"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should
be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased