We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down all the time.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = golf. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
6. Crying is blackmail.
7. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
8. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
9. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
11. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
13. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 3 hours.
14. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us oggle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how best to do it, just do it yourself.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercial breaks.
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
20. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
21. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
22. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
23. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
24. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
25. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss motor bikes.
26. You have enough clothes.
27. You have too many shoes.
28. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some porno where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
29. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
30. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.