Daily Jokes

[Pikachu]

Jim came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his coworkers, Ted, noticed and asked Jim what happened. Jim replied: "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Ted said: "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Jim responded: "I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Playoffs and I put my foot through the television."

[Pikachu]

Q: What should you do if ever you're attacked by a vicious gang of clowns?

A: Go for the juggler.

[Pikachu]

A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk:

"I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."

"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replied: "but we can't do that."

"Why not?" the man asked: "You did it last time!"

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The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains: "So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall: "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."

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A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel clerk when meals were served.
"Breakfast is served from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m., dinner from 12 p.m. to 3 p.m., and supper from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m.," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise: "When am I ever going to get time to see the city?"

[Pikachu]

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently: "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"

He shrugs and says: "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the halls."

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Q: What should you do if ever you're attacked by a vicious gang of clowns?

A: Go for the juggler.

[Pikachu]

Jones applied to a collection agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job. Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount.

"Amazing!" the manager said: "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied: "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

[Pikachu]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant: "And it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[Pikachu]

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A: Marry it.

[Pikachu]

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories: "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whisky, a pistol and a knife. He drank the whisky during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 enemies. He shot 15, stabbed 3 and killed the last 2 with his bare hands."

"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.

"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

[Pikachu]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic that the engine has died. The mechanic works on it and, after a few minutes, has the car idling smoothly.

“What's the story?” she asks.

“Just crap in the carburetor,” he replies.

“Really?” she asks: “How often do I have to do that?”

[Pikachu]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband: "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked: "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied: "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued: "I just can't take that chance."