Another Joke

[baccyman]

An 83-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.
"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.

The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well," the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out..."

"We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"

[baccyman]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

[baccyman]

YOU MAY BE A REDNECK IF...

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

[baccyman]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

[baccyman]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[baccyman]

Perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator
with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian
woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful
women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

[baccyman]

Pregnant

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she
has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man,
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps
out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores,
2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories,
and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000
each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll screw her again!!!"

[baccyman]

Fish Market

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

[baccyman]

"Honey, I Can't Perform!"

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

[baccyman]

Molested

A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to
Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came
up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"

The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to
go sit back down.

10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed
SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of
wackos - who'd molest them?

10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested
too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest
stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees
in the aisle.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"

"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I
grabbed it, it ran away..."