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Thread: Things Actually Said/asked In Court!

  1. #1
    99shassan's Avatar Poster BT Rep: +1
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    These were actually asked in the court of law. Check these out

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July Fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No
    Q: So, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No
    Q: How can you be sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting in a jar.
    Q: But could you be sure that the patient have still been alive netherless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

    This was obtained from my local newspaper.
    Changed SPAN settings in sig a YEAR after it was removed

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  3. Funny S**t   -   #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Judge: "Stop masticating, young man"
    Defendant promptly removes hands from pocket.
    On a given day or given circumstance, you think you have a limit.
    And you then go for this limit and you touch this limit and you think "Ok, this is the limit".
    As soon as you touch this limit, something happens and you suddenly can go a little bit further.
    With your mind power, your determination, your instinct and the experience as well, you can fly very high.

    - Ayrton Senna, R.I.P.

  4. Funny S**t   -   #3
    Yea, i saw all of those things in one of those stupid magazines they have around walmart and gas stations

  5. Funny S**t   -   #4
    bujub22's Avatar THE GREAT
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    saw a funny 1 on judge judy the other day

    q- how many kids u have?
    a- 10
    q- how many women?
    a-4and 2 by your daughter
    q- what u jus say
    a- this maybe your show but it's my episode

    in all he lost

  6. Funny S**t   -   #5
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July Fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year
    I liked htis one, I'd like to see the expression on the judges face after that
    Q6600 @ 3.42Ghz | Gigabyte EP35-DS3R | EVGA 8800GT 721/1802/2006 w/ Accelero S1 | 4gb Crucial DDR2 @ 760mhz | 750gb Hitachi 7k1000 | Corsair 520HX | 2 x Samsung SyncMaster T240 24" | Windows 7 Ultimate

  7. Funny S**t   -   #6
    100%'s Avatar ╚════╩═╬════╝
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
    MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

    Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

    A. I will be three months November 8th.

    Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

    A. Yes.

    Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

    Q. Are you married?
    A. No, I'm divorced.

    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

    A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

  8. Funny S**t   -   #7
    dwightfry's Avatar Poster
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Fargo, ND
    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    Q How long has he lived with you?

    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
    Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
    Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q: Did he kill you?
    A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
    From a defendant representing himself...
    Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
    Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
    Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
    Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
    Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
    Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
    Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
    Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
    Plaintiff: Dr. J.
    Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
    Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
    Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
    Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
    Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
    Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
    Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
    Judge: And why is that?
    Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
    Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
    Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
    Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court? Judge: Of course.
    Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
    Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
    Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
    Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

    I wonder how many of these are fake?
    Life should come with backround music
    -Dwight Fry-
    Coconut, the desert's onion
    -Dwight Fry-
    Why stand when you can lean, why lean when you can sit, why sit when you can lounge, why lounge when you can lie
    -Dwight Fry-

  9. Funny S**t   -   #8
    I laffed at like 1 or 2. the others were just humorous, but not enough to make me laff...

    --------------------------CHIDORI! (Lightning Edge)-----------------------

  10. Funny S**t   -   #9
    Autumn Fox's Avatar n00b
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    On the Throne of Hopeless
    Originally posted by dwightfry@3 March 2004 - 18:13
    Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
    Good one

  11. Funny S**t   -   #10
    Hehe, some of those are classic! Anyone have any more?

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