a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

Sign on condom machine in Men's Room:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."



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Q. What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A. A trip without the kids

[hungrylilboy]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3
women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
LITTLE TONY ON MATHS

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?"asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'," replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?' "

"What's the f****** difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Masturbate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,

"Miss Jones, I need to take a p!ss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please
use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the! Word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f****** beautiful!'"

[baccyman]

some good jokes there

[baccyman]

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."



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There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."



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Government Verbosity:
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

The Lord's prayer: 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words

[baccyman]

A young Catholic priest was assigned to an inner city parish. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his new and foreign surroundings, with particular difficulty in the area of confession.
One day, after several hours in the confessional he pulled one of the nuns aside and asked her about a word that repeatedly came up.

The priest asked, "Sister Margaret, what's a blow-job?"

And the nun replied, "A hundred bucks."



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While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines 'spaceship' as an 'imaginary aircraft'."



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A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...
The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."

The man replied by saying I don't think so. I can get any lady that I want.

The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn't get the woman to even talk to him.

The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.

The bartender accepted.

The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"

The man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."

[baccyman]

A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."



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A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.

Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin." This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

"Cancer", said Jim.

"...Sagittarius," replied Paddy.

[baccyman]

Lewis walked into my office carrying a strange looking bottle.
"What’s that?" I asked.

"It’s a bizarre product we found."

"What does it do?"

"It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women," he said examining the bottle. "When applied to the...er...umm... clitoris a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she’s never dreamed of."

"Gimme that stuff!" I said grabbing it out of his hand.

I looked at the directions for use. It said:

Apply liberally with tongue.



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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

[baccyman]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY?"...

"She acts like she is asleep every time."

[baccyman]

Good advice!!!!
Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks"

14. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.



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Revenge Of The Blondes!
The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes!

* * *

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?

A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

* * *

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?

No one else wants it.

* * *

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?

So brunettes can remember them.

* * *

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?

Invisible.

* * *

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?

"Has the blonde left yet?"

* * *

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?

The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

* * *

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?

When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

* * *

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?

The invitation

* * *

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?

A hostage

* * *

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?

Fisher-Price

* * *

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?

It matches their mustache

[baccyman]

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"

The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."

The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to f**k 'em!"



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The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."



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Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."