The 2004 Darwin Awards
You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to
the person who did the "gene pool" the most service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last Year's Winner
was the fellow who attempted to wash his own in a ball washer at the
local golf course? As always, competition this year has been keen. And
the candidates this year are?
According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy
Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head fi rst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran," - accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily
run.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their
way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free
him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced d ead at a
hospital.
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit
the floor.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, - ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,
who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won
a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
HONORABLE MENTION:
In Guthrie, Okl a, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
fracturing his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his
wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up
in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
TAC OMA, WA
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the TacomaNarrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and
at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.
One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other
end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived
his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out
for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it".
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed
his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more
than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up
pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200
pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he
struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him,
he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came
along, and during that time he suffocated It seems to be just one of
those freak accidents that "s**t happens."
