Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher.
Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't f*ck around at these crematoriums you know.
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simple remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
For everything else, you only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
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beer cost effectiveness
She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and that I’d have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup.
And I asked how come I’d have to give up stuff and she couldn’t.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that’s what the beer was for!
