eagle to a CONDOM(...)
:lol: :lol: [/b][/quote]
glad that you liked that more than the other one

[baccyman]

Dear Diary:
May 30th: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live&#33;&#33; Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place&#33; It is beautiful. I&#39;ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I&#39;m turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn&#39;t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least its kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol&#39; sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer&#33;&#33; And it&#39;s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged &#036;200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. I&#39;m gonna kill the next guy that says, "But it&#39;s a dry heat&#33;" Yeah, so&#39;s a freakin&#39; oven&#33;

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. &#036;225,000 house and I can&#39;t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It&#39;s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost &#036;500 and gets the temperature all the way down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, &#39;Hot enough for you today?&#39; I&#39;m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat&#33;&#33;

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It&#39;s been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn&#39;t it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my &#036;1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can&#39;t live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL&#33; Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend &#036;1500 to bail me out of jail. Freakin&#39; Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes."

[Autumn Fox]

Joke request:

Does anyone has the joke about a man in Texas (he&#39;s not a Texan) and a chilly festival ? He&#39;s one of the jury and has to teaste them all and gets kinda sick from it. IT&#39;s writen similarly to the joke above.

[baccyman]

Two Indians are walking in the desert. The first one bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He says, "Ugh, buffalo come!"
The second indian says, "You hear the buffalo?"

First one replies, "No... ear sticky."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."

"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

[baccyman]

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” “You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom. “You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge. “Bastard!” the same person yells. The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.” “I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[baccyman]

Something for the men to consider...
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off, enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why. I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females; that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.

That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449, according to the National Institutes of Health 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.

Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

[maskawaih]

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.

Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.
:blink: :lol: :lol:

[Rat Faced]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

What u doing up at this time of night maskawaih? :blink:

[maskawaih]

What u doing up at this time of night maskawaih? :blink:
i slept on goddamn evening. woke up on 9 o'clock in the night. got nothing to do and not sleepy. :P

[baccyman]

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were 9 naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"

[baccyman]

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.
He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings..."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.
They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.

She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her going down on her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!"

Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo:

"Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!"

...and then mailed the picture to her parents.

[baccyman]

Breast ID System

(o)(o)
perfect breasts

( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts

(*)(*)
high nipple breasts

(@)(@)
big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

oo
a cups

{ O }{ O }
d cups

(oYo)
wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^)
cold breasts

(o)(O)
lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q)
pierced breasts

(p)(p)
breasts w/hanging tassels

()(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts

o/o/
Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )
flat against the shower door breasts

< o < o
electric shock breasts

|o||o|
android breasts

(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o)
extra nipple breasts

($)($)
Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o)
zit on your breast

( o Y o )
poses for playboy magazine breasts

[baccyman]

Joe walks into a bar and sits down.
He notices that the guy next to him is talking and listening to a tiny man, less than a foot tall who is playing an equally tiny piano on the bar in front of him.

Joe is like "Holy crap, where did you get that?"

The guy gives him a small rock. He tells him all he has to do is rub it and he'll get anything he wishes for.

Joe takes the rock and takes off for the bathroom.

A few minutes later he emerges, looking dazed and confused, and is followed by thousands of ducks.

He goes back to the bar and says "I don't understand. I wished for a million bucks, and suddenly I was surounded by all of these ducks. What happened?"

The man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, what do you think? Do you really believe that I wished for a ten inch pianist?"

[baccyman]

Why Women Take So Long in the Bathroom
Only a woman will TRULY relate to the following, but it's fun for all!

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the Toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because you never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.

You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed... This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

PS - The answer to the other question, why do women go in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex.

[cpt_azad]

Breast ID System

(o)(o)
perfect breasts

( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts

(*)(*)
high nipple breasts

(@)(@)
big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

oo
a cups

{ O }{ O }
d cups

(oYo)
wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^)
cold breasts

(o)(O)
lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q)
pierced breasts

(p)(p)
breasts w/hanging tassels

()(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts

o/o/
Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )
flat against the shower door breasts

< o < o
electric shock breasts

|o||o|
android breasts

(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o)
extra nipple breasts

($)($)
Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o)
zit on your breast

( o Y o )
poses for playboy magazine breasts


LMFAO :lol: best ones:

()(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts

|o||o|
android breasts

(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)

:lol::lol::lol:

[baccyman]

Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig.

I had him buried upside down......."

My kinda woman

[baccyman]

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women finally realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon at Mt. Zion Hebrew School, Chaim Goldberg, the new instructor, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question and answer period.
"Mr. Goldberg," announced little Joel, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joel?" asked Goldberg, with a kindly smile.

"Well accordin' to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea. Right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Of course right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again, you're right, Joel... Where is this going?"

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin' somethin' important. Right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldberg. "So, what's your question, already?"

"Well, what I really wanna know is this," demanded Joel. "While the children were doing all these wonderful things, where were all the grown-ups"?

[baccyman]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy? "The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During an ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic! : Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing

[thecreator89]

PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy? "The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing


Good humor..
Just beautiful.
Baccyman, besides having such an awesome avatar, where do you get all these jokes? With all due respect, You couldn't have made them all up.
And trust me-- I don't have the time to do what you do-- I appreciate that yiou do this for us.

[cpt_azad]

Good humor..
Just beautiful.
Baccyman, besides having such an awesome avatar, where do you get all these jokes? With all due respect, You couldn't have made them all up.
And trust me-- I don't have the time to do what you do-- I appreciate that yiou do this for us.

obviously he didn't write all these, he gets them from all over the internet, and i must admit, some on these i've never seen b4 so definately a big thanks to baccyman for bringing them to this forum. Without baccy and hippy chick, this forum wouldn't be what it is.

[thecreator89]

Without baccy and hippy chick, this forum wouldn't be what it is.
That's true
Look at me-- I'm back already anticipating more jokes.
Keep it up you two!!!! Kudos!
MARK_IV:clap::clap::clap:

[baccyman]

i get a lot of jokes sent by friends in e-mails and some i find on other sites when i go to other sites.

[baccyman]

"Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex.
But my wife doesn't have to keep rubbing my nose in it."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The guy was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said. "It's actually really romantic."

"Oh, yeah?" responded the man. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids, and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the Madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!

I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[baccyman]

A young lady is on a cliff edge about to jump to her death when she is approached by a young man who asks if she's going to kill herself.
To her reply of "yes - I lost my job and my parents disowned me - I have nothing to live for!", he asks if she can give him a blow job before she does it.

"Sure, life sucks, I may as well."

When she's done he tells her it was great and asks why her parents disowned her?

She replies, "My parents disowned me for dressing like a woman"

[baccyman]

How To Say "I love you" all around the world:
English........... I Love You

Spanish.......... Te Amo

French........... Je T'aime

German.......... lch Liebe Dich

Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu

Italian............. Ti Amo

Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni

Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig

Alabama,
Arkansas,
North Carolina,
South Carolina,
Georgia,
Tennessee,
West Virginia,
Virginia
Mississippi and

Kentucky.......... Nice Chest!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

[cpt_azad]

A young lady is on a cliff edge about to jump to her death when she is approached by a young man who asks if she's going to kill herself.
To her reply of "yes - I lost my job and my parents disowned me - I have nothing to live for!", he asks if she can give him a blow job before she does it.

"Sure, life sucks, I may as well."

When she's done he tells her it was great and asks why her parents disowned her?

She replies, "My parents disowned me for dressing like a woman"


that's fecking sick :angry: :lol: :x

[baccyman]

my parents would have disowned me if i dressed like a woman .
god knows what the wife would say.
_________________________________________________________

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.

This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to 'go fly a kite'."

[baccyman]

Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived. The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What did you die of?"
The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."

St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"

The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."

St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."

Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"

The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my kids when my heart gave out, and here I am." Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed like a street walker.

Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."

Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'."

She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."

Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea..."

The girl replies, "You do if you give it to Leroy."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Diary
MONDAY:
What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table...

TUESDAY:
I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY:
The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY:
Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY:
This afternoon I saved 1600 lives ---twice...

[Autumn Fox]

(...) twice :lol:

[baccyman]

could be called greedy lol

[baccyman]

A cunning executive was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends. One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off. By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been. ?I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair." His wife angrily looked him up and down and said, "Bullshit, you've been playing golf."

[maskawaih]

A cunning executive was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends. One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off. By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been. ?I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair." His wife angrily looked him up and down and said, "Bullshit, you've been playing golf."
ROFLMAO :lol:

[baccyman]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.

It's 'Miracle Grow'.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a Tennessee redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when your staying in a Alabama hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"

and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

[maskawaih]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.

It's 'Miracle Grow'.

:blink: :D :lol: :lol:

[100%]

Baccy why dont you post in other parts of the forum?
you could simply post these items in the lounge and youd get more dialogue...

i would read more of your posts if i saw you elsewhere on the forum

;)

[cpt_azad]

A cunning executive was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends. One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off. By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been. ?I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair." His wife angrily looked him up and down and said, "Bullshit, you've been playing golf."
ROFLMFAO :lol::lol::lol::lol: oh man, that's the best one i've heard yet out of this entire thread

[baccyman]

Baccy why dont you post in other parts of the forum?
you could simply post these items in the lounge and youd get more dialogue...

i would read more of your posts if i saw you elsewhere on the forum

;)
i have made posts in other parts of the forum . i have made posts in software world helping people out in there when i can .
and i have made posts in movie and tv world.

[baccyman]

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale Has hit Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending soldiers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

[Autumn Fox]

@baccy:

#1 Except France ? Why ?
#2 Why do you have such a low post count ???

@15%: That'd be spaming.

[baccyman]

@baccy:

#1 Except France ? Why ?
#2 Why do you have such a low post count ???

@15%: That'd be spaming.

why France that is how the joke was sent to me . could be something to do with them not wanting to get involved in the Iraq war .

and why such a low post count i don't know when the server went down i ended up as a newcomer and a fair chunk of the jokes were gone aswell.

[baccyman]

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

[baccyman]

Dr. Johnson was walking down the hall toward his office when he passed Sister Francine walking hurriedly the other direction while saying her rosary very loudly.
His associate, Dr. Wheil, comes around the corner next chuckling to himself....

"Hey, what's with Sister Francine? She was just tearing down the hall and saying her rosary like there was no tomorrow!"

"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."

"You're kidding! Is she really?"

"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
___________________________________________________________________


Nancy, a city girl, married a farmer.

One morning, before the farmer went out to the field, he said, "Honey, the artificial insemination man is coming over this morning to impregnate one of the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four over the stall. Please show him where it is."

When the man arrived, Nancy led him down the row of stalls until she saw the nail. She pointed to the stall and the man remarked, "Are you sure?"

"Yep, it's the one with the nail," said Nancy.

"What's the nail for?" inquired the man.

"Well, I guess it's there to hang your pants on."

[baccyman]

A group of rednecks went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Billy Bob?" one of his buddies asked between spits of chewing tobacco.

"Billy Bob looked to had a stroke of some kind. Passed right out he did! He's a couple a miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy Bob jes a-laying out there and carried this here deer back?!"

"Yeah, it were a tough call," nodded the deer-totin' redneck, "but I figured no one's gonna steal Billy Bob!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[Autumn Fox]

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.


:lol: :lol: Great one :lol:

[thecreator89]

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
I don't get it
What?

[baccyman]

he put his tongue where he should'nt have.

[tesco]

Keep them coming. I enjoy reading your posts every day baccyman. It's comforting knowing that I can always come to this thread and find new jokes posted. :)

[baccyman]

great that you enjoy the jokes.

[baccyman]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up.

Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward --

NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does "THIS" answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[Shiranai_Baka]

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".

[baccyman]

A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eighty-four-year-old Morris was hit by a car and lay bleeding on the sidewalk. A policeman arrived on the scene and, glancing at the victim, immediately called for a priest and an ambulance. The priest arrived first and, bending over Morris, he asked, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
Morris lifted his head, opened his eyes wide and turned to the crowd that had gathered around him. "I am laying here dying and this schmendrick is asking me riddles"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line is for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[baccyman]

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?" "Make it a whiskey," says the man, who promptly throws it down in one gulp. "That'll be three dollars," says the bartender. "Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying." "Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap." Two years later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same bartender. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?" "Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!" "Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double." "Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

[cpt_azad]

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?" "Make it a whiskey," says the man, who promptly throws it down in one gulp. "That'll be three dollars," says the bartender. "Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying." "Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap." Two years later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same bartender. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?" "Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!" "Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double." "Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

:lol:

[baccyman]

"Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today and I missed on the very first word."
"That's too bad, Son." consoled the Father. "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it, you lunkhead. You can't even pronounce it correctly."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off. As he sat on the riverbank, a kid came walking by. Spying a frog, the kid grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said, "Frog, I's gon cut yo' legs off."
The he said, "Frog, after I gets don' cuttin' yo legs off, I's gon' stick this here popsickle stick up yo' butt, and then, frog......."

This was too much for the deputy. He stood up, grabbed the kid, and said, "Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I'm gonna do to you!"

The kid said, "Frog, dis here's yo' lucky day, 'cause I's gonna kiss yo' ass."

[baccyman]

The other day I came home from work and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear, and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went bowling.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”
“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young TZ found it impossible to get a date. He’d start to talk to a girl, and his tongue would twist up like a pretzel.
He went to a bookstore and looked for something that would help him overcome his timidity. On a nonfiction rack he saw a book titled "Ways to Women". Blowing his entire allowance, he bought the book, rushed home, and discovered that he had bought volume ten of the encyclopedia.

[baccyman]

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.
After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.

However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner, I had to do all the work."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First," said the playboy, "I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you’re not," said the girl.

"Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you’re not."

"Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you’re not."

"Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you’re not."

"And I’m not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

[cpt_azad]

First," said the playboy, "I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you’re not," said the girl.

"Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you’re not."

"Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you’re not."

"Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you’re not."

"And I’m not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

LOL

[baccyman]

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[cpt_azad]

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
owned :lol: :cool:

[baccyman]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here, and you should do it because that is your job; and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it and, besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw in the light bulb and one to hold my penis, I mean the ladder.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"

[100%]

Baccyman I finally understand..........


A long time ago i looked at the first page of this thread and read a joke then tried another.....
i gave up and went back to the rest of web for hardcore interaction
i watched this thread grow never reading it -
i mean how fk is any one supposed to keep up reading this
whats this guy up to?
I never understood why you kept doing this although - i prefered your method to Hippy's spamming funnyworld method and avoided both your threads like the plague
yet was astonished by both you and Hippy's Persistence
what the fk is he gonna do when he hits 1000posts and the thread drivles away?

A week ago my internet died......
i have to go to web cafes to do my bznz - which consists partly of grabbing big info pages for offline reading.
i decided to grabb one of your pages (1st 40 posts)
why not?
there must be something good in there?
went home and opened your page

I laughed my ass off

a few days later back at the webcafe went back and grabbed 5 more pages

laughed my ass off

hilarious stuff. cant get enough

---------------------------------------------
making it into one thread made it so much easier read


I think the problem is...
when it comes to the forum in general im more into interactivity fast one liners or have to find fast info - to sit down and calmly read your type of the thread which is purelly direct oneliner humor(of many many pages) with alot synical human truths requires a form of patience and difficult to find when there are so many other options.
Hence offline reading is a better option

one thing i find adding titles to jokes annoying since they are give awys

Weird thing is i mustve read around 100 of the jokes and i cant remember a single one of them, even though laughed like hell-but i think thats the case with jokes

Anyway - there\s my comment

keep em coming


the only joke i can always remember is


Whats invisible and smells like Rabbit?

[baccyman]

i thought that i would keep my jokes in one post that way i don't get blamed for spamming the forum . when i first started to use the forum people were posting all over the place with the intention of getting a high post count thus going up the rankings . but i learnt early on that if you post in the same topic all the time it does not count as a new post i don't know if this is still true because the board has gone through a few changes in the two years that i have been here .

what is invisible and smells like rabbit ????

[tesco]

i thought that i would keep my jokes in one post that way i don't get blamed for spamming the forum . when i first started to use the forum people were posting all over the place with the intention of getting a high post count thus going up the rankings . but i learnt early on that if you post in the same topic all the time it does not count as a new post i don't know if this is still true because the board has gone through a few changes in the two years that i have been here .

what is invisible and smells like rabbit ????
Old man farts. :w00t: (i see the emileys thing changed a little :) )

[baccyman]

well from being a member i got demoted to a newcomer on the last board change.

[100%]

Bunny Farts

[hippychick]

I like your jokes also Baccy... I c & P them to my friends...Plus I dont want to do a repost if I can help it...lol...I lost my post count with the change also...But I dont really care about how many post I have, I just like to tell jokes and make ppl laugh...I too have posted in other forums threads, mainly free stuff available...(I like to get free stuff in the mail) lmao

[cpt_azad]

Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw in the light bulb and one to hold my penis, I mean the ladder.


LMFAO :lol:

we all lost postcounts and got demoted, but it doesn't matter, because at the end of the day Baccyman and Hippychick are the 2 most important members of this forum (my opinion, not yours, admit it, without these 2 people this forum would be so dead).

now:

q: how many damned apes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a: 100. 1 to screw the light bulb in, and 99 to throw feces at each other!

LMFAO, family guy kicks ass.

[hobbes]

Bunny Farts

Bunnies don't fart :angry:

Reported!

[cpt_azad]

Bunnies don't fart :angry:

Reported!
grumpy old bastard, reported :mad3:





















joke :music:

[baccyman]

Do you know why Noah didn’t fish very often?
He only had two worms.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house..

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

[Shiranai_Baka]

Do you know why Noah didn’t fish very often?
He only had two worms.

LOL thats a good one

[baccyman]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

[baccyman]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep downI just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff and try to repair it myself?

[hippychick]

LOL Baccy you got me there...I was like awww poor guy and ready to kick your GF butt for ya. :P

[baccyman]

A young lady comes home from a date rather upset. She tells her mother, "Lenny proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you sad?" her mother asks. "Because he also told me he is an atheist," the girl responds. "Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell." Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is."

[cpt_azad]

A young lady comes home from a date rather upset. She tells her mother, "Lenny proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you sad?" her mother asks. "Because he also told me he is an atheist," the girl responds. "Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell." Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :no:

[baccyman]

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That's a hardware issue.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happen. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!

[hippychick]

So baccy did you get ur car fixed??? :lol: :lol: :lol: Or can I still kick ur GF butt??? :box: LOL...JK...HAGD y'all

[baccyman]

you can kick her butt if you want lol

how did you get the smilies to work i can't find them.

[tesco]

you can kick her butt if you want lol

how did you get the smilies to work i can't find them.
click usercp>edit options (on the left)>find where u got Message Editor Interface and change it to standard editor.

[baccyman]

click usercp>edit options (on the left)>find where u got Message Editor Interface and change it to standard editor.

i have done that but i only see smilies when i do a quote .
thanks for your reply

[Shiranai_Baka]

that thing about your gf was real? O.o

[hippychick]

i have done that but i only see smilies when i do a quote .
thanks for your reply
I have these checked...in user cp, then edit options...under thread display options I have all three options checked...Have you done that?

[baccyman]

that thing about your gf was real? O.o

just a joke :D :D :D

[baccyman]

I have these checked...in user cp, then edit options...under thread display options I have all three options checked...Have you done that?

i normally do my post with the quick reply . i have used the reply button and found the smilies :D :D :D thanks folks

[baccyman]

A frantic mother called her pediatrician at two in the morning.
"Doctor," she yelled, "My baby just ate an entire tube of K-Y jelly! What do I do?"

"Well," came the response, "if you really can't wait, call an all-night drugstore."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee".

[baccyman]

A blonde is sitting at home one day when she decides she's sick of hearing all those blonde jokes, so she decides to dye her hair brown. To see if it works, she goes to a farm.
She walks up to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer kinda chuckles to himself, and then replies, "Sure, why not?"

The blonde pulls out a calculator and does a whole bunch of calculus and trig equations and comes up with a number. She says to the farmer, "There are 314 sheep out there."

The farmer looks at her with a shocked expression and says, "You're right! Go take your pick".

The blonde takes a few minutes to pick a sheep, waves to the farmer, and leaves.

She's sitting at home the next day when she hears a knock on her front door. She opens it and finds the farmer standing there, holding his hat. He says to her, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[hippychick]

A blonde is sitting at home one day when she decides she's sick of hearing all those blonde jokes, so she decides to dye her hair brown. To see if it works, she goes to a farm.
She walks up to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer kinda chuckles to himself, and then replies, "Sure, why not?"

The blonde pulls out a calculator and does a whole bunch of calculus and trig equations and comes up with a number. She says to the farmer, "There are 314 sheep out there."

The farmer looks at her with a shocked expression and says, "You're right! Go take your pick".

The blonde takes a few minutes to pick a sheep, waves to the farmer, and leaves.

She's sitting at home the next day when she hears a knock on her front door. She opens it and finds the farmer standing there, holding his hat. He says to her, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
LOL and I told him "hell no" and I kept the dog... :01:

[cpt_azad]

LOL and I told him "hell no" and I kept the dog... :01:
lol :lol:

[baccyman]

A guy walks into a shrink's office complaining of trouble with women. The shrinks asks him what he looks for in a woman, and the guy replies, "Big tits."
The shrink says, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

The guy replies, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

The doctor looked kind of worried as the guy sat there on his couch laughing... "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a brassiere tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the brassiere came from. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a brassiere."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still cannot enter THIS church like that!"

[cpt_azad]

A guy walks into a shrink's office complaining of trouble with women. The shrinks asks him what he looks for in a woman, and the guy replies, "Big tits."
The shrink says, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

The guy replies, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

The doctor looked kind of worried as the guy sat there on his couch laughing... "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big!"


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

A lady walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?"
The clerk points and says, "On the wall over there."

She looks and says, "I want one of the red ones."

The salesman says, "No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"

"I’m sick of sports, I’m sick of TV," she replied. "You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!"

"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"

[cpt_azad]

lol

[ilw]

Just thought i'd say thanks baccyman, I read your additions most days and i think i've read the entire thread (i'm not gonna go back and check :P )
Cheers for the effort you put in :D

[Rat Faced]

A lady walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?"
The clerk points and says, "On the wall over there."

She looks and says, "I want one of the red ones."

The salesman says, "No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"

"I’m sick of sports, I’m sick of TV," she replied. "You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!"

"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"


:lol: :lol: :lol:

[cpt_azad]

Just thought i'd say thanks baccyman, I read your additions most days and i think i've read the entire thread (i'm not gonna go back and check :P )
Cheers for the effort you put in :D
same here, i've read all the pages since day 1 of this thread, baccyman ur da best :01: