JUST IN FROM SCOTTISH TV***
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit
Scotland in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Glasgow
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "Whit the Fuck"
and "Ur ye aw right ya awl cnt". The earthquake decimated the area
causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of
mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond
repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals
were woken well before their giro arrived.
Scotland Today reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in the area. One resident - Tracy Shazney
Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest
two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking
when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as
normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are
still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of
personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth
Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundstrecher.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought
after, the most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa
tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport
socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Matalan. Food
parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required
foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and
cans of Colt 45 or bottles of Buckie.
22p buys a biro for filling in the
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and bottles of ginger for a family of 9,
£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&Hs and a lighter to calm the nerves
of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of
posh housing is unfair on the population of Glasgow.