I have a farting problem: I fart all the time. I produce enough gas to power a Toyota Prius or is it a Honda? I never remember, I'm too busy farting. I produce SBD's (Silent But Deadly) and El Blasto's and teensy weensy lady-farts and Smellitos Grandes, too. They vary depending on my diet.
Now I'm a speaker at a number of Baptist Prayer Breakfasts in the the Southeast. All over the Carolinas and Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee and Mississippi, too. Even Kentucky and Southern Ohio. And, I have to sit there, on the dais, or at one of those dreadful round tables with hundreds of little old folks in their best clothes carefully picking through the really rotten food that one of their own members prepared and listen to the convocation, the invocation, the sermonette and then, finally, they introduce me. During all that time I am desperately holding in a really big string of farts.
I've been experimenting with letting them go, very very slowly, dribbling them out as best I can. But sometimes the folding chair has vinyl seatcovers and the fart builds up between the buttocks and lets loose with a loooooong sloooooooph sound usually followed by a nose-rotting smell.
What can I do? Any suggestions?