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Thread: Think Before You Speak...

  1. #1
    WeeMouse's Avatar Small and Squeaky
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Glasgow, Scotland
    My brother's girlfriend sent me these from work...i think they're pretty funny!

    1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
    asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
    turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
    say a word... he knew better.
    - Melinda Lowe, Seguin, TX

    2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
    unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
    minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
    at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
    and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
    - Colleen Collins, Ferndale, MI

    3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
    variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
    the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
    your nuts." I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
    never let me forget.
    Faye Emerick, Ellerslie, MD

    4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
    some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
    after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
    her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
    threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
    saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
    after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
    doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
    with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
    were screams of laughter.
    - Amy Richardson, Stafford, VA

    5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
    got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
    Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed
    out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER
    SIZE ."That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
    apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a
    business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT
    - Diane E. Amov

    6. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
    three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
    him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
    between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying
    my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
    seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
    had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and
    he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
    I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
    didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have
    had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one
    more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
    yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE
    MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their
    tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple
    made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

    7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
    embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
    before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
    story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
    have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,
    where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
    leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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  3. Funny S**t   -   #2
    zacspeed's Avatar Pheasant plucker
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    No. 5 Is Funny

  4. Funny S**t   -   #3
    Wolfmight's Avatar Poster BT Rep: +1
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location: Location:

  5. Funny S**t   -   #4

  6. Funny S**t   -   #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2003

  7. Funny S**t   -   #6
    ahh nice to burn some calories laughing at these

  8. Funny S**t   -   #7
    Two little stories which happened to me:

    When I moved to London about 10 years ago, I bought a wonderful guitar which I needed a bit of fixing. I went to a guitarshop in Denmark street, looking for a tremolo unit, but I didn't know what it was called - so I accosted the salesman with a rough translation from my language:
    "Hi, I need a vibrator arm...."

    I was working with an American lady and we had this afternoon ritual of nipping out for a cup of coffee and a cigarette. One afternoon, I had a little Freudian slip and asked her:
    "Coming down for a coffee and a shag?"
    She didn't notice it and said yes.... I turned around and realized that the lady who owned the company stood behind me, and told me with a blushed face very quietly:
    "Please not here at work...."

  9. Funny S**t   -   #8
    Benno's Avatar Poster
    Join Date
    Jan 2003

    You Better Keep In Mind That I Can Read Between The Lines

    Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to there level and beat you with experience!!


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