Australia Day

WE ARE ONE

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New
Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve
the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One
Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day,
and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch
is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us
think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots
are Bondi lifesavers that pull their ! Speedos up their cracks to keep the
left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks
can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim
to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the
men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state
to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty
kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere
on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national
culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way
to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document
defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God
probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why
he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said! the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and
turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust
for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a
rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than
Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party
albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win
one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to
our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so
what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport
so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and
still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket,
netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed
Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get
to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank
doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the
desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!
P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!!
No other country has this distinction! HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26,
2004.

:) :) :)