A bra and a set of jumperleads walk into a bar.
The bra says " Two whiskeys thanks"
The barman says "Sorry, but you've had enough"
"What do ya mean??" asks the bra
The barman replies "Well, your off your tits and your mates trying to start something"
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bloody bike."
Three women,a Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde were walking across a paddock in Ireland when they came across a leprachaun who owned a magical slide. 'You may have one ride down the slide, and whatever you call out on the way down you will land in'. So the Brunette climbed the slide, slid down and shouted 'Money!', so she landed in money. The Redhead was next, so she climbed the slide and as she slid down she cried 'Gold!', so she landed in gold.
The Blonde was last, and as she slid down the slide she cried 'Wheee!' so she landed in......
Q. Whats the difference between a computer & a woman?
A. A computer doesn't laugh at a 3.5 inch Floppy.
Q. What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen at the drive-in theatre?
A. Don't ever take her to the drive-in again!