The Release Today of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the US Market:
Utah Barbie: She's 29 and she's already had six kids. She has
never worked a day in her life and really doesn't think she should have
to. She comes with a brand new home on an acre and a half of land in the
Utah Foothills. Her Barbie Dream Home comes with furniture for all
ten bedrooms, two mini vans, two horses and a trampoline. She also
comes with a jar of expensive stretch mark cream and a consent form to
have her tubes tied after the birth of child number thirteen. Bonus - this
Barbie comes with a one-year membership to Costco which is where she has
to shop to feed her brood. Never-at-home Ken is a Mormon Bishop and a
high school administrator.
California Barbie: This Barbie is usually found shopping in her
Lululemon yoga outfit with her snowboarding, shaggy-haired boyfriend
Ken. On weekends, you can find this Barbie babe at the Porcupine Grill
with a swarm of Barbie friends and a grande, double shot, skinny,
sugar-free vanilla latte. You can purchase this Barbie's poorboy cap and
torn Levi's for her laid-back days.
Colorado Barbie: This 'Princess Barbie' is only sold at The GateWay.
She comes with assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and
a two million dollar house. Options include tummy tuck, face lift, Spa
certificates, and a workaholic, cheating Dr. Ken.
New York Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm
handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a slammed Chevrolet with oversized wheels
and tinted windows. Methadone Clinic Ken included. Also available with
Texas Barbie: This model wears Wrangler jeans two sizes too small and a
NASCAR shirt. Accessories include a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank,
Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's a$$ when
she's drunk. A pickup is available with Country "Don't mess with Texas" bumper stickers.
HollyWood Barbie: This model Barbie comes with a Mini Cooper
and a $200,000 bachelorette pad. She likes to lunch on a salad at
Gastronomy restaurants most days and carries her Chihuahua, named
Pookie, in her handbag. This Barbie takes Pookie to her job downtown as
an analyst. Also available: numerous Platinum credit cards and
Arkansas Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has not learned
that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless without breaking a
heel and falling while you chase your mullet-wearing boyfriend. Her
ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, with assorted g-strings
that stick out the back, and a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her
long, layered hair is bleached and BIG. Accessories include: a 1996
Camaro Z-28 and a CD-player equipped with vintage Ozzi.
Chicago Barbie: This Barbie has recently been divorced. She
comes with Ken's car, Ken's house and Ken's cabin.
Nevada Barbie: This Barbie is a bitter broad. She's in her late 30's
but a lifetime of beer and cigarettes have left her looking ten years
older. She's recently lost her gig at the Golden Fleece. It's pretty bad
when the worst strip joint in Nevada tells you 'sorry honey, you just sag
too much now.' This Barbie comes with a 1988 Ford Taurus with broken air
conditioning. She also comes with thirty-five assorted wigs in all
styles and colors. She hopes to land a position dealing Blackjack at
whatever casino passes for the Las Vegas this week. Additional
accessories include a variety of costumes and rhinestone jewelry. This
Barbie may also open Reno's first pole-dancing class to teach
desperate women how to strip for their man. Bonus - Truckstop layover
Ken is included.
Oklahoma Barbie: The Okie Barbie lives in a red brick tract home built in
the 1940's for a Okie worker. She inherited it from her
grandmother. The house is falling to pieces around her ears. This Barbie
comes with Handyman Ken and his 1977 camper converted into a work truck.
Accessories include all Ken's tools, even a mini arc welding set and
tiny little pipes to reconstruct Barbie's kitchen and bathroom. You can
select from a Ken with or without 'plumber's crack.' Special feature,
Okie Barbie also speaks Spanish and has a lifetime pit pass to the Raceway and a collection of Elvis mementos purchased from
Florida Barbie: The Plam Beach Barbie is our oldest Florida Barbie. But
don't let her fool you! Granny's still got a lot of gas left in her
tank. Gramps is dead and Granny has sold the house and most of her stuff
and has bought a condo in Plam Beach. Now Granny's days are filled with
brunches with the girls in the morning, then a nap, and then late
afternoon tee-times. Oldster Barbie loves golf and her accessories
include a golf cart and a set of pro-quality clubs. Palm Beach Barbie
only goes back up to Iowa to see her children and grandchildren at
Christmas and Mother's Day. The rest of the time Granny is a real
swinger. Florida Barbie comes with smarmy Condo Association President
Ken, and Pool Boy Ken as well. Also included is a hand embroidered throw
pillow with the quote 'What Happens in Plam Beach Stays in Plam Beach.'