a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and
pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw
a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was
a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said,
"I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to
determine if you are under the influence of
alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back
to the police car. After a couple of minutes,
he returned to her car and said, "It looks like
you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

[cpt_azad]

lol

[baccyman]

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:
Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"



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An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table,when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

[cpt_azad]

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

lmfao

[baccyman]

Dear Abby,
"I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I think she's the one for me. There's just one problem - I can't remember from our first date if she told me she had T.B. or V.D. What should I do?" Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,
"If she coughs, f**k her."



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A lady goes into a store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

Her money was refunded..



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A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

[baccyman]

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.” Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs. “I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.” “But I need a good lover too,” she replies. “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[baccyman]

Why are women always upset with Men?
Men are one of the few things that can gain 8 inches in 5 minutes and lose it all 3 minutes later.



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I was at a party this weekend and a jokester, stifling a laugh said, "Listen to this: One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..."
At this, my Jewish friend, Al Cohen said, "Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Always two Jews! Why do they have to be Jewish? Can’t you tell the joke with other nationalities involved? Why don’t you make them Chinese for a change?"

The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Here’s the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang’s nephew..."



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When I introduced my friend Wes to the proprietor of my favorite Chinese restaurant, the owner greeted him enthusiastically, saying, "Welcome, West."
Wes shook his hand and smiled despite the mispronounced name.

All through the meal, the proprietor checked to make sure "West" was pleased. Finally, Wes corrected him, "It's Wes, not West."

"West, not West?" asked the confused man.

Wes smiled patiently and nodded. "Yes," he said, "Wes, no 't'."

"Ah," said the proprietor and walked away with our teapot.

[cpt_azad]

The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Here’s the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang’s nephew..."

lol

[cpt_azad]

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.” Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs. “I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.” “But I need a good lover too,” she replies. “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

lmfao

[baccyman]

There were 2 Irishmen walking along looking for jobs, when they came across a sign saying:
TREE FELLERS WANTED.

"Ohhh, to be sure, to be sure!" said one, "what a shame there’s only the two of us!"



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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"



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Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."

"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."