it's been a long time since i've really just sat down and poured the contents of my heart onto digital paper. but then i have to wonder if after this great a time my emotions on all current matter will hold me back from saying everything i really want to say. to help myself into this process, i've started a completely new journal and plan on keeping it a secret until such a time that i see it's safe for me to reveal myself.
episode 1::the end of the world::
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it wasn't too long ago that i couldn't even looking at myself in the mirror without second guessing who i was looking at. whether or not the events that unfolded were just all in my head and created by my subconscious desire to be anywhere and anyone but me, i'll never know.. but the fact remains that something did happen to me, something i don't care to revisit, but still something i must explain here.. if only to myself.
the setting was galion ohio. after several periods of homelessness, some shared with other ravers, and some in seclusion brought on by my self pity of being left for dead (alone) once more. i found myself not too far from where i had previously suffered and felt helpless to do anything. don't get me wrong, i was with good people, who helped me through a lot... might i even say saved my life... i was not content with who and where i was. i hated my job and everyone i worked with, with the exception of this one girl with a 'johnny the homicidal maniac' tattoo, who vanished without a trace one day. the answer came to me in the reminiscence of my past experiences with dxm. i had seen and known things prior to their taking place, while not considered too strange to most, this idea grew ridiculously (possibly not, but for the sake of explanation, i will say i was wrong) in my mind and i was soon living a daily delusion. the feeling that i was not in control was so strong at times i thought again of killing myself, but something wouldn't let me.. it was seemingly obvious enough that i was myself and someone else at the same time. not in the cliche fight club sense, but definitely i was finding it very difficult to focus on or control my own actions. i began writing under the name adrian, and i began telling everyone i knew that i was going away.. the writing i had been doing was for them, and it included cryptic messages; dxm related stories; and songs and poems i had written in the previous couple years. i remember writing this... but at the same time, i don't remember it.. i can't tell you what it says because i don't remember. but i know i have it in a file somewhere and i'll post a link to it HERE soon. I started having ideas relating to the end of the world and mass chaos.. sitting here now i can look at it and say i was wrong, but at the time it was real.. maybe just to me, but real none the less. not even the span of a week had passed yet. i came to one night in the upstairs bathroom shaving the last of my hair off the back of my head. at the time i remember entering that bathroom, i was planning to take a shower, and several hours had passed since then. i obviously wasn't myself. a couple days after, i had quit my much hated job, done a great job of scaring a couple people (tho that was not the intention), and was off to leave the state. if you know me at all, you know that didn't happen, something stopped me at the last second, and i slipped out of my distressing state. for the time being.
episode 2::phreaky deaky 3::
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after little thought of were i was going or what i was doing, i managed to find myself among friends.... no friends is the wrong word... temporary allies in an upper class suburb of dayton. i don't really know how i've managed to settle here even as well as i have, but that's thought for an entirely different day. the setting is centerville, and i am currently living with my friend nina and sleeping on her couch. nina's always been nice to me, and we get along quite well, in fact.. in the beginning i almost had myself convinced that i was attracted to her in some way.. maybe it's that irresistible raverslut appeal and the thought of fucking her bent over a table pulling back her head with her little braids.. but i guess that is off topic. this feeling quickly passed but things were still good, she was lonely after having lost mouse, and i had nowhere to go. and now to present the main focus of this segment of my recall of the events that have passed in the creation of today: phreaky deaky 3 was my first party in a long time, as usual a lot of my really good friends were involved in stupid drama a few times that night. still unknown to me, what provoked me to buy a pill. i still have to get the picture of that pill developed, but be sure when i do, i'll post it HERE. but that's exactly what i did, i took a chance on E and i rolled for the first time ever. a notable moment in that night: i met sylvia and shelly who are from kentucky. but the main focus of my roll, was my obsession with sarah. and for me to get the full point across here, i have to backtrack even more to the free party at hirum. sarah and frank had gone together to pick up mighty mouse.. at a time before they were together, and sarah had eaten a pill that night. it really doesn't matter what happened, most people assumed they were just off fucking the shit out of each other, but they said they got lost, and again it doesn't really matter. when they got back everyone (steph, trissy, ashley, joey, e, dan, probably a few people i can't remember, and myself) was either pissed at them or worried to death (overreaction?) for some reason everyone was pissed and when sarah and frank walked back through the door 5mins after the party ended, i had to redirect them and explain that everyone was flipping. soon we were outside and once all the yelling had stopped, i was standing with sarah, and she was crying.. i couldn't understand what i felt in that moment, nothing has ever touched me like the look on her face that day. i loved sarah, in that moment i loved sarah with all of my soul, i kissed her forehead, and i never got over that. --return to pd3-- after i was rolling, i found sarah, and kept her to myself. i was cuddling with her and staring into her eyes all night, i wanted to kiss her and keep her forever. she even kept frank away from us for awhile... not long enough for me. to keep from going through this story again, i'll tell you that i rolled with sarah again at helloween, and much the same thing happened, and we even kissed, but in the end she was frank's and i couldn't have her no matter how much i needed her.
__even if i feel the same now, and i don't. i ignore it, sarah can't feel what i felt. so i can't be with her. i accept this a continue the search for my love.__
episode 3::bugs in the mirror::
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my previous thought that once you know, or have a general idea of what's wrong with you is flawed... the point i missed is that you also have to fall as far as you possibly can, and still make it back alive. i was again unhappy with my life, my job, where i lived, and add the stress of a non-working car in cold weather. i had been talking to this really cool girl before this happened, but something about her scared me and i stopped talking to her completely, stopped seeing her completely.. and then there was a familiar young woman i now refer to as pixie, that i began speaking with again. i don't know what sparked my sudden re interest in her, infact i know she asked a question kinda like that once, before this time the only times i had spoken to her was when luke was fucking nina, and she was worried that her boyfriend was cheating on her. at the time i really hadn't seen them doing anything, so i told her this, but i should have known what was going on... and that i was offering the false hope to this lovestruck girl, that her boyfriend was not banging nina (who while i'm going into such a broad range of detail, started ignoring him, after specifically trying to get him to leave his girlfriend)... it was this first time talking to kayci that i decided that she was interesting to me, and i soon found i had a lot in common with her. for some reason i didn't talk to her much for awhile, then it picked back up a little while (not sure the exact date) before i almost died. i'm unsure of the events leading up to this in their entirety, but from what i do remember, and what i've heard i'll try to make this as accurate as possible. i was sitting on the couch watching a movie called "waking the dead" and i was thinking of going to sleep. at this point what i actually did, and what i remember doing are very skewed i went to speedway and got tomato juice and pepperoni sticks, also there i must have bought the atleast 3 tubes of dramamine from the bargain bin as justin tells me they were. the total contents of those tubes was almost 2g of dramamine. if there was more than this, i left no proof as i left the packaging for these in the trash. i remember falling asleep to the movie, and waking up very confused. at that time i didn't know what was wrong i tried to sit up and watch the movie, but i was very itchy and i had to pee i think... not sure if i really did or just went to the bathroom in confusion. a few minutes in the bathroom i do remember, i smoked a cigarette, somehow dropped my lighter into the toilet (at the time i thought the lighter was my phone), and i opened the closet to get a towel to take a shower. then it all went to fucking shit. random flashes of events, that nowhere nearly add up to a whole. standing in the shower wearing my socks in the dark, i didn't even notice when the water got cold. throwing up over and over again... enough to clog the bathtub drain. eventually the water began overflowing and water and stomach acid/bits of food covered many things in the bathroom. the shower walls were smeared with the pinkish red liquid i had brought into existence from my stomach, a thick paste covered the shower curtain, and what was floating in the water was probably not pretty either. at some point i slipped in hit my head while i was in the shower, leaving a large gash by my right eye, hell i don't know how i didn't drown. the earliest memory i do have after "going completely insane" was a voice screaming at me to turn off the water... even that task took what seemed like hours, as i kept drifting out of conscious control. i was unable even to get dressed. luckily for me i was still wearing my socks from my shower... by the time i was out of the bathroom, they had dried entirely. i remember from time to time looking in the mirror and seeing someone besides myself looking back. adrian was in my eyes, and there were bugs in the mirror. i don't know how long i sat naked on the floor before i was able to even crouch enough to try putting some clothes on. but i managed to put all of nina's kandi on that was sitting on the counter. and i also remember grabbing someone's change.. but i didn't mean to. i even have subtle memories of someone hitting me near the door, i can't prove it, i can't even guess who, i just have this idea of someone hitting me. which is more than possibly just an abstract idea i came up with at the time. i was out of sorts to say the least for the next 2 days. then i was fine, and i felt free, safe... and adrian was gone.
" i live under every letter on this page,
and exist in your every breath.
my name is adrian,
and i will never die. "
you were wrong. i have fallen, and survived the journey.
episode 4::return to solstice::
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halloween 2003 was seeming the most interesting day to me since i accidentally grounded myself to my car battery. i returned to nina's after work, to find the power out, and find everyone still there, waiting for james. nina started to be overdramatic about the feel of the night, and insinuating that we were all going to die. we didn't. we didn't even come close. after getting completely lost thanks to nina's impecible sense of direction, we finally made it to the party at 12:30 and it was no longer halloween. i started off the day by buying myself 2 pills through james, then helping sarah buy one. after about an hour we were beginning our roll. i kept sarah with me for the reasons previously mentioned, but somewhere we ended up apart. re enter sylvia and shelly. we were all rolling, and they decided i was going to be their boyfriend for the night..ok!...i wasn't about to argue with that in my state of mind. we all messed around a little bit and the three of us kissed at once. this all went on for a few hours as far as i know. before i decided that i liked shelly, and sylvia understood, staying with sarah?! not sure how that one happened. anyway continuing on: if you know me at all, you know everything is fucked when aaron decides he's in love... and i'm suseptable to making bad decisions when i'm rolling for the 2nd time on two really good pills. i basicly decided (and with help mind you) that i was in love with shelly, and that we were going to spend lots of time together. to this day i've seen the girl twice and both times we fucked around with nothing to prove for it, and cuddled, and talked about her boyfriend. i actually almost had a nervous breakdown one night when i drove home from her house, stupid me. anyway, she's dumb, only wants to fuck me and suck my cock, and as much as it pains my hornyness to say this, i need her stupid bullshit games like i need a coffee pot up my ass... happy new year shelly, stop calling me.
episode 5::pixie::
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i've never been really big into new years eve parties, but i was hoping this year it could be different. i had talked to kayci earlier in the day and she said that she would be there too. i told her we should hang out sometime in the night, and i think she reluctantly agreed with me. at the party i passed her about 15 to 20 times after saying hi to her twice, my eyes locked onto her each time she passed, and i caught her looking at me a few times. i finally found my pills at a bad price, and sarah and i took them together, and after awhile we were rolling, sometime after that point i ended up running into kayci and i latched onto her, and i'd like to believe her to i. ofcourse as usual this is the point that i will remind myself that i rarely ever know what's going on around me and my mind makes things up. we wandered around and cuddled together most of the night and i think i was with her at midnight, but i don't remember that detail. towards the end of the evening we talked kind of seriously, she mentioned that she had thought i just wanted to get in her pants. i assured her that was not my intention, although i would not object to getting in her pants, i really enjoyed her company and cuddlyness.
somewhere else around this same time she asked me to come home with her, it took at bit of work going to an afterparty we didn't want to be at, then meeting bethany so i could drop off my roommates at her house so i could spend time alone with kayci. my sweet pixie, i don't know what will happen next, but it's almost nice not knowing exactly what to expect every single moment... and i hope to spend more time with you over the next year. i wonder what's going on in your head, and if you feel the same way, but there's so many things in the way.
you did say to go for what you want, no matter what the cost.
i'll take your advice as far as i can pixie
...
cold nights,
and uncertain tomorrows.
--aaron
Originally Posted by rejectOfAllah
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somewhere else around this same time she asked me to come home with her, it took at bit of work going to an afterparty we didn't want to be at, then meeting bethany so i could drop off my roommates at her house so i could spend time alone with kayci. my sweet pixie, i don't know what will happen next, but it's almost nice not knowing exactly what to expect every single moment... and i hope to spend more time with you over the next year. i wonder what's going on in your head, and if you feel the same way, but there's so many things in the way.
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