a load of jokes

we are back from our holiday and here are a load of jokes for you to have a laugh at

A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he retorts.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything!"

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A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, wouldn't taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers,. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the secondround, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking..........Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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A doctor says to his patient Todd, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."
"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Thomas asks.

"The good news is I think you're cute."

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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I was sitting at the counter in a diner recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in reading her newspaper.
I noticed one of the headlines that blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

I could see that she shook her head at the sad news...as she read the article.

Then, suddenly, she turned to me and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

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A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.
"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."

The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket--but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!"

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Did you know that the Scots were credited with saving the lives of WWII aviators returning from bombing raids to English air bases?
After dropping their bombs, the pilots would fly low back over the channel. But the dense fog made it difficult to know if they were over friendly territory, in case they had to bail out.

As they flew very low, they would look down at the houses, and when they saw the toilet paper, hanging out to dry...they knew they were back in "home" territory.
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Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill" answered the son.

I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

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Betty Jo passed away right sudden like, and Bubba, he called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "Down 'ere at the end o' Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her on over to Oak Street and you pick her up there. . . "

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The professor gave all the children. The same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colors and flavors.
The children began to say

Red... cherries

Yellow... lemons

Green... limes

Orange... oranges

Purple... grapes

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.

After eating them for a few minutes, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," the professor said, "I'll give you a clue...It's what your mother might sometimes call your father.

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out & yelled: "Oh My God! They're assholes!
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Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off

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A couple of Rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river.
Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.

"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.

"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental.

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Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s'ex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

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While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"

"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer. "They are the gift wrapping."

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Introducing the new, Improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too, muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini-van in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
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When Little Johnny's family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked him how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and Jenny has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

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A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

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A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy and their bitch.
The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy."

The son then asks "What's a bitch?"

The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"

The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
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According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect.
That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was.

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The boss's secretary walked in from lunch carrying a bag of snake oils. I watched her unload it all onto her desk. She had pills and liquids and rubs--and a big, long digital thing.
"What the hell is that?" I asked.

"A thermometer," she wheezed.

"Weirdest looking thermometer I’ve ever seen," I said as I picked it up and read the box. "Oh, boy, it’s oral and rectal. It says that if you are taking your temperature orally it beeps when its finished. But if you’re taking it rectally it hums ‘I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy.

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A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.
He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.And then you dump the stock.
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Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal.

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A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Mary," the husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

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While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.
She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health. So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of anal air. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read:

"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. You've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."
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An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

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This was written by a black guy in Texas.......funny and insightful.
Colored

When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......

When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you calling colored?

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Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

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Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
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Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

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Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. What is 'loft?'"

The pro says, "L-O-F-T: Lack Of F**king Talent."
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There were still a few minutes left before the flight. Sam was thanking George for being such a good host. "My room was great. The food was terrific. You didn’t bug me. And, more than anything else, thanks for letting me sleep with your wife. She was the best I ever had!"
Boarding was announced. George waived goodbye and left. A stranger walked over to Sam and said, "Pardon me, but did I hear you just thank that man for letting you sleep with his wife? And that she was the best you ever had?"

Sam said, "She really wasn’t, but that George Kemp is just such a nice guy."

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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
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The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my muff and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?!'"

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A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.
Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... Harry Houdini!"
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Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says "Do you have a prescription?"
Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

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A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride. "The monks only used to give us an apple..."

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Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.
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A very large woman walks into a department store and asks a salesman, "Do you have anything I could fit into?"
"Well," the man says, "I think I could fit you into that elevator."

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name.?"

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you calling from?"

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A blonde is complaining to her friend about the bad day she'd had at work. Her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.
Her friend said, "How horrible! What did you do?"

The blonde shook her head. "There was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers..."