a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.
"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"

"Naturally, a hobby I got, I'm a bee keeper."

"Well, you must live in the country then."

"Nope, right here in the city... in Brooklyn."

"Really? You must have a large house then."

"Nope, apartment."

"Geez, where do you keep'm?"

"A shoe box in my closet."

"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"

"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"

"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"

"So f**k'em. I hate bees."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[baccyman]

A man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"

Bartender says, "Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir'!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone.
"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" the voice commanded.

"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep, sir."

"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No, sir."

"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"

"Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No, I do not!"

"That's good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

[baccyman]

Two rednecks were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.

The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

"I told you not to peek," whined the groom

[baccyman]

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[baccyman]

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
She looked him over, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist.

"Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No sh*t?!"

[baccyman]

A Florida court ruled that exotic dancers must cover one-third of their buttocks.
Now, if only they could pass the same law for the plumbers, we'd be in neat shape.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The highly religious, virgin bridegroom entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.
"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EPT (early pregnancy test) -
Blue means not pregnant.

Pink means pregnant.

Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

[baccyman]

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

The first asked "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into the employment office in Los Angeles, there aren't many jobs so it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.
"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 a day guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."

"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. "You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathing suits, and before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job."

The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Fresno."

"Fresno? What do I wanna go to Fresno for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"

[baccyman]

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a limo driver taking a beautiful dark haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "I don't have time to wait for road service. Could you change it yourself?"

The driver said, "Sure."

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you need a screwdriver?"

He said "Sure, honey! But, first I have to change this tire."

[baccyman]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the Great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this times with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time. I said, "BRING POSSE!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[baccyman]

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt".
Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.

The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.

He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".

She then tells the man she wants 'Beautiful butt tattooed', on her ass.

The man tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt.

She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs.

He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE F#CK IS BOB?"!