#5: Virtuoso (3D0)
Virtuoso is the story of the greatest Rock & Roll Mega Star in the 21st century who can't take the rock and roll lifestyle. So when he's alone and away from his rocking duties, he flees superstardom and escapes into the virual world of Virtuoso. And I'm going to tell you right now, his rock and roll lifestyle would have to be him getting his face slammed in a car door all day by a robot made out of colostomy bags for Virtuoso to be a welcome escape.
The game itself is a 3D shooter with a camera located directly behind your guy. That means that anything you could possibly want to shoot is hidden from site by your own rocker's greasy mop head. Like in all games that were made only to torture you, all the enemies (you manage to catch a glimpse of) are the same one creature repeated throughout the whole game. They sometimes try to trick you by slightly changing the spiders to look like crabs, or the bats to look like terrifying half-bat/half-seagulls, but unless you're having your government-appointed handler read this to you, you'll notice. You might even be able to put up with it for a few minutes. However, you'll draw the line when you fight your way through 300 spiders just to get to the level boss who ends up being the same spider graphic as all the others, blown up to eight times its size. And... holy shit... when you kill it... it explodes into smaller spiders. Is the 3D0 trying to piss me off?
Ha ha ha ... Look, it's the future's greatest rocker!!! ha ha ha! How was the Japanese comic book store, rock star!
Most of the screen is taken up by a scan of the back of my doughy, double-chinned main character at all times, so it's hard to say what the graphics look like. Maybe in front of him there are beautifully rendered worlds of possibility. But since everything else in Virtuoso would be considered a pathetic failure by the inventor of plastic bag baby-hats, that's unlikely. And I should have mentioned by now that I am positive that whoever they used as a model for the main character is one of the game programmers at a costume party. The makers might not have known this, but people can spot the difference between I'm-a-rocker long hair and I-play-too-much-Everquest long hair.
How much has to be wrong with a person before they make a bad game about a bad imaginary rockstar playing a bad imaginary game? That's such a confusing disaster, it'd be better rock and roll game if you were playing Donkey Kong and hoping that at the same time, David Lee Roth's secretary might also be playing Donkey Kong.
Realistic Portrayal of a Mega Star Lifestyle: 0/10
Unless the Mega Star's roadies secretly give his body blowjobs and heroin while he's in virtual reality, I find it hard to believe that this guy would ever leave his panty-throwing groupies to play shitty video games in a hotel room. Of course, I'd also find it hard to believe that a janitor would leave an exploded toilet to play Virtuoso