Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon
after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she
remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her
second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately
she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she
lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you
mean
Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
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There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this
little
girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, "What's under there?"
So the man answers, "A bird."
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in
a
hospital and in great pain.
A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"
The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep
after
talking to a little girl."
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find
any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the man was
talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, "I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was
sleeping, I
played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck,
burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!!"
WHAT..................
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know You'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and
confided
to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we
stripped
off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love
when her goddamned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my
fingernails!
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went
on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked
already! Let me just take a leak'.
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right
onto
my head?"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head.
"No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really got to me." Next, I had
to
listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband
tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land ? "My
damned
forehead !"
"Damn, that really is a drag !" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the
husband
had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck
his
ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY
REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet
were
only SIX inches off the ground!!"
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