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Thread: Social Security Sex:

  1. #1
    Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

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  3. Funny S**t   -   #2
    A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

  4. Funny S**t   -   #3
    Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

  5. Funny S**t   -   #4
    A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

  6. Funny S**t   -   #5
    Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
    bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
    Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
    rot your teeth, and make you fat."
    Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
    Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
    "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

  7. Funny S**t   -   #6

    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
    BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
    The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
    Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.
    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
    The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
    Which one is married?"
    To which Little BILLY replied, "Well, I suppose the one
    with the wedding ring on,'
    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "The correct answer 'the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." but I like your thinking."

  8. Funny S**t   -   #7
    Defense Attorney: What is your age?

    Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

    Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

    Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

    Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

    Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

    Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

    Defense Attorney: Why not?

    Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

    Defense Attorney: What happened next?

    Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

    Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

    Defense Attorney: Why not?

    Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

    Defense Attorney: What happened next?

    Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"

    Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

    Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him!!!!

  9. Funny S**t   -   #8
    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
    First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
    My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
    Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

  10. Funny S**t   -   #9
    Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi- syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi- syllable word?"
    BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
    Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
    Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."

  11. Funny S**t   -   #10
    Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
    Why?" asks the father."
    The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY
    But that's right!" says his dad.
    Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
    What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
    That's what I said!"

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