the face lift

A woman in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon for a consultation.

"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

Then she replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"
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A suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed, "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and, there was nothing but dirt.

Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and, once again, the sentry looked in the trunk. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "More dirt," said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every day for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.

Then, one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favour: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."
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Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

:glag: @ first one.