I'm British and proud of it and there's been a long running dislike between us and the French. This is something that's in our genes, something that's been upheld for centuries. The two-finger salute originated from British archers gesturing to the French that they still had the fingers needed to draw their bows, as any captured British archers had their fingers cut off by the French. Basically they don't like us and we don't like them. Any Brits that have ever been on holiday to France will have at least a tail or two about their general bad attitude to us. Stick a GB sign on the back of your car and drive through France and see how far you can get without been stopped. I made the mistake the one year of going to Bordeaux and driving there, I was only stopped 11 times there and back.
I'll probably get flamed for this, but here's some jokes about the French.
* The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.
* Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jaques Chirac's ass? Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavours!!
* What do you call a french man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!
* The French tricolour flag needs abolishing in favour of new flag: a white cross emblazoned on a white background
* Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on.
* Why don't the French really want the US to attack Iraq? They don't want their record for surrender broken.
* Whats the difference between the French and a book. A book has a spine.
* Why do french people always wear yellow? To match the colour of their blood!
* During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for nterrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why do you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said,"That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."
* Why do the French never perform “the wave” at a soccer game? Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
* "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller
* Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."
* The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?. I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
* What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A salesman.
* Why shouldn't we expect the French to help us liberate Iraq, well they didn't help us liberate France!
* What's the shortest book ever written? French War Heroes.
* What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training? How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
* What is the most useful thing in the French Army? A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
* Why does Nike like the French Army? Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
* Why do the French Smell? So blind people can hate them too!
* How did the French react to German reunification? They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
* A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once.
* President Bush and the french ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The french ambassador, although, did not understand. It seems there is no word for"bath" in french.
* Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama? So the French can show them how to surrender.
* What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead french man In the middle of the road? There's skid marks In front of the skunk.
* Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
* Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Great I want you to fill it with water."
* There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
* Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? So the Germans could march in the shade.
OK that's the lot, flame away.