Last one to post wins the internets (archived)

[mjmacky]

I don't know, I bought some glue that is specifically designed to be an alternative to bandages, and I couldn't wait to cut myself.

[Artemis]

That's like someone getting a kevlar vest, then waiting for some one to shoot him in the chest with a high powered sniper rifle, just so he can boast that he is wearing such a vest. As for me, I'd rather use my hands and count my blessings that we have fine summer to look forward to. No one should wish for an arctic winter, just to try out a pair of gloves.

I don't know about you, but it's the middle of a beautiful summer here..... It's just really weird seeing all the Christmas scenes with snow and everyone dressed warmly while it's scorching hot and everyone relaxes and goes to the beach or has a barbecue on Christmas day.

[TheFoX]

I don't know, I bought some glue that is specifically designed to be an alternative to bandages, and I couldn't wait to cut myself.

Try Superglue. It was originally designed to stick flesh back together, and has found markets in other sticky areas. I use it a lot when I slice my hands with all the crap I have to handle. Metal fillings, slivers and swarf can all cause all manner of injuries, and the old SG works a treat at closing fissures in the skin.

[TheFoX]

That's like someone getting a kevlar vest, then waiting for some one to shoot him in the chest with a high powered sniper rifle, just so he can boast that he is wearing such a vest. As for me, I'd rather use my hands and count my blessings that we have fine summer to look forward to. No one should wish for an arctic winter, just to try out a pair of gloves.

I don't know about you, but it's the middle of a beautiful summer here..... It's just really weird seeing all the Christmas scenes with snow and everyone dressed warmly while it's scorching hot and everyone relaxes and goes to the beach or has a barbecue on Christmas day.

It always makes me laugh when they film Christmas scenes in the middle of summer. Of course, they need to plan six months ahead, because they are vapid individuals who cannot even control their own bowel movements, and the celebs they employ to promote their product or service probably wants Chritsmas off anyway (I know it is Christmas, but those born in Essex, such as Joey, have trouble with the alphabet, or telling the time).

[TheFoX]

I think a better gadget would be the phone cock. It is a condom with bluetooth connectivity that connects to your smartphone, and allows your secretary to give you head while answering your phone. It is also brilliant if your missus catches you getting head, as you can simply tell her that your secretary was answering the phone (in her stockings and suspenders).

Alternatively, the fanny mike would also be a good gadget to have. You could have a conversation while munching.

[megabyteme]

Alternatively, the fanny mike would also be a good gadget to have. You could have a conversation while munching.

fanny[ˈfænɪ]n pl -nies Slang

1. Taboo Brit the female genitals

2.Chiefly US and Canadian the buttocks

To each his own...

[Mr. Mulder]

Morning slags

just me and a couple others in t'office today, no bawbag bosses or project managers. Today I will mostly be taking one million smoke breaks and doing whatever the heck i flipping want to

[chalice]

Went for a job interview this morning in the Siberian wilderness of Airport Road West. The most westerly of all roads known to humankind. Spent the week previous doing masterly sums and swotting up on income tax law like a Pickwickian slaveling. I was aware of a stipulated aptitude test, so I did my utmost to program my battered grey matter to accommodate formulas untold and not very interesting. All for nought, of course. When I sat down to do the test a heavy, blinding mist descended and I fucked it up to the max. Knew it. Considered walking out there and then. Interview be fucked. I didn't though.

Luckily I was put immediately at my ease by two women of certain ages. Women of certain ages are my forte. My comfort zone, as it were. I flapped my jaw like a good'un and suddenly an hour had passed. I had them enraptured. Never had they encountered such charm, wit, aplomb, desperation. Left the building like I was fucking Elvis, knowing I'd botched aforementioned test and I might as well submerge myself in the conveniently positioned Irish Sea and forget all about it.

Trudged a sorry retreat back into Belfast. Four and half torrential miles, feeling sorry for myself and had a consolatory pint in the cheapest dive I could find with comfortable seats. Overwhelmed by solitude I took a bus home. Despised everyone on the bus with their Christmas cheer and cumbersome over-wrapped luggage. Got a phone call from the agency wot arranged the interview. I only went and fucking got the fucking job, innit. Start January 6th.

Thing is, now I'm birthing hippoes cos it's subject to a security screening. Remember I got cautioned for dope possession? Therein lies my fret. If that shows up I'm fucked. Nothing is ever simple. I borrowed all that charisma for nothing and now I've gotta pay it back with interest.

[Artemis]

You got cautioned, you didn't get nicked, you aren't the next Ronny Biggs, it isn't even a diversion, just a smack on the hand with a soggy bus ticket 'Oi spotty if I catch you at that again......'.
So Mr Master Criminal I don't think you are going to rate a blip on the collective radar screen. Now if you if you had been using you cock in a puppet show at the local kindergarten....

[chalice]

Those were calming words, Artifice, but are you a fucking solicitor or what? Cos if you're not, you're just filling me full of ill-founded bollocks.

Convince me, with internets evidence that the words you speak are true. What the fuck would you know anyway? You live in New Zealand, for fuck sake. They haven't gotten round to actually having their laws written down.