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Thread: Chuck Norris

  1. #1
    angryghost's Avatar Get In Ma BELLY! BT Rep: +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55BT Rep +55
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    I came across a few jokes that made me laugh pretty hard:
    • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
    • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    • The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
    • There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
    • Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
    • Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
    • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
    • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
    I know this is probably pretty stupid but im bored.. and this stuff is pretty good.

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  3. Funny S**t   -   #2
    2 Million Ways BT Rep: +7BT Rep +7
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    Jan 2008
    the last one is very cool :

  4. Funny S**t   -   #3
    delimare's Avatar Polyamorous BT Rep: +2
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    Mar 2006
    Chuck Norris FTW!

  5. Funny S**t   -   #4
    bigboab's Avatar Poster BT Rep: +1
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    Jul 2003

    I keep getting Chuck Norris mixed up with Chuck Connors.
    Connors was better with a rifle.
    Age is getting to me. I thought patio doors was an Irish country singer.

  6. Funny S**t   -   #5
    tyman's Avatar Poster BT Rep: +3
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    Jan 2008
    i love the chuck norris fav. is the apple one

  7. Funny S**t   -   #6
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    Apr 2007
    chuck norris jokes its very well

  8. Funny S**t   -   #7
    rippinitup4fun's Avatar alt.binaries.*
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    Jun 2007
    East Coast
    I love these jokes they always make me laugh.

    "Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship"

    "There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live."

    Last edited by rippinitup4fun; 01-13-2008 at 10:48 PM.

  9. Funny S**t   -   #8
    Chuck Norris rulez lol

  10. Funny S**t   -   #9
    Lol Chuck The best of everyone

  11. Funny S**t   -   #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Here are some more jokes about Chuck. I got them of some site a while ago. Now that I read them again, I can't stop laughing.....

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

    Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

    If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

    On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

    When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

    Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

    Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

    God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

    When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

    Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
    A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

    Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

    Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

    If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

    Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

    Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

    Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

    Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

    Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
    One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

    Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

    Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

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