a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"
"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.

"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.

"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."

"Oh, really?"

"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my behine."



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Jim and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Jim her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Jim and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.

Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Jim my best southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Gee whiz, girl, arch your back! Poor Jim's balls are on the cold floor."

[baccyman]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.


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As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."



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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[cpt_azad]

lmao

[scribblec]

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[baccyman]

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Devine Brown lately, sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill replies with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?"

So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, "God... now I know why you chose the name Devine."

To which she replies, "Thank you Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name Microsoft!"



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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."



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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

[cpt_azad]

"Thank you Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name Microsoft!"

hahahaa

[cpt_azad]

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

funniest one i've heard this month lmfao

[baccyman]

So my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.
I said, "I’m over here, Dad..."



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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"



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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping!"

[cpt_azad]

So my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.
I said, "I’m over here, Dad..."

lol

[baccyman]

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete Medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. The doctor asked, Where?

Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?



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Her precocious six-year old daughter came tugging at the mother's skirt, asking, "Mommy, can I have a baby?"
"Of course not, dear," the mother replied, without missing a stroke of her ironing.

"Are you sure?" the little girl persisted.

"Certainly," said the mother.

As she ran to rejoin her playmates in the yard, the child called out, "OK, fellas, same game!"



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Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.
She said to her mother, "I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."

Her mother shrugged and said, "Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right. Just look how much he loves his mother."