lottery

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Then a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707.
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Ficklestein, the owner of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.
"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see if he winces."

"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $10.'"

"If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"

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An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.
The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"

The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill."

So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.

"Now, go and open the trunk!"

So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.

"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"
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A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

"You wanna wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”