Subject: Contagious
There was a classroom of young children, the teacher
says "today children
I want you to give me an example of how and when you
would use the word contagious"
Little Sarah says " My brother has got measles and my
mum says that we must not go to close to him as it is
contagious"
Teacher : "Well done Sarah"
Billy says " I know Miss my dad has got the flu and he
can't kiss us goodnight because he says it is very
contagious"
Teacher : Well done Billy
Johnny speaks out in a broad Irish accent and says "My
dad came in from the backyard last night and he said,
that stupid next door neighbor is painting his house
with a 2 inch paint brush and.....
it's going to take the contagious."
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note - must do more sit ups.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with
43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure its clean.
Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner
enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for
fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it
has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes toilet and you
lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit,
tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an
hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at
her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in
your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirro and
scratch your arse.
Fart.
Get in the shower.
Dont bother to look for a washcloth (you dont use
one).
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just
rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and
surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the
soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo mohican.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the
mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the
curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire
wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the
floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with the towel around your
waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,
shake your wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound
again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Get dressed in under two minutes.
Fart.
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President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour.
What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III. This time we're
going to kill 40 million Iraqis and one blonde with big hooters."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big hooters? Why kill a
blonde with big hooters?"
Bush turns to Blair, punches him on the shoulder and
says, "See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry
about the 40 million Iraqis! Let's ROLL!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and now a local joke.....if you live in southern uk you will get it
BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!! BREAKING NEWS!!
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Portsmouth in
the early hours of Wednesday 14th Aug 2003.
Epicentre: Fratton, Portsmouth .
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering
"mentill " and " innit". The earthquake decimated the area causing
approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of
mementos from theBalearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond
repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many
locals were woken well before their benifit giro's arrived.
Portsmouth Evening News reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay britney Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning.".
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight and chicken nuggets to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?? This appeal
is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate
to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, the
most needed include: > Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit
tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport
boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be
harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs
include; Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of
Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation
forms, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9,
£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of
those affected. Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of
posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas.
lol
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