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Thread: A letter to a bank...

  1. #1
    Skiz's Avatar (_8(I)
    Join Date
    May 2003
    This was sent to me in an email. Since it shares my hatred with banks, I thought it was worth sharing.


    Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
    caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
    attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
    which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
    which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
    bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits ! but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
    presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

    1. To make an appointment to see me.
    2. To query a missing payment.
    3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
    8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
    9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

    Your Humble Client

    (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman.)

    The FST group

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  3. Lounge   -   #2
    TheDave's Avatar n00b
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    yorkshire, england

    i need sleep
    Last edited by TheDave; 01-08-2005 at 09:38 AM.

  4. Lounge   -   #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Quote Originally Posted by TheDave

    i need sleep

  5. Lounge   -   #4
    DanB's Avatar Smoke weed everyday
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    London, so fuck y'all

    (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman.)

    although I don't believe that bit
    Last edited by DanB; 01-08-2005 at 02:49 PM.

  6. Lounge   -   #5
    Rat Faced's Avatar Broken
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    The Abbey National charged me when i changed my House Insurance.

    I therefore wrote a nice letter stating the advice of the Consumer Council which points out that your as entitled to charge the Bank as they are to chanrge you..

    I told them that unless the charges were removed, i'd start acknowledging my statements, and that I would charge 10 per letter sent to them, including any letters of complaint regarding "Charges".... they removed the charges immediatly.

    I can only assume that the advice was valid, although i've never tried to charge them anything to check.

    An It Harm None, Do What You Will


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