Found these scattered around the web..
enjoy!
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too."
Mrs Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test, but if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know.
The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of where I only have two?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."
Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some ?Who am I? questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?" Johnny: "Arrow."
Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
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A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered.
The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Little Johnny: "Yes."
The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?"
Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower."
The Salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Little Johnny: "Yes."
The Salesman: "Well can I see her?"
Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.."
The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Little Johnny: "No."
The salesman asked why.
Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."
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Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
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Johnny comes home from school, and mom asks how the day was. Johnny replies, "Mom it was one of the best days ever! We learned about biology and after class I had sex with my teacher!"
Johnny mother starts screaming at him. "What have you done? Go to your room wait until you father hears about this!"
When dad comes home, mother immediately sends him to Johnny's room. "Son, what happened at school today?"
"Well, dad, we learned about biology and after class I had sex with my teacher!"
Father smiles. "Look son, I know your mother is upset, but to tell you the truth, I am proud of you. Today you have become a man, and learned to enjoy life a little bit. So, if you promise to look sad all day tommorow, and keep this a secret, we can go outside right now and take a spin on the new bike I just bought you!!!"
Johnny, looks at dad, grateful for the gift. "Dad!!! Thanks so much, I can;t wait to go ride it, but I can't today because my ass still hurts."
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
Little Johnny shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."
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One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S+M magazine.
This was highly upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said,
"This is what I found in your son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said,
"Well I don't think you should spank him."
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he
asked.
"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with
a tissue.
"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.
Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.
The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."
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Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."
"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
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Dear Jesus
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Johnny
Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Johnny
Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny
Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do.
Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.
He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:
Jesus,
I've got your mamma. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who
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A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
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