Two hunters were out in the New Jersey woods when one fell to the ground.
He didn't seem to be breathing and his eyes had rolled back into his head His friend took out his mobile phone and called the emergency services: 'My friend is dead, what can I do?'
The operator tried to calm him. 'Take it easy' I can help. Now first let's be sure your friend is dead.'
There was a brief silnce, followed by a gunshot.
Then the hunter came back on the line: 'OK. Now what?'
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams: 'I slept with your mother!' The bar falls quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells: 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!' The other says: 'Go home Dad, you're drunk.'
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police officer came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied: 'I don't know, it all happened so fast.'
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Two men are playing golf at their local club. One is about to chip to the green when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.' The man replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'
A woman rushes to her doctor, looking worried and strung out. She says: 'Take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, doctor?' The doctor looks her over, then calmly says: 'Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.'
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.