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Thread: Funny Jokes

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    GirlFriend 1.0 - Software Helpline Excerpt

    I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
    I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

    Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

    Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.

    I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally ''object-oriented.''

    A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

    I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources


    A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
    But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

    "Those are sperm cells."

    Little Johnny's Wish

    Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
    The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"


    Q: Why is sex like snow?
    A: You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

    Something Borrowed, Something Blew

    A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
    The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.''

    The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''

    The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

    The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''

    The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''

    That IS The Only Difference

    What's the difference between light and hard?

    You can go to sleep with the light on.

    Woman Says, Man Hears

    What a woman says:
    This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
    What a man hears:
    Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.

    Your Place or His

    Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place!

    Young Couple

    A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
    In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

    ''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

    ''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

    ''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

    Three men had been stuck on an island...

    Three men had been stuck on an island for ten years.
    Just when they ran out hope, one of the men found a magic lamp.

    The first man wished to be 10% smarter, and then he was able to make a fire and send morse code smoke signals for help.

    The second one wished to be 25% smarter, and suddenly he knew how to build a sturdy raft capable of getting them all off the island.

    Then the third man wished to be 50% smarter, and he turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

    A Small Problem

    A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
    The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

    Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

    ''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

    ''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

    ''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

    ''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

    ''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

    ''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

    Body Talk

    This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
    When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
    She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
    Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
    She says, "Your name didn't come up."

    Archeological Gag

    How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

    The Last Southern Virgin

    What do you call a 12 year old girl from Louisiana who's a virgin?
    Faster than her brothers. (Brintey Spears)

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  3. Funny S**t   -   #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    more jokes

    60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahh, it's cute.
    3. Who circumcised you?
    4. Why don't we just cuddle?
    5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    6. It's more fun to look at.
    7. Make it dance.
    8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
    9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
    10. It looks like a night crawler.
    11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
    13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
    14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
    15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
    16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    17. Oh no, a flash headache.
    18. (giggle and point)
    19. Can I be honest with you?
    20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
    21. Let me go get my tweezers.
    22. How sweet, you brought incense.
    23. This explains your car.
    24. You must be a growing boy.
    25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
    26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
    27. Are you one of those pygmies?
    28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
    29. Every heard of clearasil?
    30. All right, a treasure hunt!
    31. I didn't know they came that small.
    32. Why is God punishing you?
    33. At least this won't take long.
    34. I never saw one like that before.
    35. What do you call this?
    36. But it still works, right?
    37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
    38. It looks so unused.
    39. Do you take steroids?
    40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
    41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
    44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
    45. Aww, it's hiding.
    46. Are you cold?
    47. If you get me real drunk first.
    48. Is that an optical illusion?
    49. What is that?
    50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
    51. Were you neutered?
    52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
    53. Does it come with an air pump?
    54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
    55. Where are the puppet strings?
    56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
    57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
    58. Never mind, why bother.
    59. Is that a second belly button?
    60. Where's the rest of it?

    A little boy wrote to Santa ...

    One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
    Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

    A lady walks into her doctors office ...

    A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.
    She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

    The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

    The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

    My First Time

    My First Time

    The sky was dark,
    The moon was high,
    All alone,
    Just her and I.

    Her hair so soft,
    Her legs so fine,
    I ran me fingers,
    down her spine.

    I didnt know how,
    I tried my best,
    To touch her breast.

    I remembered my fear,
    But slowly she spread,
    Her legs apart,
    And when she did,
    I felt no shame.

    All at once,
    The white stuff came out!

    At last. It's finished.
    It's all over...

    My first time,

    Milking a cow.

    Annoying Boy on Bus

    A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
    The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

    The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

    The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

    women are like Toilets

    Women are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!

    Shut Up

    If my pants aren't at my ankles, don't open your mouth!

    Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

    1. Sag! You're it!
    2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
    3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
    4. Kick the bucket.
    5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
    6. Doc, doc, goose.
    7. Simon says something incoherent.
    8. Musical recliners.
    9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
    10. Hide and go pee!

    A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers

    "Hi, is Tony home?"

    "No, he went to the store."

    "Well, you mind if I wait?"

    "No, come in."

    They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

    Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

    They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

    Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

    A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

    Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

    i've got more

  4. Funny S**t   -   #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Blond Guy and HIs Lunch

    There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building."

    Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he said if I get one more bologna sandwhich I'm goona jump off of this building.

    The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.

    The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, ''Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didn't like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else. ''Finally, the blonde man's wife siad '' I don't know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.''

    American in Mexico

    There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

    The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

    The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

    Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"

    Code for Sex

    There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.'' One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said,
    ''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him.

    One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.''

    Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

    “Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

    “Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

    “Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

    “Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

    “Is this bratwurst kosher?”

    “Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

    “Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

    “This wall isn’t so great.”

    “Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

    “Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

    “You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

    “You’re like Americans without money.”

    “So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

    “I liked it better the other way.”

    “What's that smell?”

    “Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

    “Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

    “Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

    “I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

    “Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

    “What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

    “How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

    “Was John Wayne gay?”

    A Crappy Date (A True Story)

    Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
    Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

    Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

    Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

    So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

    They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

    He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (B) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

    On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

    Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

    "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

    Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

    "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

    He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

    After the Honeymoon...

    A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
    "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

    "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

    The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''

    Beer Consumption

    The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

    College Rules

    On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

    "How much for a season pass?"

    Counting Condoms

    A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
    Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

    Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

    Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

    Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

    Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

    Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

    Corporate America

    The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
    The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

    The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

    The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

    Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

    Damned if I know

    A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
    "It's a period,'' said the little boy.

    "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

    ''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."


    What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
    You come in one and you go in the other!

    Fifty-Dollar Bet

    This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.
    The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
    “But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

    Father and Son

    A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, “Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind.” The boy said, “Dad, I'm over here.”

    From Cradle to Ladle

    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
    Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

    So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

    Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love, Mom.

    Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

    Golf On The Sly

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

    "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

    Ha, The Joke's On You

    There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
    "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

    One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

    "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

    "I was , but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

    Guys vs. Girls

    Q. Why are guys faster than girls?
    A. They have a stick shift and ball bearings.

    Hiding In The Closet

    A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
    "What's up?" he asks.

    "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

    The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

    ''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

    Hired Help

    A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
    The guy says, ''Who is this?''

    ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

    ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

    The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

    The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

    The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

    The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

    The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

    The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

    The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

    The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

    The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

    Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

    A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''


    An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him
    "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole

    I'd Rather Have a Puppy

    A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
    A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

  5. Funny S**t   -   #4
    scribblec's Avatar Poster
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    great ;posts man

  6. Funny S**t   -   #5
    Microsoft related

    CHILD : Mommy... why is that BMW swerving all over the road... is the driver drunk ?
    MOTHER : No Johnny... that is a BMW equipped with the Microsoft operating system going nutz
    CHILD : Mommy... I am scared.....


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