Another Joke

[baccyman]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[baccyman]

who is god

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

[Reemus]

nice set of jokes there dude

[baccyman]

thanks Reemus . i ll post some more as i get them

[baccyman]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[baccyman]

Two rats lived in a sewer. One day, one said to the other, "I'm
bloody sick of this life, you know. All we ever do is eat shit;
shit for breakfast, shit for dinner, shit for tea... I've had
enough of it!"

His mate said, "Oh, cheer up, you miserable git! Let's have a
night out on the piss!"

[baccyman]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about
their sons...

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we
obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St
Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly
the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

[baccyman]

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I
think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around
to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds
the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They
have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

[baccyman]

A girl goes to her mother and says: "Mum, I think I'm pregnant"

The mother says: "But didn't I tell you to take the necessary
measures?"

The daughter replies: "But thats just what I did, I measured them
all and then went with the biggest..."

[baccyman]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for
orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When
you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear
them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and
a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"