vaseline

A market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."

When asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

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A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you."
The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.

"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
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Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend,
either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

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The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill. He couldn't figure it out, so he asked his buxom blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

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What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

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Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.

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How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
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I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

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Says a little old lady to the judge:
"Your honor, I am 86 years old.

"So there I was, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

"He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.

"Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, 'Take me, young man, Take me!'

"That's when he yelled, 'April Fool' and that's when I shot the son of a bitch!"