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Thread: Sexist Jokes Male And Female

  1. #1
    Leech_Killer's Avatar Poster
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    What is the cleverest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
    Einstein's cock.

    When a woman makes a fool of a man it's usually an improvement.

    If your wife comes out of the kithen nagging what's wrong?
    Her chain's to long.

    Q. What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
    A. A widower.

    What's worse than a male chauvinist pig
    A woman who won't do as she is told.

    What is the only bad thing about a 69?
    The view.

    Why are men like carpets?
    If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

    What’s the most affective contraceptive known to man?
    Wedding cake.


    Please add more.

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  3. Funny S**t   -   #2
    Leech_Killer's Avatar Poster
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    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.

    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

    Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander?
    A: It's too little to be out alone.

    Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
    A: The man.

    Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
    A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

  4. Funny S**t   -   #3
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    What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells?
    Pregnant.

    How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
    Don't know. Its never been done.

    A statistic showed that women talk two times more than men.
    It's because they need to explain everything twice, so that men can understand.

    In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
    Then God created man and rested.
    Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor Man have rested.

    How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

    What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
    When they remove half the brain.

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    I dated this girl for two years and then the nagging started:
    "I wanna know your name..."

    Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

    Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course... At least he'll shut up after you let him in!

    One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
    The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

    What are the two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
    1- No mind.
    2- No business.

    How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    He thinks "harass" is two words: "her ass".

    How many women does it take to paint a wall?
    It depends on how hard you throw them.

    Why did the woman cross the road?
    Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen?




    Please I don't mean to offend any woman with these jokes. That's just what these are: jokes.
    I have nothing against women... I think every man should own one.


  5. Funny S**t   -   #4
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    Why did the man cross the road?
    He heard the chicken was a slut.

    Why don't women blink during foreplay?
    They don't have time.

    Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
    They won't stop to ask directions.

    What do men and sperm have in common?
    They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

    How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer.

    What is the difference between men and government bonds?
    The bonds mature.

    Why are blonde jokes so short?
    So men can remember them.

    How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    We don't know; it has never happened.

    Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
    They all already have boyfriends.

    What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    A Widow.

    Why are married women heavier than single women?
    Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
    Married Women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

    How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
    His hand caught fire.

    How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes.

    What did God say after creating Adam?
    I must be able to do better than that.

    What did God say after creating Eve?
    "Practice makes perfect."

    How are men and parking spots alike?
    Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

    What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    They are married.

    Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
    God says: "So you would love her."
    "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
    God says: "So she would love you."

  6. Funny S**t   -   #5
    Ron's Avatar Poster
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    Why does a woman have one braincell more than a cow?
    So she won't cr*p in the kitchen.

    What do you get if you turn a blonde upside down?
    A brunette with bad breath.

  7. Funny S**t   -   #6
    kAb's Avatar Poster
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    If a man speaks in the woods and there aren't any women around, is he still wrong?



    (i'm sorry i couldn't remember exactly how it was phrased, anyone else know this one and the correct way to say it?)

  8. Funny S**t   -   #7
    What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

    Well, you've told her twice.


    What does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

    They both leak when they are f***ed.


    What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

    Fridges don't fart when you pull the meat out.




    btw I do not condone beating women, it's a joke.

  9. Funny S**t   -   #8
    Leech_Killer's Avatar Poster
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    Q: What does WIFE stand for?
    A: Washing Ironing F$$king Etc

    Q: Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
    A: Because they are all perfect assholes.

    Q: What's the definition of a woman?
    A: Life support for a vagina

    Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
    A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

    Q: How do you blind a woman?
    A: Put a windscreen in front of her face.

    Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
    A: Men always miss them.

    Q: Why do they call it PMT?
    A: Because Mad Cow disease was already taken

  10. Funny S**t   -   #9
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    C'mon girls, I need some support in here!

  11. Funny S**t   -   #10
    100%'s Avatar ╚════╩═╬════╝
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    Just for U Curley - looking thru anti men sites made me realize you girls really have a
    deranged sense of humor -many where not funny

    What do you call a woman without an asshole?
    Divorced.

    What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
    The man.

    Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
    He wouldn't ask for directions.

    When do you care for a man's company?
    When he owns it.

    A farmer and his wife are in bed. He reaches forward and feels her breasts.
    He says "you know if these were bigger we wouldn't need the cow"
    She reaches back to feel his penis and says "If this was bigger we wouldn't need the farm manager"

    Q: How are men and linolium alike?
    A: If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the rest of your life!



    If a man stands in a corner with his hands in his pockets, he
    isn't feeling crazy.
    He is feeling nuts.

    Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
    important.


    Scientists say: Men who listen to classical music tend not to
    spit.

    Men, Just children with paychecks.

    Do you always tell your husband when you've had an
    orgasm?
    No way! I'm not going to call home every time

    Why is virginity like a balloon?
    All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

    When does a man know when to stop having sex?
    When he has had his orgasm.

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