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Thread: Warfare

  1. #1
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    Not one word of this was written by me.

    I just thought it may possibly amuse the odd one or two who don't have their heads too far up their own asses (sic) at the moment.



    Due to popular demand and without further adieu we bring you
    a brief history of America at war.

    P.S. I have no idea who wrote this.

    Plagiarisingly,


    TZ

    The Anglo-Dutch wars: This marks the first real time that the
    place we think of as America went to war. This was primarily
    because Indians were getting so scarce on the coast that they
    could only be massacred in season, and the colonists needed
    something to do to pass the time. As a consequence they cheered
    as All-American Hero the Duke of York marched into a tiny Dutch
    trading post at the mouth of the Hudson, leading those brave
    All-American boys shipped from over the Atlantic onwards to
    victory.

    The Seven Years War*: Known in America as the French and Indian
    war, primarily because a good part of the war consisted of the
    French fighting the Indians, while Americans sat on the side-
    lines wondering which one would be the easier to massacre. (The
    official reason for calling it the French and Indian war is
    because of how it was started by Austria trying to win land
    off Prussia). The colonists were particularly keen to start
    the war, and promptly saw their militia slaughtered by the
    French and Indians, who decided to team up just to give
    foreigners something to laugh about in later years. After this
    the war consisted mainly of the Americans waiting for the
    Household cavalry to appear over the horizon and win the day,
    which they do over the space of approximately 90 minutes on
    a bank holiday weekend in 1759. Already we can see a rule
    forming here- without significant foreign military aid America
    has severe trouble beating an enemy wielding anything more
    deadly than a beach parasol.

    American War of Independence™*: The Seven Years war led to
    the formation of the second rule of American warfare- there's
    always someone to fight. Without the French in Canada or the
    Spanish in Florida, there was only one option- fight them-
    selves! Using the convenient excuse of being taxed to pay for
    their own defence, Americans decided to throw off the
    oppressive chains of British imperial domination that would
    later turn Canada into a 1984-style hell. New England rednecks
    scored impressive victories over regular British forces
    commanded by inbred incompetents with desires of beating the
    Russians in the Worst Officer Class ever awards. Wanting fancy
    uniforms, the Americans then draw up a proper army, which is
    promptly shattered. The states then argued about who should
    pay for their independence, while their generals won victories
    by massacring drunken Germans on internationally recognised
    holidays. Eventually the French managed to win control over
    the seas and land some competent officers to instruct the
    Americans. They then managed to hold on to enough territory
    while the pro-American opposition in Parliament forced the
    British to end the war. Thus was born the Land of the Free™
    and the Home of the Brave™- two commodities which America
    has had a complete monopoly on ever since.

    War of 1812: The second rule came into play once again, and
    America looked for someone to beat up. They decide on several
    million square miles of uninhabited wilderness. End result,
    Wilderness 1, America 0. The Americans try to pull off a three
    pronged attack into practically unprotected Canada, while the
    colonial overlord has all her troops involved in a war to
    decide the fate of the civilised world 5,000 miles away.
    American troops distinguished themselves by refusing to fight
    outside of their home state, showing a firm understanding of
    the idea of an offensive war. Britain manages to spare enough
    troops from the Gotterdammerung in Europe to take America's
    capital city almost without a fight and burn it to the ground.
    Clearly we see the first rule in play here- America has trouble
    beating a force under a man whose chief CV point is being
    distantly related to Wellington. Although no film was made
    of this war, it is famous for being the place from which
    America's national anthem derives, originally titled "Hey look-
    we've finally won a battle!".

    Indian Wars*: Having established the USA as a beacon of freedom
    and tolerance in which everyone had a say in the running of
    the country, the American people found to their horror that
    centuries of biological warfare had not quite wiped out the
    natives. Following a policy of 'It's not genocide if there are
    no survivors', the government decided that the best way to
    serve the interests of the native Americans was to relocate
    them all to a telephone box in Arizona. The US army spend fifty
    glorious years fighting a brave struggle against a cunning and
    dastardly foe who stood for everything America didn't, like
    the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The
    war is the stuff of legend in the US, and many American school-
    children hope that one day they too can go and cleanse Holy
    American Land of the filthy, alien indigenous peoples.


    Mexican Wars: Having dealt with the Indians, the Americans felt
    confident that they could take on an enemy slightly higher up
    the ladder of inferior races. Not wanting to take too much in
    the way of risks they settle on Mexico, which was accused of
    stockpiling the Pacific coast and violating the no-salsa zone.
    In its 25 year history Mexico had already managed to lose a
    war to the three farmsteads that made up Texas, so the US had
    a fair chance of getting at least a draw. American troops do
    surprisingly well, especially considering the fact that the
    enemy have firearms.

    The Civil War*: Once again the second rule comes into play-
    no Indians, no Mexicans, not Canadians to fight. Who next? The
    answer in retrospect was obvious- hillbillies. Needless to say,
    the USA was hardly going to make this a fair fight, making sure
    it massively outnumbered the south in everything that mattered.
    And they still managed to lose, nearly. Once again, Americans
    simply could not be bothered to get up and fight, preferring
    to sit at home and hoping the problem would go away. Having
    escaped getting their capital Southern Fried for a second time,
    the north finally remembers that there isn't anyone else who
    they can get to fight this war for them, and proceed to pillage
    and burn anything that looks even vaguely redneck. This war
    is most famous for the film Gone With the Wind, with its
    classic summary of American foreign policy for the past 300
    years- "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn".

    The Spanish American War: After realising that war actually
    involved effort, America found war 'boring' and 'no longer
    fun'. As a consequence it was another thirty years before
    someone poor and weak enough to be a worthy adversary was
    found. With Mexico looking too dangerous America decided to
    pick on the world's most decrepit empire- Spain. With a navy
    consisting of two old tin baths and a rubber duck the Spanish
    put up a valiant fight, assuming that a valiant fight consists
    of synchronised suicide. The Americans take a hill overlooking
    an insignificant town at ridiculously high cost, lose about
    a tenth of their entire army to disease and decide that it's
    too much effort to bother fighting a proper battle and just
    wait for the Spanish to give in. This they duly do, and America
    'liberates' Cuba, whose gratitude shines through to this day.

    World War I: 1914 was the year that Europe decided that peace,
    prosperity and having sections of the population aged between
    15 and 35 was overrated. When war starts America manages to
    have its cake and eat it- not only do they sit around waiting
    for someone else to fight the war for them, but they kill a
    load of inferior Mexicans for refusing to salute the US flag.
    Eventually, after they find out that Germany has offered to
    help Mexico invade the USA, realising they would have an enemy
    who could fight back, America finally goes to war. Arriving
    just in time to chase the Germans back and claim victory,
    American history books could claim that without them Germany
    would have conquered the entire world. Upon entering the war-
    zone American commanders demonstrate their intelligence and
    cunning by marching all their troops straight at the German
    guns. At this point even the Allied generals, for whom the
    greatest horror of war was being unable to get real Turkish
    delight for their mistresses, had figured out that this wasn't
    the smartest of moves. The great fighting ability of the
    American soldier is demonstrated by achieving in seven months
    three times as many casualties as Belgium managed to suffer
    in four years, despite being in the middle of Trench warfare
    for all that time.

    World War II*: America's finest hour. Sadly, that isn't saying
    much. The internationally recognised Most Evil Man Ever makes
    a bet with his friends about how many countries he can conquer
    before America declares war on him. He is on his twelfth when
    he gets so angry at America's laziness that he decides to
    declare war on them in exasperation. The Americans discover
    that the Japanese are not actually bandy- legged inferior
    people who couldn't see in the dark when they mount a surprise
    attack that knocks out most of the US military in the pacific.
    You do rather wonder what exactly the US navy thought the
    armada bearing down on one of their biggest naval bases was-
    a yacht club with a taste for military grey perhaps. The second
    world war was, for America, fought in two places. The first
    was the Pacific theatre, where America once again performed
    gloriously, managing to take less land off the Japanese than
    the Australians, before finding a way to win the war that only
    required a dozen or so people to leave their hammocks on
    tropical pacific islands. The war in Europe was characterised
    by American commanders trying to show cunning and guile, but
    giving up and borrowing the Russian tactic 'if we outnumber
    you ten to one, we can afford to lose nine of them'. Thanks
    to this war Americans can tell any nationality in Europe that
    'If it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking German'. Missing
    out on the fact that had the Germans won the war they would
    have said, rightly, that if it wasn't for them you'd all be
    speaking English.


    Korean War: Five years of peace occur before the second rule
    strikes, and America once again is off to fight. Several
    million Koreans under the command of a ruthless communist
    dictator attack several hundred thousand Koreans under the
    command of a regular old ruthless dictator, and needless to
    say, the USA feels obliged to fight for democracy in the area.
    On the flipping of a coin it is decided that the South Koreans
    are the more democratic, and need helping. Washington is
    horrified when it finds out that two squads of the Kentucky
    National Guard can't actually hold off a million-man communist
    Blitzkrieg. They're even more horrified when, having beaten
    the Koreans, the Chinese get involved and force the Americans
    to give up half the country. America decides that war's really
    sad anyway and it's only for losers and they weren't really
    playing and China was cheating.

    Vietnam war*: American post-war military history is a bit like
    that of someone in a corporate band called the Allies. First
    the group was working together, making some good singles and
    a chart-topping album called World War 2. Then the band started
    to have disagreements and fights, France goes off to have a
    solo career, and eventually everyone's 'following their heart'
    and producing utter crap. The Vietnam war is the equivalent
    of the single that means the airhead singer will never work
    again. Having not fought a proper war for at least ten years,
    the Americans try to find a suitable dictatorial regime to prop
    up. Before you can say 'My Lai' American troops are swarming
    through the jungles, enjoying the warm hospitality of the
    natives. American troops are particularly keen to be polite,
    scrupulously obeying the ancient Vietnamese tradition for
    visitors- burning down the village and butchering the children
    of your host. American airmen promise to 'bomb Vietnam back
    to the stone age', then proceed to drop 2/3rd of their bombs
    on South Vietnam- the country they are notionally defending.
    At home American youths flee to Canada, on the grounds that
    they don't want to fight in the jungles of South East Asia
    until the army figure out a way of killing people without
    leaving the air-conditioned bases. Eventually America decides
    that it's all too much hard work, and that the South
    Vietnamese can be enslaved by communism after all. 50,000
    Americans die in a guerilla war in the jungles of South East
    Asia- coincidentally the same number of troops required by the
    British to win a guerilla war in the jungles of South East
    Asia ten years earlier.

    Grenada: Having lost to a nation whose idea of advanced
    weaponry was a bicycle with a sharp stick tied to the front,
    America decides to go back to basics for their next war. Fast
    approaching the constitutionally forbidden tenth year of peace,
    the US army selects its target- Grenada. As the world's second
    largest nutmeg producer, it was only a matter of time before
    it joined with the godless communists and destroyed freedom
    as we know it. For a nation with a population one fifth the
    size of the US airforce the natives put up a strong fight.
    However soon America has made certain that the world is once
    again safe for democracy, apple pie and discount tourism. The
    world applauds America's success much in the way a teacher at
    a school for 'special' students does when one of their charges
    manages to draw an upside down H at the age of fifteen.

    Gulf War: America's on a roll, having managed to defeat Panama
    after several years of protracted trench warfare. Now it's time
    to start playing in the premier league, and the US decides to
    take on Iraq. Having secured UN support there are enough
    foreigners to do the military equivalent of holding a kid up
    when they use a bike without stabilisers for the first time.
    Even with widespread international help, the Iraqis know it's
    still going to be nowhere near a fair fight unless they help
    the Americans out a lot, for example by taking the batteries
    out of their own tanks and push starting them in the morning.
    Even with this the US army has trouble getting their head
    around the whole idea. One American unit makes the mistake of
    confusing the Union Jack with the Iraqi flag, and ends up
    killing more British soldiers than the entire Iraqi military.
    Having managed to drive the enemy out of Kuwait, the Americans
    once again get bored, and put defeating Saddam Hussein on their
    'to do' pile, promising to get it done after the barbeque next
    week.

    The War Against Terror: Or, as American commanders originally
    referred to it, T.W.A.T. Finally America had found its calling-
    a war that involved plenty of cool explosions, the needless
    death of allies to moronic friendly-fire incidents, slaughter
    of generic dark-skinned natives, an Evil sounding enemy and,
    most importantly, no risk whatsoever for any Americans. Thanks
    to American bravery in handing suitcases of cash to Afghani
    warlords and bombing raids against dictionary suppliers, terror
    was completely destroyed, in another glorious victory for the
    USA.

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  3. The Drawing Room   -   #2
    This is what I did as I read your post. Then I had to stop laughing, because I couldn't read with my eyes closed. At least, not as quickly.
    Very droll.
    Have you seen my new post? You should go check it out.
    "How to save the world." Or some such nonsense like that.
    Ah, yes, the War of 1812. Brings me back to the good ol' days, when men were men, and women were women...that's what I hear, anyway.
    I was in the U.S. military for awhile, and I must say, your post did not offend me at all. Not even a little bit.
    It's late in the evening here...4:57 in the morning actually, which is pretty damned late in the evening! It's so late, they had to change days!
    I can't believe they limit the number of smilies one can use in a post.
    I can write friggin' War and Peace, (just not as boringly), but if I use too many smilies, it doesn't post.
    Hmm.
    Can you tell me how to get an image to stay in my post?
    You know, the pictures to the left, and the sentences or pictures along the bottom. If not, no sweat. I'll bug the hell out of someone until I find out.
    Take care.
    Educate. Laugh. Love. Life. B)

  4. The Drawing Room   -   #3
    Diogenes,

    You have unfinished business in the statue toppling thread. You teased us with a cryptic threat and then ignored us.


    I read the little story above. Without commenting on it specifically, I was wondering what it's point was?

    I guess it's, "See, you're not so cool!" Fine, if that makes you feel better about yourself.

    I like a lot about the US, especially the fact that you are allowed and encouraged to post such degrogatory barbs.

    When people are allowed to stand up and protest or question, the government must justify its actions and assume culpability when it fails it's people.
    Aren't we in the trust tree, thingey?

  5. The Drawing Room   -   #4
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    Originally posted by hobbes@18 April 2003 - 00:56
    Diogenes,

    You have unfinished business in the statue toppling thread. You teased us with a cryptic threat and then ignored us.


    I read the little story above. Without commenting on it specifically, I was wondering what it's point was?

    I guess it's, "See, you're not so cool!" Fine, if that makes you feel better about yourself.

    I like a lot about the US, especially the fact that you are allowed and encouraged to post such degrogatory barbs.

    When people are allowed to stand up and protest or question, the government must justify its actions and assume culpability when it fails it's people.
    It was merely in an e-mail sent to me from the USA,I just didn't want anyone to get too carried away with the idea that invading what is basically a demoralised & run-down third-world country gives a divine right for the USA to rewrite history,1984 (George Orwell) style.
    Other than that it's just a bit of harmless fun,much like a lot of the stuff I've read,and laughed at for all the right reasons, by Americans Re:the UK & its quaint & archaic institutions.

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