Kaz's Jokes

[summond_skull]

reply and tell me if u find these jokes funny.

i wanna make this a thread so reply with ur own jokes as well thanx.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.


How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)

How do you tell a Canadian from an American?

It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he'd say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it's starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.

Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.

Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.

Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".

The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".

But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.

Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" - pronounced "ay?" This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.

[summond_skull]

dumb laws

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.


Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.


While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.


A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.


It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.


Carmel
A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.


Greene
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.


New York
You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.


Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".


Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.


It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."


Ocean City
It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.


It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.


Staten Island
It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."


You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.

Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine. -Sec. 97-35-37


Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.


Columbus
The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.


Oxford
Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited.


It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.


Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses.


One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square.


Tylertown
It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street.

[summond_skull]

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.


You may not step out of a plane in flight.

After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

Augusta
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.


Portland
Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.


It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.

A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.


Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.


There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office.


Clawson
There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.


Detroit
Alligators may not be tied to fire hydrants.


It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. According to history and animal husbandry, it prevents them from "rooting" in the ground for their food.


Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.


It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.


Grand Haven
No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.


Harper Woods
It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.


Kalamazoo
It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.


Rochester
All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police.


Soo
Smoking while in bed is illegal.


Wayland
Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day.

[summond_skull]

Yo mama is so poor
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!

Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.

Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.

Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."

Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.

[summond_skull]

Yo mama is so lazy

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.


Burger joint conversations nationwide

M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."

[summond_skull]

here r a few insults

A collection of insults!

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Eventually, you will get what you asked for.

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!

You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!

[summond_skull]

car bumbers stickers

love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[summond_skull]

more car bumber jokes

If you are psychic - think "HONK"

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

"MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

a lot of people r viewing this topic but know one is repling com on just remember ur high school days and u'll remember plenty of jokes

[summond_skull]

ok........ this is hly iegular but here's jokes on computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

[summond_skull]

Don't say this to a cop

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?