The Speeding Nuns
A police officer saw a car full of nuns going much too slow for the highway they were on. He pulled them over and went up to the driver. "Why are you going so slow?"
The nun that was driving then replied "That sign right there says 20."
The police officer looked at the sign. "That's the highway number that you are on."
"Oh, sorry officer."
The police officer looked in the back seat to see three nuns that looked like they were terrified. "What's wrong with them?" the officer asked. The nun that was driving looked back at them. "We just got off of highway 190."
James walked into the county bar. There he saw a man who looked exactly like a pirate from the movies. He had a wooden leg, a hook for his hand, and a patch over his eye. James walked up to him and asked him, "How did you lose your leg?"
The pirate looked up at him and replied, "When I was on a ship I fell off and a shark bit off my leg."
James was astonished. "What happened to your hand?"
The pirate started talking again. "I was serving in the war and I got my hand shot off. They had to amputate it and all they could find was a hook to put on."
James then looked at his eye. "Well, what happened to your eye?"
"Some birds were flying over head and one of them did some droppings right on my eye."
James was puzzled. "How did some bird droppings make you lose your eye?"
The pirate grinned. "Well, that was the first day that I had my hook."
Peter sat in an auditorium taking a test for college. He needed to pass this to get his college scholarship. He took his time finishing the test while the other 400 kids rushed as quickly as they could. "Time's up, pencils down!" the professor yelled to everyone in the auditorium.
Everyone groaned, walked up to his desk and placed down their test. Peter sat in his seat and finished his test. He walked up to the professor's desk. "Sorry I took a little extra time on my test."
The professor looked up at him. "Well that's too bad because you didn't stop when I told you to. You just failed this test."
Peter got angry. He looked the professor in the eye and asked a simple question. "Do you know who I am?"
"No," he responded honestly.
"Good," Peter said. He took the stack of tests on the desk and threw them up in the air with his test and ran out.
The Hare Dryer
Jimmy ran into his house in a panic. "Mom, Rover killed Buttercup and dragged him through the mud!"
Jimmy's mom got upset. "I told you not to let your dog pester the neighbor's rabbit," she said as she looked at the dead rabbit in Rover's mouth. "How are we going to explain what happened to the Johnson's?" she said in panic.
"Relax," Jimmy's dad said as he entered the room. "The Johnson's are gone for the day, I've got an idea."
He took the rabbit over to the bathroom. He took a sponge and shampoo and started washing all the dirt off of the rabbit. After he finished he took a hair dryer and dried it off. He walked with Jimmy over to their neighbor's yard. He opened the cage and placed the rabbit inside. "There he looks nice and clean. It will look like Buttercup died a nice peaceful death. They'll never suspect that Rover chewed him up."
The next day Jimmy's dad woke up after hearing a scream from the neighbor's house. He walked out to the fence and leaned over. "Is there something wrong Mrs. Johnson?"
"My rabbit!" was all she said.
"Well, animals die you know. That's just a fact of life."
Mrs. Johnson shook her head. "You don't understand. He was already dead and we buried him!"
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.
"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly, and said, "Meow".
The Pillsbury Dough Boy's Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife, they have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 2:25 for 20 minutes.
It was the finals of "Sale of the century" a popular TV quiz show. There were three contestants.
All was tied and with question left to win the big prize. The host asked each contestant the same question "Complete this phrase and spell the last word!"
"Old MacDonald had a......?"
The first contestant replied "ESTATE" and spelled E . S . T . A . T . E ......Buzzzzzz and he missed out.
Wow, the second contestant thought he had it in the bag, he answered "Old McDonald had a RANCH" and spelled out R . A . N . C . H .......Buzzzzzz and he was eliminated.
Now the thrid contestant was jumping with joy. What an easy question to answer. He quickly yelled "I know the answer! It's FARM.......E . I . E . I . O
The Confused Atom
Two atoms are sitting in a bar.
atom 1(in a whisper): "I think I've lost an electron"
atom 2: "Are you sure"
atom 1: "I'm positive"
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.
"How bad is it?" the doctor asks. "I have no idea", says the husband. "Well, please test her. Say something 20 feet away, and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing until she does. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.
From 10 feet, same thing.
From 5 feet, same thing.
Finally he's standing right behind her.
"What's for dinner?" She turns around, looks at him and says "For the fourth time, beef stew!"
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
A doctor with a mean sense of humor goes to meet her new patient in the exam room. First thing she says: "Well, Mr. Smith, as we discussed, you will experience some short-term memory loss."
The Flying Man
Two men were sitting at a bar, talking. They were both quite drunk, and one of them says to the other, "I bet you I can jump out of that window, go into the eigth floor and come back up here without being harmed."
"Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you try it?" the other man replies.
"Okay, I will."
Sure enough, he jumps out the window, and five minutes later he walks into the bar. "How did you do that?" the man asks, puzzled.
The man who jumped out the window replied, "Well, why don't you try it yourself?"
So the man gets up from his seat, walks over to the window, and jumps out. He falls to the eigth floor...seventh...sixth...fifth...fourth...third...second...first...and SPLAT! The bartender says to the first man to jump out the window, "Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
A Panda walks into a restaurant. The waiter takes the Panda's order.
When the order is ready, the waiter takes it to the Panda. The Panda eats the meal, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and runs out of the restaurant.
The owner of the restaurant goes running after the Panda. When the restaurant owner finally catches up to the Panda, he asks, "Why did you shoot the waiter?"
The Panda tells the owner to look up 'Panda' in the dictionary.
The owner goes back to the restaurant and looks up 'Panda' in the dictionary. Under 'Panda' it says: Eats shoots and leaves.
Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book."