1) How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, you anti-Semitic piece of **** – Louis Ramey
2) Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? – Adam Bloom
3) How much does a cockney pay for shampoo? Pantene
4) This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at some lights while not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said, “I’m not happy…” I replied, “Well, which one are you then?” – popbitch.com
5) A man goes to his GP and the doctor finds he has a red ring around his penis. He gives him an ointment to rub on it and tells the patient to come back the next day, “It’s all cleared up!” the man reports when he returns. “What was the medication you gave me?” “Lipstick remover.”
6) What do you call someone who covers his genitals in chickpeas and garlic? A hummusexual – popbitch.com
7) I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she replied: “Something to run around in.” So I bought her a tracksuit
8) What’s the difference between a Ritz biscuit and a lesbian? One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.
9) What’s the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
10) What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant
11) I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs – Peter Kay
12) Sex and sleep are my two favourite things. If I could do both at the same time, I’d be a happy man. I always envy my girlfriend that trick – Ed Byrne
13) I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, and I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one” – Tim Vine
14) A bloke walks past a pub and sees a sign: “Pies 50p, hand jobs £1.” He goes in and sees the most gorgeous barmaid. He says, “Are you the one who gives hand jobs for a quid?” “Yep,” she says. “Well wash your hands then, I want a pie”
15) My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night. First question was, “What the **** you looking at?”
16) I was in a bookstore the other day, and there was a third off all titles. I bought The Lion, The Witch – Jimmy Carr
17) Vodafone says it’s the largest mobile community. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s the gypsies – Jimmy Carr
18) Disabled loos. Ironically, the only loos big enough to run around in – Adam Bloom
19) Someone asked if I always drink my whisky neat. I said, “No, sometimes my shirt’s hanging out.” – Tommy Cooper
20) I used to go jogging. I went four miles a day. I did it for two weeks. I got so far away from my house I couldn’t get back – Lee Evans
21. What do you say to a German with a good-looking woman on his arm? Nice tattoo
22. I backed a horse today, at 20 to one. It came in at 20 past four – Tommy Cooper
23. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you
24. I’ve got no problems buying tampons. I’m a modern man. But apparently they’re not a “proper present” – Jimmy Carr
25. How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Give it a nipple
26. What is the cleverest thing ever to come out of a woman’s mouth? Einstein’s knob
27. Did you know that there are female hormones in beer? If you drink too much, it makes you talk **** and drive badly
28. I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her
29. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same by the dishes pile up
30. I was reading this book called The History Of Glue. Couldn’t put it down – Tim Vine
31. One-armed butlers, eh? They can take it – but they can’t dish it out – Tim Vine
32. Velcro. What a rip-off – Tim Vine
33. Jesus was a carpenter. A tradesman. You can tell he was a tradesman because he disappeared off the face of the Earth for three days with no rational explanation – Al Murray
34. I’d like to die like my old dad – peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers – Bob Monkhouse
35. I had a great business plan: I was going to build bungalows for dwarfs. There was just one tiny flaw… - Justin Edwards
36. I used to go to the playground and watch al the children run and scream… They didn’t know I was using blanks – Emo Phillips
37. They say being a hostage is difficult; but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back – Phil Nichol
38. There’s this campaign, “If you’re having sex tonight, make sure you get consent.” What sort of society is this if we have to remind people not to rape? “I’m going out tonight, few pints, some rape.” “You can’t rape. It’s illegal. Saw it on telly.” “What?! You mean you’re not allowed to rape?” – Ricky Gervais
39. They’ve recently launched a new advertisement campaign against illegal minicab drivers. It says, “If you want to know the price of an illegal mini cab, ask a rape victim.” Don’t: they go ****ing mental – Ricky Gervais
40. I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. I gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-job man in to finish off – Stephen Grant
41) When the kids in the playground discovered I had a possibly fatal allergy to peanuts, they'd push me up against the wall and force me to play Russian roulette with a packet of Revels. - Milton Jones
42) Before I got into comedy, I was a plumber for 150 years - although that's just an estimate. - Gordon Southern
43) What's the only animal that has an ******** in the middle of its back? A police horse
44) What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.
45) I've got to go to the doctor tomorrow to get a mole removed from my ****. Last time I **** one of them things. - Mike Reid
46) What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? Swim for it.
47) In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney is asked if he'd ever go down on one knee again. He replies, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."
48) How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' jammin'. - Peter Kay
49) Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife's dead.
50) How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna go bike-riding? - From the Bumper b3ta Book Of Sick Jokes
51) If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special? - Jimmy Carr
52) I have a really nice stepladder. Sadly, I never knew my real ladder. - Harry Hill
53) Why's it just Tudor houses we mock? - Harry Hill
54) My dad always used to say, "Fight fire with fire." Probably why he was sacked from the fire brigade. - Harry Hill
55) What's blue and sticky? Smurf jizz.
56) I'm still making love at 71, which is handy for me because I live at number 63. - Bob Monkhouse
57) Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice. - Tim Vine
58) What's the biggest drawback in the jungle? An elephant's foreskin.
59) What's the difference between a peeping tom and a thief? A thief snatches watches.
60) I've got a friend, whose nickname is ‘Shagger' - you may think that's cool. But she doesn't like it. - Jimmy Carr
61) I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident
62) I worry about my nan - what if she's alone in her house and she falls - does she make a sound? - Jimmy Carr
63) I was recently asked to judge Mr Gay UK. I said, "No problem: he's against nature and he's going to hell." - Jimmy Carr
64) Me and about eight mates went up Chelsea last week. Bill Clinton was ****ing furious - Frank Skinner
65) Those Harry Potter films are so unrealistic. Honestly: a ginger kid with two mates?
66) What did Britney Spears' right leg say to her left leg? Nothing, they've never been seen together
67) How did Darth Vader know what he was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents
68) Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt
69) What nursery rhyme do blondes learn as kids? Hump Me Dump Me
70) What's an Australian kiss? The same as a French kiss, but Down Under
71) Why are women like pub toilets? They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap
72) Where do you take a chav girl on a date? Up the arse
73) I met an incredible girl on the internet: smart, sexy and uninhibited. Of course, it turned out to be a 12-year-old paraplegic boy. I'll be honest, the sex was disappointing
74) A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future... and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020 - Rich Hall
75) I stopped a bloke from Wigan on the way to the football and asked him, "Excuse me mate, how do you get to the JJB Stadium?" He goes, "My brother takes me." - Dave Spikey
76) I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high" - Tim Vine
77) How many Chelsea fans does it take to pave a driveway? Depends how thinly you slice them
78) What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gag
79) Why doesn't Michael Barrymore keep ashtrays in the house? Because he puts the fags out in the swimming pool
80) Did you know that it took Stevie Wonder 8 years to write ‘Superstition'? He dropped his pencil on the first day
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