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Thread: Holiday Party

  1. #1
    clocker's Avatar Shovel Ready
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    Mar 2003
    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 01, 2003

    RE: Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
    Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon
    in the private function room at the Grill House. There
    will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
    small band playing traditional carols...feel free to
    sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
    dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit
    at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be
    done at that time; however, no gift should be over
    $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
    pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO
    will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family.


    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 02, 2003

    RE: Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
    Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
    important holiday, which often coincides with
    Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
    However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
    Party." The same policy applies to any other employees
    who are not Christians or those still celebrating
    Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
    present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other
    types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family.


    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 03, 2003

    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of
    Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table
    ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
    accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
    table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
    anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?


    Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are
    allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is
    too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a
    little chintzy.


    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    To: All Employees

    DATE: October 04, 2003

    RE: Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
    December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
    which forbids eating and drinking during daylight
    hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
    appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does
    not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
    the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
    until the end of the party- or else package everything
    for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
    Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
    of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from

    The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
    table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to
    sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
    Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there
    will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To
    the person asking permission to cross dress, no
    cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster
    seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available
    for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used
    in the food we suggest for those people with high
    blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh
    fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
    supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?!?!?


    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All F*ucking Employees

    DATE: October 05, 2003

    RE: The F*%king Holiday Party

    Vegetarian pr*cks I've had it with you people!!! We're
    going to keep this party at the Grill House whether
    you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
    table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
    quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu*cking salad
    bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know,
    tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
    slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
    scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten
    holiday! Drive drunk and die,

    The Bi*ch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: October 06, 2003

    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis
    a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your
    cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided
    to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
    afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!
    "I am the one who knocks."- Heisenberg

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    7,607 have you heard monty python' bells? I dont know why this made me think of that..

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