Stupid Story's

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Daniel Lima filed a lawsuit in New Britain, Conn., in May against the Minnichaug Golf Course for at least $15,000 in damages after being hit in the nose by an errant shot. The errant shot was by Lima, himself, as his fairway drive hit a yardage marker, bounced back, and hit him in the face.





Driving School Exam Answers

The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color?

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Drive like minamoto.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

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The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."

"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

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These are real laws still on the books from different areas of the United States of America. (please note that no attempt has been made to verify these)
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. <SARASOTA> It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

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Classic Lawyer Jokes
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

What&#39;s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline&#33;

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start&#33;

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What&#39;s the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Why won&#39;t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.


How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that&#39;s a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What&#39;s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside&#33;

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.

What&#39;s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One&#39;s a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other&#39;s just a fish.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren&#39;t met.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.

What&#39;s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What&#39;s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It&#39;s called, Sosumi.

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn&#39;t find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

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The Goodtimes Email Virus
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator&#39;s coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD&#39;s you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there&#39;s company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can&#39;t find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss&#39;s voice mail in your voice&#33; It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist.

It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If anyone else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn hating them into a religion. I will do things to them that would make a horsehead in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.

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So you think someone you know is computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn&#39;t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn&#39;t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought
you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and
an invalid". The tech explained that the computer&#39;s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn&#39;t be taken personally.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn&#39;t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

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Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn&#39;t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren&#39;t you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I&#39;m angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Here are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process:

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I&#39;d travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I&#39;m going to throw-up.

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Classified Ads
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you&#39;ll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey &#036;2.35; Chicken or Beef &#036;2.25; Children &#036;2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mr. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for &#036;1.00.

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Getting Out
Alabama
A Man decided to rob a K-Mart by cutting a hole in the roof a lowering him self down with a rope. Once inside he pulled down the rope and helped himself to every thing he wanted. When he had what he wanted he decided it was time to leave but realized that he couldn&#39;t get back out. He went and got a latter from the home and garden center but it was a little short but he climbed up any way the latter sliped and he fell and broke his leg and had to lay there till the store opened. After he got out of the hospital he was sent to jail.

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Wait Your Turn&#33;
Westerly, RI
One night 10 teens decided that it would be a good idea to sit on the back of a post office and smoke a bowl of marijuanna. While one of the teens were taking a hit on the bowl a person walked behind her and tried to take the bowl away. "Wait your turn" she yelled."I don&#39;t think i have to" the officer replied. All ten teens were arrested with possion of marijuanna on federal property,and tresspassing on federal property.





Cut Wrong
South Carolina
An angry man walked into his local police station and threw a bag of cocaine on the counter. He told the desk sergeant that it was a substandard cut and demanded that dealer he bought it form be arrested.





You Mean You Had To Lift The Hood?
San Antonio, Texas
Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic found eighteen packages of marijuana packed in the engine compartment of the car. The woman, who had taken her car in for an oil change said that she did not realize he would have to lift the hood to get the job done









No Warrant
Pontiac, Michigan
Charged with drug-possession, Christopher Johns claimed that he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer did not need a warrant because a bulge in Johns&#39;s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day. When he handed the judge the jacket, a bag of cocaine fell out. The judge required a five minute recess so that he could gain his composure.