A Bit Of A Laugh [Archive] - Page 4

baccyman

11-06-2004, 11:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ilw
Just thought i'd say thanks baccyman, I read your additions most days and i think i've read the entire thread (i'm not gonna go back and check )
Cheers for the effort you put in

same here, i've read all the pages since day 1 of this thread, baccyman ur da best
__________________

OUT OF IRAQ NOW! END THE ILLEGAL OCCUPATION.
HippyChick and Baccyman = THE BEST
anti-baseball & anti-lotr | SURREY REP |

thank folks glad that you enjoy the jokes . and knowing that people are reading them and enjoying them makes it worth while doing the posts

what i just tried did'nt work out too well i tried to copy and paste but it does not look right

hippychick

11-06-2004, 11:07 PM

[/QUOTE]
what i just tried did'nt work out too well i tried to copy and paste but it does not look right[/QUOTE]
I couldnt of said it any better baccy..thier right...ur da man!!! :flowers:

hippychick

11-06-2004, 11:08 PM

mine either...hmmmm :unsure:

cpt_azad

11-07-2004, 05:11 AM

mine either...hmmmm :unsure:
:lol: , u'll get the hang of it unless u did it on purpose :shifty: :ph34r:

baccyman

11-07-2004, 01:50 PM

-"Why is it," queried the young man, "every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?"
"Because, genius," came the wise retort, "I'm a prostitute."

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A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up Hope until a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that."

cpt_azad

11-07-2004, 11:26 PM

-"Why is it," queried the young man, "every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?"
"Because, genius," came the wise retort, "I'm a prostitute."
LMFAO :lol:

baccyman

11-08-2004, 02:37 PM

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if that son of a bitch could have sex...he could fly."

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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse, when Johnson lost $500 on a single hand! He clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.
Finkelstein looked around and asked, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They drew straws and Miller picked the short one. They told him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me!"

Miller went over to the Johnson’s condo, and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked what he wanted. Miller declared: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."

Tell him to drop dead!" said the wife.

baccyman

11-09-2004, 01:28 PM

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mom, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny." He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we’re leaving."

baccyman

11-09-2004, 01:50 PM

some funny film clips . i thought that the clip dated 9-9-2004 and called don't try this at home was hillarious

http://www.sheepfilms.co.uk

baccyman

11-09-2004, 02:20 PM

I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything.
For example, look at Liberace, he was a great pianist, but he sucked on the organ.

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Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President Of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi...you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"

The guy yells, "Dat's da guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

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An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."

The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Well, sonny, perhaps, it's your pants you should wear backwards."

cpt_azad

11-10-2004, 08:10 AM

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we’re leaving."

best one yet :lol:

baccyman

11-10-2004, 01:27 PM

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed, and the divorce is complete, the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a Get."
The judge inquires what she means by a Get.

So, the woman explans that a Get is a religious cermony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?"

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck."

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Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He >responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

baccyman

11-11-2004, 04:24 PM

A scientist has invented a new type of bra that stops breasts from bobbing up and down, and keeps nipples from sticking out in cold weather.
His workmates have kicked the sh*t out of him.

baccyman

11-12-2004, 02:08 PM

Dear Son:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

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On doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."

The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

baccyman

11-13-2004, 03:22 PM

"My wife is a bisexual."
"You don't say?"

"Yeah. She only wants to have sex twice a year."

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A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

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A stenographer who was struck on the shoulder by a flying paper clip, decided to visit the company doctor. It was her first visit there, and being naturally shy, she hesitated a while before going over to a middle-aged man, explained her trouble and asked him to examine her shoulder. He responded agreeably, and began to examine her thoroughly.
It was not long until the blushing young maiden looked down and said, "But Doctor, that isn't my shoulder you're examining."

"That's all right," he said, "I'm not the doctor."

baccyman

11-14-2004, 03:12 PM

A little boy was doing his homework one evening and turned to his father and said,
“Dad, where would I find the Andes?
“Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”

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Jeanne Calment, at 120 years and counting, is the oldest living human who's birth date can be authenticated. When recently asked to describe her vision for the future, she replied, "Very brief."_____________________________
From Win Arn comes another quip about an aging woman. When the reporter asked the birthday girl what she like best about being 102 years old, she answered, "No peer pressure."___________________

Finally, John Fetterman, rector of Grace Episcopal Church in Madison, Wisconsin told of an elderly woman who died last April. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

baccyman

11-15-2004, 03:38 PM

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor.
When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon says, No, I really think construction workers are the best. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Rat Faced

11-15-2004, 06:19 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

cpt_azad

11-16-2004, 02:20 AM

"and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

:lol:

baccyman

11-16-2004, 09:09 AM

well that is politicians for you full of bullshit.

cpt_azad

11-16-2004, 09:36 AM

yup

Autumn Fox

11-16-2004, 10:59 AM

Then how come you voted for Bush again ??

cpt_azad

11-16-2004, 11:04 AM

me?

baccyman

11-16-2004, 01:49 PM

i would have a job to vote for Bush . i live in the u.k.

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

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A man takes his son tiger hunting.
They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions?

And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”

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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

baccyman

11-17-2004, 02:41 PM

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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With Christmas now coming closer each day I'm sending you this little story..........
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

cpt_azad

11-17-2004, 03:46 PM

lmao, stick that tree up your ass :lol:

baccyman

11-18-2004, 02:01 PM

A man is driving home late one Halloween night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.

The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

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A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

"No," she said.

"Well," spoofed the dentist, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

The old woman just sat there and didn't laugh a bit!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, the dentist had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

baccyman

11-19-2004, 01:06 PM

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", la mented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'"

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless America!

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Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E you know.... Young, urban, professional, peacefull, intelligent, ecologist."

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y, you know... Double Income, No kids, Yet!"

The third guy says. "I'm a R.U.B, you know.... Rich, Urban , Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her , "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know.... Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc.."

cpt_azad

11-19-2004, 09:54 PM

She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know.... Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc.."

hahahahahhahahhahaha :lol:

whip22

09-17-2008, 10:26 PM

more more more!

Lindsay<3

09-24-2008, 09:13 PM

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D

Sweetiepie

09-25-2008, 12:19 PM

:lol:

tehrani20

09-25-2008, 09:49 PM

Very Funy more please

peat moss

09-27-2008, 04:38 PM

Why you never question a drunk................

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following
A litre of milk
A carton of eggs
A carton of orange juice
A 250 gram package of bacon
A head of lettuce
A 1 kilo can of coffee
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

petra1210

09-27-2008, 04:43 PM

viper

09-29-2008, 11:26 AM

lmao rofl lol :)))

bigboab

11-09-2008, 12:17 PM

I used to keep mountain goats until I went to Specsavers.:wacko:

bigboab

11-24-2008, 11:28 AM

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Dytzone

11-27-2008, 11:15 PM

Drink in Informatic terms :

0,1 l whisky = Demo
0,25 l whisky = Trial version
0,5 l whisky = Personal edition
0,7 l whisky = Professional edition
1,0 l whisky = Network edition
1,75 l whisky = Small business edition
3 l whisky = Enterprise edition
5 l whisky = Corporate edition

Old Geezer

11-27-2008, 11:44 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. “Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile. “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.” “Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

I believe this is a takeoff from an old Redd Foxx joke.

The guy goes in to have breakfast at the restaurant he frequents every day. The waitress comes over to take his order and exclaims " I just scratched what you want" To which he replies "Oh that's ok just wash your hands and bring me my ham and eggs.

bigboab

01-02-2009, 12:45 PM

Two detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What the heck is a golf gun?"

"I'm not certain, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

:sick:

Popov

01-02-2009, 04:08 PM

bigboab

01-05-2009, 07:24 PM

What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets.

News from the Far East: Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.:sick:

bigboab

01-23-2009, 09:37 AM

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference will include meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

bigboab

02-10-2009, 11:38 PM

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.' :lol:

------------

Little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

----------

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to make some calls. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes convertible, fully loaded."

The third man bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes.
The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.

bigboab

02-24-2009, 02:52 PM

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful,but listenvery, very closely..... .

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '

Swift

02-24-2009, 04:21 PM

:lol: i must have heard thing aswell

Bone.W.Machine

02-26-2009, 10:30 PM

haha good one bigboab

janeisklar

02-27-2009, 07:15 PM

awsome! :)
give us some more stuff

sez

02-27-2009, 08:06 PM

I just stumbled upon this when googling on paypal account issues.i have had my own share of paypal customer service problems but haven't ever bothered with follow ups and after reading this guy's experience,i dont think it would be happening anytime soon lol..

http://www.polaine.com/playpen/2008/01/25/paypal-a-customer-service-nightmare/#more-666

MackDaddy

03-02-2009, 02:45 AM

Geraldo got kicked out of Iraq for the second time for giving away sensitive military information, and in response he said, "I've never been so ashamed, and I'm Geraldo"

http://crooksandliars.com/2006/06/23/geraldo-rivera-ive-seen-a-hell-of-a-lot-more-combat-than-john-kerry

bigboab

03-09-2009, 11:08 PM

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him
to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict
gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the
bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you too.:lol:

hellboy4my

03-31-2009, 09:14 PM

guaranteeman

04-02-2009, 03:03 PM

:Dgood 1 @bigboab

Thatsgreat

04-10-2009, 12:05 PM

Haha :)

whitesnake

04-11-2009, 10:59 PM

haha :)

bigboab

04-16-2009, 08:42 PM

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"

--------

Doctor : "What is three times three?"
Person 1 : 274
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
Person 2 :"Tuesday,"
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
Person 3 : "Nine"
Doctor : "That's great! How did you get that?"
Person 3 : "Simple just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

kaustav

04-18-2009, 04:51 PM

1 year has 365 days.
if Tuesday was the 291st day, then that mans good at maths, and remembering dates. Microsoft could use him.
3 years between xp and vista is not the same as the time between xp and the last 1, of course people LOVE xp now. And yet it sucks.

saleem1090

04-27-2009, 07:18 PM

Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"