Notes from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judges' table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges and (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge one: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli 2: Arthur's Afterburner chilli
Judge one: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeņo tang.
Judge two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge one: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge two: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the drill by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all the beer.
Chilli 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge one: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but it was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge one: Meaty strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge two: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chilli 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge one: Thin yet bold vegetarian chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric fumes. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems to be inclined to stand behind me except Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone!
Chilli 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge one: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on tinned canned peppers.
Judge two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in though the four inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
A perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge two: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
Frank: ----------Judge 3 unable to report.