Due to the current financial situation management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retirement Aged Personnel Early)
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependant or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retires Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring this to the attention of your Manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
damn did i piss myself readin this